It is natural, I think, for people to revise history. In my family we have always tried to focus on the good memories of people rather than the bad stuff that has happened. There is nothing particularly wrong with that unless one has not taken the time to truly heal from the bad stuff.
I have always been open and honest about my own father. He was not a good one. I am also very grateful to those who have helped me on my personal journey - professionals in the therapy world, good spiritual directors, the group of people who help me stay sober - because today I can honestly focus on the good memories of my Dad. I can laugh at his neurotic weirdness, understand that he suffered from PTSD as a result of his horrible childhood and combat in WW2, and appreciate his good qualities. We shared a love of history, animals and dogs in particular. My Dad loved me as best he could and I pray for his soul every day.
I try to be open and honest about my brother. He tried so hard to overcome the abuse inflicted upon him by our Dad. All he ever wanted was a family but he really didn't know who to be a husband or father. His alcoholism and drug use clouded his mind. He was so generous in so many ways and a good friend and I miss my little brother but I know exactly who and what he was; I am grateful, today, that I was able to walk him home to the Sacraments before he died.
I want to be open and honest about my mother. Mom was so strong and loving, so supportive of me in my struggles BUT she held me to a standard of behavior she did not hold her son. I realize now it is because she couldn't - she knew her son's weaknesses and it is why she made me promise to always help him. She was stubborn and willful as only an Italian woman could be but she also overcame so much - a bad marriage, an alkie for a kid (me) and a kid that was just wild and unpredictable (him). I miss her so much sometimes, especially now when I am about to embark on a new time in my life. I wish I could share this new adventure with her. I feel so lonely without her sometimes that it makes me cry.
All the of the various problems and traumas that are family related I have recovered from because I have such good support - cousins who are like brothers and sisters to me, good friends helping me stay on the path of sobriety and a strong Faith Tradition. I have few friends in the Catholic Community these days because I am, in a lot of their eyes, not quite good enough. I did not vote right and I don't support the right Mass and blah blah blah. However I am not Catholic for the people - I am Catholic because Jesus founded that Church and that is where I find the Eucharist. And yes I can also find the Sacraments in the Orthodox Church but I don't think I am strong enough physically to endure their Divine Liturgy or Lenten fast.
What I find interesting now is recovering from recent trauma - the assault on my integrity, the threats, the outright lies and demands that I 'get out' from people that are now on a campaign to convince others that all that stuff never happened. It is insulting. It is what happens to a lot of people - children who are assaulted are told by the same kind of people that what happened wasn't all that bad OR that it was only one or two people so ignore it. And while I am well aware of the different levels of traumatic events and exactly what it is I went through, the philosophy being employed is exactly the same. "It didn't happen that way." "It was only a few people". "The people in charge when that happened aren't there anymore".
In other words, they are lying.
So I pick up the tools I have been given and I employ them. I know what is true and what is not. I kept journaling during the actual event and I took regular inventories and I do not allow people to try and tell me that it didn't happen that way. Yes it did. I journal now and take daily inventories of my behavior so that I can forgive in my heart and be coldly polite when these people cross my path. I try to think how Mama would treat them - and do my best Laura. I am getting good at it, too.
Why do people do this? I think it is a defense mechanism for some - it makes it easier for them to okay their passive support of a group that is really awful and ugly - and for the perpetrators it is part of their pathology. It allows them to continue skipping down their own destructive road, happy that their destiny is not what it is inevitable. They will be alone at some point or surrounded by people who have none of their history because all their bridges will have been burned and destroyed.
Life is hard. Not healing from hurt makes it harder. I am healing from a hurt that really happened. I am so grateful to those people in my tribe who are healing from the same thing because we know what and who we are - and today I get to hang with them and get well with them.
Thank you for listening.