Another First Week of August in the Books

 The first week of August has been a time of reflection for me since 1987.  August 7th, my husband drowned.  I pulled his body from the bottom of the swimming pool where I found him.  Later, at the hospital, I lost the child we had been expecting.  It was not a blob of tissue.  It looked like a little person and I looked at it on the floor of the hospital bathroom and my world shut down.  Hard.  My response to the tragedy of losing them both was hardly graceful and not in the least bit dignified. 

Thirty-eight years later and the life I am living IS full of grace and dignity - with the occasional heavy setback.  I walk with a different idea, different purpose and with the sorrow of that day kind of tucked somewhere in my heart to be used now for those who suffer much worse losses than me.  I lost my child before it had taken a breath outside my body.  I lost my husband who turned out to be the only man who ever loved me enough to want to marry me.  I had a successful marriage and my child is in heaven.  I hope my husband is too. My job, now, is to get there myself so I can (hopefully) worship with him in unity.

Today I get to live and be happy.  I CHOOSE to live and be happy.  I have a way of life that is second to none.  

This does not mean that missing or wondering about what my life could have looked like doesn't cross my mind.  Would my child have brought joy or sadness to the world? Would my husband and I have lived sober, happy lives as good parents and faithful spouses?  

Thinking about the 'might have beens' is just a part of the human experience.  It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong or need more therapy.  I may need more therapy but I am pretty sure that is because some of the older members of my Scottie Club drive me nuts.  No, all it means is I have been given a great gift by my Creator - the Gift of Remembrance.  I am not going to denigrate it by wallowing.  Neither am I going to ignore it because some people believe I should be 'over it' by now.

Oh and if anyone is wondering why I never remarried?

Simple....

Keanu Reeves never met me.

Now, if he would just come to his senses........

Today's Gospel - The Answer to Suffering

 Oh how easy it is to forget what one can do with suffering!  

Today I read a reminder of how protecting myself - the body - leaves me stunted in my ability to live.  The reminder was timely because I have been trying so hard to stay safe, believing that being safe is a right I have rather than a state of being that comes and goes.

I do not have a right to safety; rather, what I have is an opportunity every day to live united with my God.  My God understands what life hands me because He experienced it as a human - being tired, angry, lonely and hungry.  Ultimately, He suffered the greatest evil ever committed on the planet He created, that of His own murder at the Hands of His own creatures.

So I have to remember that God knows.  God knows that when another one of His creatures attacks it is going to sting, it is going to shake my feeling of safety and belonging.  If I can remember that HE knows then when it happens I can react better.  Once again, I can be a better Leslie.

That is always the goal, right?  I want to be better.  I really do want to grow.  I want to be what I want to see - a woman of grace and dignity.

Lord, help me accept Your Grace so that I may live outwardly rather than hunched over defending myself. Help me trust You.

Lord, I believe.

Help my unbelief.

I am a Better Woman Today

 The past weeks have been up and down, crazy busy and full of both laughter and tears. I believe I just described life in general.  I have been living life and enjoying life and wanting the most out of life and grabbing what I can from, well, LIFE.

Nothing would be any good, however, if I did not learn something.  Every day I get a chance to observe, listen and then make a decision as to what remains in my life and what gets removed.  

As I approach my 70th birthday, I am reminded that milestones like this one matter.  If I am the same person I was at 65 then I have wasted five years I will never get back.  I am happy to report that I am not the same woman I was five years ago.  I am a better woman today.

There are people who would disagree with that statement.  The ones who would disagree are people I have only the base line of respect for - I acknowledge their humanity and their inherent dignity as creatures of The Creator but I do not want them in my house, around my Scottish Terriers or near my car at night.  They are untrustworthy, dishonorable humans.  I wish them well and hold them in prayer.

I am a better woman today.  I learned something this past ten days about someone and now I will approach my relationship with them in a different manner.  Do they get a second chance?  Oh hell no...I am a better woman, not a stupid one, and they demonstrated their inner character.  I take note, I smile, I love them and now? I guard my heart.  They cannot be trusted with information.

I am a better woman today.  I have watched people the past five years demonstrate their eagerness to shoot for the moon.  They work so hard, never let their children down, are intelligent in their analysis of what goes on in the world. Those people are now in my wheelhouse of friends. That's what I want around me. 

I am a better woman today. My relationship with God and His Church is solid and not dictated by who is Pope or president of my country.  When I pray, I feel His Presence. When I worship it is not about me, it is about Him. When I get scared or anxious, He comforts me. I finally understand St Therese of Lisieux writing about crawling into the lap of her Heavenly Father and what that means.  

Being the Last One Standing has helped.  While I am so grateful for the extended family I have, knowing that the three that were the ones who shaped me have gone on ahead changes a person. I am changed.  I am not the same.

 I am a better woman today.

Happy Mother's Day!

 Happy Mother's Day and yes, even after five years I still miss my Mom.

She would have just loved what I am doing right now with these puppies.  She would have LOVED Nicole and Adrian and Joanne would have a new Mom. 

I have deep sympathy for those men and women who did not have good mothers.  I have met so many of them!  The majority were damaged by alcohol and drugs and all the ugliness that goes with it. However, a few I have met really had mothers who were mentally ill but undiagnosed.  They truly suffered as children. To meet them today and see how they live lives of quiet dignity it a testament to the Human Spirit.

It is also difficult to be my age and no one's mother.  Oh, listen - I am profoundly grateful for my role as a spiritual mother and I do not dismiss the impact I have had on people.  Still, there is always that tiny little ache in the depth of my heart.  It is my cross and I get to carry it.  

Mother's Day is a secular holiday but I do think it is a good thing to stop, ponder and give thanks to the women who raised us.  And, if we were not blessed with good women who raised us it is important to think of some woman in our lives who has given us the love and acceptance every human needs.

Happy Mother's Day.  

Habemus Papam!

 On May 8th, 2025 the Holy Spirit directed the College of Cardinals to elect our new Holy Father.  Cardinal Robert Prevost, born in Chicago in September of 1955, is now Pope Leo the 14th. Our first American Pope.

I had prayed for a new Leo the 13th.   I had prayed for that because I believe our current world needs just that kind of Pope.  We need someone strong in doctrine but looking to clean house and reform those areas of the Catholic Church that need to be reformed.  

The MAGA Catholics will be disappointed.  The Far Left Catholics will be disappointed.  The Catholics like me, who have been vilified and made to feel unwanted because we love both the Tradition of our Faith and see the need for better catechesis, better outreach and a Church that stands strong in the face of the ugly world in which we live are happy.  I have had three people this week reach out to me about returning to Mass.  I have been able to say, "You are one Confession away from receiving Our Lord in the Eucharist.  Welcome home".

I know little about our new Pope, other than he is of the Augustinian Order.  They are a bit younger than the Dominicans but grounded in Truth.  

Pope Leo the 13th gave us the Saint Michael's Prayer.  I would suggest we all pray it again, after each Mass we attend, as he asked us to do as a way to honor him and to bolster our Church.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, o Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the Power of God, cast into hell satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the earth seeking the ruin of souls.  Amen.