I am getting used to saying good-bye

 I remember my mother telling me that she was saying good-bye to more people than she was welcoming into her life.  It made me sad for her, but I now understand what she meant.  It is one of the cycles of life.  As we age, we say good-bye to those we grew old with (or they say good-bye to us).  We bury our parents, siblings, dear friends saying the same thing over and over again but we do it. It is the rhythm of life.

I buried both my parents and my brother and am now waiting to hear whether or not a dear, dear friend I have known since I was 18 years old has entered into her Eternal Life.  She is prepared.  I know because we have had some major talks the past couple of years, late at night when the world is quiet and there is nothing to do but be gut-level honest.  

She has been defeated by the disease I battle every day.  I am successful today because I do what has been taught to me by others who have walked this same path.  She could never do it.  It was not possible for her.  I don't know why.  She knew she had it, knew it could be battled...she just could not stomach the cure.  

Life without alcohol was too ugly for her, too full of anger and resentment towards people who had let her down and been less than perfect.  She could forgive them but could never forget that her dreams had been shattered and she had been forced to live life on Life's Terms and not her own.

Perhaps it is better that none of my dreams have really, ever come true.  I mean, sure I had a successful marriage to a man I loved but in the eyes of the world I am just a loser who lives alone in a house she has to rent, taking care of other people's money and going to Mass every Sunday all alone.  In my eyes I have a life that is second to none, but she could not see that same thing for her.  She had children and grandchildren, a loyal husband,  but it wasn't enough because it wasn't big enough.  

Because so few of my dreams came true ( I do, after all, have two china cabinets), I am pretty darn content with this little life I have.  I am not getting everything I want but I have more than I need.

I love you, Kelly.  

Boy Is It Good to be HOME!

 Monday night I got home from the hospital after being there since Tuesday the 5th of March.  The pneumonia I have been battling since January had gotten so bad that I now had to be slammed dunked into a bed and hooked up to an IV and otherwise poked and prodded until I could get well enough to come home.  

My body had not been satisfied with having one bacterial infection; without my permission it had grown ANOTHER one.  As a result, my iron levels had hit the skids and I was faced with having to get that fixed or get a blood transfusion.  

In other words, I had a fun week.

The hospital chaplain was a lovely man but I think he was a little sad that I thanked him for praying with me but I need a priest.  A CATHOLIC priest.  It is okay if the man was Byzantine instead of Latin or even Greek Orthodox (though they don't like us Catholics much).  I needed a man of God that practices a Sacramental Liturgical Life, along with all the other prayers from my Protestant, Buddhist, Muslim, Evangelical, Druid or otherwise connected-to-God-types.  I only reject offers to send me 'good ju ju' because I never know what that means or whether or not I need a Tupperware container for whatever it is they are sending me.  I would rather have cookies.

Father Eddie came that night.  I was given the Anointing of the Sick.  He heard my confession and I received Our Lord in the Eucharist.  My healing began right then.

It has been a tough week.  I have had to defend my lifestyle to Case Managers and Doctors and Nurses.  The medical care I received was excellent and I am so grateful.  I am very aware that I could be a 68 woman living in a makeshift tent down by the Stanislaus River dying of bacterial pneumonia.  The fact that I have medical insurance is a result of me sacrificing a lot - I did not buy some stuff so I could have other stuff - and I am grateful to the financially sound Italian Mother that raised me.  

However, the staff - especially the Case Managers (there were three) - did NOT like that I live alone, in the company of two Scottish Terriers.  I was threatened three times with being sent to a nursing home because I do not live with anyone.  The fourth time it was brought up, I told the woman that she needed to cross that option off her list.  It is not going to happen.  I will NOT go to a nursing home.  I kept my voice low but firm.  I did not cry even though I wanted to do so.  I did not tell her to go jump in the lake because I did not want to have to go to Confession again.  

I have a village.  It is not a village that is conventional by any means.  It is made up of ex-criminals, wackos, professionals who are well educated and people who can barely read or write.  It is a group that might be covered in tattoos AND wear business suits every single day to their high powered jobs.  It is people who had to get felonies cleared from their records so they can go to Canada to visit a relative or get an entry-level job.  It is people who never miss Sunday Mass and others who would no sooner put a foot inside a church of any kind than shoot themselves in the hand.  

My village shows up.  My dogs are walked, my fridge is full, I am driven to appointments, my calls are taken in the middle of the night, and my house and laundry is done.

Some of these villagers I share blood with, others I do not.  However, we all have the same DNA - which means we are family.  The DNA won't show up on an Ancestry.com site.  It comes out in our actions, our words and how we view our duty to each other.

I live alone with two Scottish Terriers.  I am better off here than anywhere else.  And while I am grateful for the medical care I received from the fine, FINE people at the hospital I am even more grateful for the love and care I have received from the village I live in.

My vow is simple:  when it is my turn to show up for one of the villagers in need, I will.  That's what we do.

Thank you, God, for my life today exactly as it is.....boy am I blessed.  AMEN!

Lessons in Humility Continue

 On March 1st, 2024 the family will gather to bury my brother's ashes next to our mother, Laura, and our uncle, Jerry.  When it is my turn I will join my brother in that same plot which is 'built for two'.  

The past weeks have been one lesson in humility after another.  Saying good-bye to John privately that day with our parish priest will stay with me forever.  I had promised him that would happen when he was home and I kept my promise.  My next promise is to make sure he is buried next to Mom.  

My days as someone's big sister are over.  Now I get to just be an aunt, a friend, a cousin...nothing else and nothing exciting and you know what?  That is just fine with me.

I've been dealing with health issues since January and now am being sent to a specialist - this darn pneumonia won't go away.  It's kept me mostly housebound with a few forays into the world.  I have seen every darn episode of BONES and LAW AND ORDER and I am sure ready to regain my health and go back into the world.

In other words, the word of the year for me (so far) is HUMILITY.  I am reminded regularly that all I am today is a result of the Grace of a loving God because of myself and by myself I don't seem to be able to do much.  I still have to get well.  I still get to miss my family.  I am truly dependent upon my wonderful friends.  Of myself...by myself....I get to watch still another episode of CRIMINAL MINDS.

I will say good-bye to my brother this Friday.  I will make sure I have walked as far as I can with him. I will go to the gathering and I will be fine....and then I will go home to rest.

Pneumonia!

 A week ago yesterday I had the 'medical emergency' the Advise Nurse Line always asks the caller about as you are routed for help (if you think you are having a psychiatric or medical emergency, please call...).  I called 911 and turned myself in to a wonderful group of professionals who diligently cared for me over the next 8 to 10 hours.  It was discovered that I have a 'large pneumonia on the left side through the lower lobe', which (apparently) is pretty darn serious.  I have been dealing with the discovery ever since and, once again, found myself learning huge spiritual lessons.

My late brother dealt with horrific pain the last month of his life.  I will never claim to feel what I do not feel because of witnessing his experience.  That being said, I have had three different body parts replaced AND one joint reconstructed and man, oh, man this pneumonia thing HURTS.  WHO KNEW?  I didn't!  I seriously didn't know pneumonia can hurt but I know better now.  I thought, for the previous week, I had been dealing with trapped gas.  In fact when I was in the ambulance, and the EMT gave me a shot of fentanyl, I told him that if it turned out that the pain I was feeling was trapped gas I was going to be horribly embarrassed.   

I learned two things - it wasn't (trapped gas) and fentanyl doesn't last long enough.

Here at home I have been at the mercy of my own fears.  Everyone knows the number one fear - I live alone.  What happens if I get sick again?  Who is going to help me?

Well let me tell you - I have never in my life been so loved and cared for as I have this past week.  Friends have stepped forward in incredibly practical ways.  Shopping, dog care, sitting in the house while I take a shower so I can be safe - they have been there every step of the way.  My mail has been picked up.  My dogs have been walked.  I have received daily check ins from relatives across the country.  Tomorrow my bestie best best is going to come help me do some light housekeeping and change the bedding to fresh sheets and pillowcases.  I have been loved and cared for and it has been amazing.  I am so very, very grateful.

I've been able to watch three Oscar Nominated films and give people my unsolicited opinion (Flower Moon - amazing. Oppenheimer - outstanding.  Barbie - pretentious hogwash.  BUT what do I know?) and I am on the hunt to find American Fiction since I am not yet well enough to leave the house and see it in the theatre.  My appetite is coming back even if my strength is still iffy.  I am getting better.  I won't be out dancing soon, but I am getting better.

The Spirituality of Illness is a real thing.  I have been frightened and lonely while I am sick.  I got mad at both my brother and my mother while I have struggled this week to breath and stand the pain.  I have told God exactly how I felt about the entire situation and He listened and comforted me and reminded me that I have tools today to use in order to weather the storm.  It is not enough to just say, "Offer it up!". One must know WHAT we are offering up.  And you cannot know the WHAT without prayer and contemplation.

The WHAT for me is always the fear of being alone, unwanted and unnecessary.  While that has lessened tremendously since making sure I daily recite the Litany of Humility it is still an ongoing character flaw that I must recognize and be willing to offer to Jesus as my Sacrifice of Self.  Perhaps it is rooted in childhood.  Perhaps it is simply my inability to grow the flip up.  No matter the cause, it is the flaw in my character that keeps me running to the Father for help, because I need it.  I need Him to fill that need.

I am blessed.  I am blessed beyond measure and I cannot thank the people who have helped me enough this past week.  May God keep me close, because that is where I want to be - close to Him and all His Kids.

No Longer a Big Sister - Now What?

 On December 26th, I was 68 years old.  That date should have been my baby brother's 62nd Birthday, and my 62nd year as a big sister.  However, he left this world and all its suffering behind on December 23rd.  On the 22nd I was present when he received the Apostolic Pardon and Blessing.  Just as I had held his hand and walked him home when we were kids at Christ the King School, I walked him as far as I could and kept him safe as long as I could.  I handed him over to God on the 22nd, and on the 23rd, he went home.

It is so very difficult not to make the past three years all about me.  It feels like I have lost so much - first with Mama and now with my brother but....I am not alone.....He is being mourned by a wife and children and grandchildren and a host of wonderful friends all over the state.  His extended family mourns him.  The extended family has been lovely to me and kind of watching out for me during this time.  I deeply appreciate it because my grief is just....weird. Complicated.  I am angry at him for all the time he wasted living a lifestyle that kept us from being as close as we could have been.  He scared me so much toward the end of his life but now that I understand the nature of the diseases he was battling - unknown, at the time, to him! - I can let a little of that fear and anger go...a bit at a time.  But the waves of regret hit me - if only...if only...if only....where did I go wrong? What were my mistakes?  What did I miss?  If only...If only....If only.

There was a great quote that showed up in my email inbox this morning from the late Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN.  It basically reminded me not to beat myself up for my feelings, for being human...and reminded me that Faith and Fear and Sadness can all coexist...because I am always striving to be better and to deny my feelings, to ignore my thoughts is lying.....Lying to God and to myself....and we don't want to be like Satan, the father of lies.

So I refuse to put these thoughts and fears and tears aside.  I am no longer someone's daughter or someone's big sister.  My parents are gone, my brother is gone.  I am left to try and carry on traditions that no one but me seems to even care about and so I find myself letting them slip away...slowly and slowly and slowly....no inside Christmas decorations this year except for the display of cards.  I did put out my Advent Wreath and prayed every day....I didn't give that up.

I'm sad and I am tired.  

I will survive this, of course, and I am going to be okay....

But I am sad and I am tired and that is not going to change anytime soon.

Please keep us in prayer.....