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Friday, October 8, 2010

Looka Me - Ima Astectic

I am entertaining some interesting thoughts about 'letting go'.

In my 12 step program, we tell people they need to let go of old ideas, or of expectations or of demands for life to be a certain way or they will not be happy, not forgive, not do whatever. We point out to people that this is a form of emotional tantrum throwing, that they are taking the world hostage and demanding that it change or else - the problem is, the 'or else' is usually the person's own peace of mind or happiness.

We also have an old saying: "holding a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die".

All in all, the gist of this mind set is that it is stupid to hold onto a dream that is obviously slipping away, that it is wrong to base your potential happiness on the behavior of someone else and it is stupid to be the only person in an argument.

I get all this - I really, really get all this and I believe it.

Here is the tough part: how does one handle the heartbreak of watching the one tiny little dream you had for a lasting relationship with someone, someone you have loved and nurtured for 21 years, go down the drain...fade away...virtually end.

Well, I will tell you...you handle it by asking yourself if your attachment to this person is more important than your love for God.

In other words, you approach it with a Catholic Theological mindset that says, "This person is someone you love, but he/she is a creature and not nearly as important as loving the Creator...and never so important that you are willing to give up Heaven for them".

You tell yourself that every day and then you just back slowly away. You cry yourself to sleep. You bite your tongue when you see them getting mixed up with a crazy person and you just say, "Into Your hands, Lord, I commend his life".

And you get on down the road.

This has been the theme of the past few weeks. It hurts, of course, because I would like to think I am important enough to someone to have my opinion of who they are choosing to matter and maybe I am, who knows? What I do know is they were not honest enough to tell me themselves, they let me know electronically and now I am not being spoken to or contacted at all...while the weasly icky people ARE being embraced and that...well, that just hurts my itty bitty feelings.

I can make fun of myself with this because some of the hurt has gone away. I am actually looking forward to my future again - maybe getting out of the God forsaken place I now live and getting back to civilization - where people can discuss issues without calling each other fathead or little bitch or other lovely names.

I am not sure where this utopia is - but I KNOW it is not in Modesto.

Pray for me...I really am feeling myself letting go of the need for pats on the back and attention from creatures. I don't mean I don't love them...I just am starting to hurt less because they don't seem to really love me.

In other words, I am putting it into perspective...and that is a wonderful thing, when that perspective is shaped by God Himself.

Remember, O Blessed Virgin Mary, that never was it known........

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