Don't Try to Tell - You'll Just Be Slapped Down

 It is natural, I think, for people to revise history.  In my family we have always tried to focus on the good memories of people rather than the bad stuff that has happened.  There is nothing particularly wrong with that unless one has not taken the time to truly heal from the bad stuff.

I have always been open and honest about my own father.  He was not a good one.  I am also very grateful to those who have helped me on my personal journey - professionals in the therapy world, good spiritual directors, the group of people who help me stay sober - because today I can honestly focus on the good memories of my Dad.  I can laugh at his neurotic weirdness, understand that he suffered from PTSD as a result of his horrible childhood and combat in WW2, and appreciate his good qualities.  We shared a love of history, animals and dogs in particular.  My Dad loved me as best he could and I pray for his soul every day.

I try to be open and honest about my brother.  He tried so hard to overcome the abuse inflicted upon him by our Dad.  All he ever wanted was a family but he really didn't know who to be a husband or father.  His alcoholism and drug use clouded his mind. He was so generous in so many ways and a good friend and I miss my little brother but I know exactly who and what he was; I am grateful, today, that I was able to walk him home to the Sacraments before he died.

I want to be open and honest about my mother.  Mom was so strong and loving, so supportive of me in my struggles BUT she held me to a standard of behavior she did not hold her son.  I realize now it is because she couldn't - she knew her son's weaknesses and it is why she made me promise to always help him.  She was stubborn and willful as only an Italian woman could be but she also overcame so much - a bad marriage, an alkie for a kid (me) and a kid that was just wild and unpredictable (him).  I miss her so much sometimes, especially now when I am about to embark on a new time in my life.  I wish I could share this new adventure with her. I feel so lonely without her sometimes that it makes me cry.

All the of the various problems and traumas that are family related I have recovered from because I have such good support - cousins who are like brothers and sisters to me, good friends helping me stay on the path of sobriety and a strong Faith Tradition.  I have few friends in the Catholic Community these days because I am, in a lot of their eyes, not quite good enough.  I did not vote right and I don't support the right Mass and blah blah blah.  However I am not Catholic for the people - I am Catholic because Jesus founded that Church and that is where I find the Eucharist.  And yes I can also find the Sacraments in the Orthodox Church but I don't think I am strong enough physically to endure their Divine Liturgy or Lenten fast.

What I find interesting now is recovering from recent trauma - the assault on my integrity, the threats, the outright lies and demands that I 'get out' from people that are now on a campaign to convince others that all that stuff never happened.  It is insulting.  It is what happens to a lot of people - children who are assaulted are told by the same kind of people that what happened wasn't all that bad OR that it was only one or two people so ignore it.  And while I am well aware of the different levels of traumatic events and exactly what it is I went through, the philosophy being employed is exactly the same.  "It didn't happen that way."  "It was only a few people".  "The people in charge when that happened aren't there anymore".  

In other words, they are lying.

So I pick up the tools I have been given and I employ them.  I know what is true and what is not.  I kept journaling during the actual event and I took regular inventories and I do not allow people to try and tell me that it didn't happen that way.  Yes it did. I journal now and take daily inventories of my behavior so that I can forgive in my heart and be coldly polite when these people cross my path. I try to think how Mama would treat them - and do my best Laura. I am getting good at it, too.

Why do people do this?  I think it is a defense mechanism for some - it makes it easier for them to okay their passive support of a group that is really awful and ugly - and for the perpetrators it is part of their pathology.  It allows them to continue skipping down their own destructive road, happy that their destiny is not what it is inevitable.  They will be alone at some point or surrounded by people who have none of their history because all their bridges will have been burned and destroyed.

Life is hard. Not healing from hurt makes it harder.  I am healing from a hurt that really happened.  I am so grateful to those people in my tribe who are healing from the same thing because we know what and who we are - and today I get to hang with them and get well with them. 

Thank you for listening.

That DARN Litany of Humility

 I pray it every morning.  It has been a part of my prayer discipline for a few years now.  I really do want to be a better me and this prayer states my goals. I struggle with humility - or at least I struggle with the humility outlined in the Litany - but I keep praying it every morning.  

I am sincere when I pray it.  I really do want to be delivered from these desires because they have always gotten me into a spiritual funk.  So I mean it when I say it and I mean it now when I say that every time I am given a practical experience of being overlooked, unwanted, disregarded, not listened to, etc. etc. my childish feelings get hurt.  

Just this morning I was handed the perfect opportunity to accept with inner grace being shoved aside. I blew it. I simply bowed out and left, angry and hurt.  Then I had to do somethings:  I had to write it out, pray and meditate on it and actively forgive them.  Then I had to acknowledge to God that He had given me a fabulous opportunity and I had missed it.  

Good news?  I kept quiet at the moment.  No apologies need to be made.  Phew.

I try not to share my experiences until I get to the solution.  I think I am at the solution now.  The solution is to thank God for that opportunity and continue to pray the prayer.  Someday, God Willing, I will get it right the first time.

The Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...

From the desire of being extolled ...

From the desire of being honored ...

From the desire of being praised ...

From the desire of being preferred to others...

From the desire of being consulted ...

From the desire of being approved ...

From the fear of being humiliated ...

From the fear of being despised...

From the fear of suffering rebukes ...

From the fear of being calumniated ...

From the fear of being forgotten ...

From the fear of being ridiculed ...

From the fear of being wronged ...

From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...

That, in the opinion of the world,

others may increase and I may decrease ...

That others may be chosen and I set aside ...

That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it…Amen.

Starting February Off With the Sacrament of Confession

 I participated in the Sacrament of Confession yesterday.  It was the first time I had been in a month.  Normally, I try to go every two weeks but I have been feeling disconnected and off the past 30 days. I have been doing this long enough to know that my feelings are not because of anyone or anything - they just are - so I finally had that moment of clarity that got me off my butt and into the confessional.  

This blogpost is not to debate the whys and wherefores of the Sacrament.  You got a problem with Catholic Sacramental Liturgy? Too bad. 

Rather, I wish to share what I have been struggling with the past several months in the off chance that another Catholic might go, "Oh good, me too and yay, I am not alone".

I trust The Church.  Jesus founded Her and gave Her HIS authority.  I have no problem with the Precepts and I even understand that I am not a Catholic because I really like the Pope or the people in the Church. I am a Catholic because it is where I found the fullness of Christianity and every time I have looked into other ways to climb the Mountain of Salvation, I have found those other ways to be either pale imitations of Reality or flat out poorly disguised detours to hell.  So I stay, despite my weakness and my inability to be a really good Catholic, I stay.  

I stay despite some of the dumbest stuff on the internet from people who should know better.  The thinly veiled political agendas and the anointing of politicians as the New David by people who are supposed to guide us to heaven is shameful.  BOTH SIDES of the political aisle do this - and seeing it makes my teeth grind in frustration.

I stay despite my own inability to be kind and loving towards those who are hurtful and disingenuous. I really want to be a saint. I just don't like liars and cheats. They scare me.  They hurt others and they are so blatant about it that I get discouraged.

I stay even though I fall so short of what Jesus asks of me that I have become pretty sure He dismisses my prayers and petitions. I just don't think He cares what I want and hope for in this world. Sure, He hears my prayers but I think I make Him laugh - and not with gentle amusement but with derision.  

I took all this to the confessional yesterday because I recognize the sin of pride in all of this - that sin that manifests into "what about ME and what I WANT" rather than meek acceptance of what really is a wonderful and full life.  I have a safe place to live and good friends.  My bills are paid and I have a family that loves me.  Really, there is no reason to complain. Knowing that is why I went to hear the words, "I absolve you from your sins" from the man acting in the Person of Jesus.  I did that so I could go to Mass last night and receive Jesus in the Eucharist with a clean heart and soul.

Sometimes it is difficult to walk in the world.  I just get tired of all the folderol. Still, I know I am on the right path even though I am hardly skipping along the way.  Today I am dragging my feet but I am walking.  

I trust Jesus, I do.  

Lord, I believe.....Help my unbelief.

#ScottieLife

 I have shared my life with a Scottish Terrier since I purchased my first one when I was 26 years old.  That was over 40 years ago and it was a male I named Shaw's Angus MacDuff.  He was a pistol and he was a challenge.  He shared my home for 14 years, dying in my arms of cancer.  I cried and cried when I let him go.  Mac was the love of my life.

In 1998 I purchased a Scottie from a breeder in my home area.  Shaw's Roddy MacDuff was a wonder.  He had 'the chip' - meaning that he had a natural need to perform and get applause and compete.  I competed him in AKC Obedience Trials and for a short time - like 3 days - he was the number one Obedience Dog in the State.  That was remarkable.  The Scottish Terrier is not known for Obedience stuff.  In fact, my Dad once told me that I would never be able to train 'that dog' in Obedience without taking a two-by-four to its head (and I am not sure he was kidding).  Later, when he saw how amazing Roddy was in the Ring, he did a total Dad and took credit for it. "I taught my girl everything she knows and look what she did with that dog!".  If Roddy didn't win, he would threaten to report the judge to the AKC.  

I lost Roddy at the age of 8.  In 2006 he died of Lymphoma and it broke my heart.  He was more than my companion; he was my partner in the ring and the grief was so deep.  

Two years later, I bought Shaw's William Wallace MacDuff from a breeder here in the area.  Duffy was all Scottie.  While he learned basic obedience he had absolutely no desire to compete in anything.  His attitude was that we, human beings, were lucky he wanted to hang out with us at all.  I was his person but he had no problem scolding me if he thought I had overstepped my bounds - like maybe I was 30 minutes late getting home from work which delayed his dinner.  What was I thinking?  

When he was 7, Duffy died from Cirrhosis of the Liver.  I was 23 years without any alcohol or drugs and having to accept the fact that my DOG had an illness than normally killed people like me who keep drinking and using was both ironic and sad.  I cried and cried....I felt like I had let him down somehow because I had tried to save him, subjecting him to transfusions and treatments he didn't want.  He died at the Vets before I could get to him and that haunted me for years.

I knew I could not afford another dog.  I didn't want anything other than a Scottish Terrier.  That is my breed.  I love everything about them - their sassy look, their attitude, their intelligence.....their willfulness.  I have often said St Thomas Aquinas would have rethought his theology of Free Will if he had lived with a Scottie.

My mentor suggested I put my name on the list for Scottie Rescue.  I read up on it and submitted an application.  My journey began with the local club as the wait for a Scottie to rescue began.  I kept being turned down for a variety of reasons.  I became very discouraged and shared with my mentor that I was going to take my name off the list.  "Don't quit - let God handled this", she advised and so, reluctantly, I agreed.  

One night, very late (after 9pm - for me?  That's late), I received a phone call from Nancy, one of the women with Scottie Rescue.  A little guy had shown up at the Stockton Animal Shelter.  He was very beat up - broken hip, broken paw, skin raw in places where he had been attacked while on the street - and the rumor was that he had been tossed out of a car during a domestic violence incident.  I told her that I was not sure I could take him. I didn't have any excess income and wouldn't be able to provide the medical care he needed.  "Oh no", she said. "We would have you adopt through the shelter and then UC Davis ( the premiere teaching university for veterinary science) will provide all the medical treatment."  This sounded promising....and then she said, "They do not usually name their strays brought in but he is so darn cute they have been calling him (wait for it) MACDUFF".

I went to my Mom's room to tell her and she said,  "Oh we have to go get our dog".

Shaw's RobRoy MacDuff came to us that summer.  He's been with me every since.  We chose his birthday to be in September which is just an estimate of his age.  I did a DNA test when I first got him and he is a purebred Scottie but we do not know his line.  His dna/blood sample is now with the Health Trust Database so maybe some day we will find out what his lineage it.  All I know is he is a love bug and very tolerant....I know because.......

Two years ago into his life came a ball of fire known as Shaw's Lilas MacDuff of McPhee.  Lola, the Showgirl has been my introduction to AKC Conformation and all the ins and outs of that sport.  Right now we are waiting to breed her for the first time - that makes her a Maiden Bitch - because I have the chance to become a real Scottish Terrier Breeder.  I have the chance to introduce a line of dogs into this valley that are healthy and strong and the perfect companion for a family that wants a protector and someone to boss them around.  

This breed is NOT for everyone.  If you have a bunch of little humans who have never had a dog, you might not want a Scottie.  If, however, you have the time and patience for a puppy and the household that will respect the breed while loving its personality this is the breed for you.  A Scottie is tough, loving, smart, funny and not afraid.  They are not stupid and they will not tolerate stupidity from their humans.....yes, you can hurt their feelings but they will forgive you.  Yes, you must be the Alpha in your home but they will challenge you.  Yes, they will look at you sometimes like you are an English Spy and they are a Scottish Revolutionary Terrorist but they are the best damn dog on the planet.

My hope is that Lola will give birth sometime in April (there is a 60 day gestation period).  My hope is I will get to keep a puppy and then sell the rest to people who will fall in love with this breed like I am in love with this breed.

The MacDuff Line begins!

New Day New Year = Renew My Heart, O Lord

 I have thoughts running through my head this morning.  I don't know what will make sense and what will not but I know it is important to get the thoughts out of said head and 'onto a piece of paper' - even if this piece of paper is an online blog.

I am blessed.  I am blessed for many reasons but my biggest reason is that I am no longer an Angry Catholic.  I am saddened by those who are but after the past four years - since 2020 - I am firm in my internal commitment to The Church.  I am not Catholic because of a blogger or a priest or a Bishop.  I do not need to go looking for evidence that The Church is falling to Evil anymore like so many Catholics do.  I know why I am here and I know I stay despite the people I meet who seem to want me to go.  

I am blessed.  My health is pretty good for a 69 year old woman.  I am managing my diabetes well and I have lost the appropriate amount of weight and I can walk without too much hitch in my giddy-up.  I can still clean my own home and do my own chores.  I can live on my own and many people my age can no longer do that so I am so happy. I can say good-bye to those who have gone onto heaven and hope I join them someday without wishing it would happen sooner than not.  

I am blessed.  I know who and what I am today.  I can accept guidance from those who are wiser than this gal without worrying that I am losing myself by accepting that guidance. 

I am blessed.  A core group of solid people are in my life.  They are people who share my love for the lifestyle I adopted over three decades ago and appreciate how delicate and fragile it can be if it is not protected. I don't cheapen it by doing a little something here or there....I protect it, and so can hand on what I learn to anyone else interested.  

I am blessed. I don't have to like the people who made life so hard this year with lies and attacks but I can forgive them and let them go forth and wreak their own havoc on their little corner of the earth.  

I am blessed. My dogs are healthy. 

I am blessed by so much.  

I have a long way to go and I intend to renew my vow to walk this path with diligence this year. I want to be kinder. I want to be on it when it comes to my mistakes and correct and apologize quickly so that I do not cause harm.  I want to deepen my prayer life and have sympathy for those who are still Angry and convinced the world is ending tomorrow because some idiot of a priest dressed as a clown and made a mockery of The Mass.  I want to remember that these kind of abuses are allowed by God for a reason - so that people like me, who love the worship described by St. Justin Martyr o so long ago is still handed on with reverence.  It's a tough assignment - to stand firm in the face of failures and do it with love. I have to take on that assignment, though, because if I don't, who?

It is 2025. I am vital and healthy and today the new year begins with the love we show to the Mother of God, the Mother of The Church.  May she continue to walk with me and may I try my best to be like her.... or maybe more like one of her dear friends because I am sure I will fall short of her as my goal.  I think, maybe, I just need to remember that she can be my mother now....and I can hope to be with her in heaven some day.