Not Worrying About Myself So Much - that is the Goal

 I don't make New Year Resolutions.  What I like to do is reflect back over the previous year and then ask God to guide me towards what I need to be conscious of in order to make true spiritual progress.

I don't know if I got an answer from God but I do know that the last few days have focused my thoughts and energies on other people in trouble.  They are hurting from illness or worried about other people in their lives who are having difficulties.  I have found myself drawn to them, waking up at 0300 and being reminded to pray a decade of the Rosary for them, reaching out to them during the day.  That's really not like me - I get busy and my good intentions of the morning often get ground into dust as I rush through the day.  

When I do think of others, especially those in real trouble right now, my own worries about who is saying what about me or who is hurting me or me me me me ME vanish.  I don't remember this on my own.  How foolish is that?  I remember this during morning prayer, when I am asking God to guide me through out the day.  I get that God Shot, that spiritual shove that serves as a reminder of my true purpose on earth.  Love God, clean up my own messes, serve others.  That's it.  That is all I have to do, each day, to live a good solid life.  Love God, no matter how God shows up that day.  Clean up my own messes, no matter how much I don't want to get my hands dirty.  Serve others, no matter how inconvenient.  If I do this, even unwillingly, I can have a happy life.

I will never been a big time professional Catholic guru.  No one will invite me to the White House or to speak at a big convention and lead people to the True Altar Call of The Eucharist.

Honestly, that is not my ambition - if it ever really was - but I do want to live something beyond a life of quiet desperation waiting to join my family in heaven; rather, I want to live a life of QUIET CONSECRATION.  I want to be a pencil in the Hand that created the Universe, to paraphrase Mother Teresa.  I just want to be useful the way God wants me to be useful.

I guess that is my New Year's resolution.

Would You Just STOP?????

 Have you ever wanted to grab someone by the hair, swing them around a little and then scream into their face, "WOULD YOU JUST KNOCK IT OFF?"

Asking for a friend.

It's probably the holidays and the stress and the grief that is inevitable and blah blah blah but I have almost zero tolerance for folderol right now.

My back and hip hurt, I am stuffed up and it's too cold outside for me to walk the dogs more than ten minutes at a time.  I am grumpy and out of sorts.  People are sooooooo stupid right now.  WHO CARES about what Candace Owens says - the woman is rich and crazy!  STOP trying to champion MTG - she still thinks Jews power Space Lasers that cause forest fires.  Charlie Kirk is NOT ever going to be canonized by the Catholic Church!  Men wearing artful make up and wearing a dress are NOT women and do not belong on women's sports teams or in women's locker rooms - and other men should stop making them feel UNSAFE if they change their clothes and shower where they are supposed to change their clothes and shower!  Your part of Italy is not better or more authentic that the part MY people live in and the color of your skin does NOT automatically assign you ANYTHING in terms of character.  JUST STOP IT.

It's like that great line from Moonstruck - SNAP OUT OF IT!

Okay, okay...enough.  Why do I feel like this?  Eh....a variety of reasons.  More importantly, what do I do with these feelings?  How do I act despite these feelings?  Where do I take my inner turmoil for relief?

The easy answer is God.  The 'how' is through prayer and ACTION.

Or maybe....INaction.

I do not roll my eyes when someone talks, I smile when I want to cry and I do not make snarky mean remarks even though the remarks I could make would be SOOOOOOO funny.  They might make people laugh, but they are barbed and nasty and why would I want even my enemies to feel like I feel right now?

Neither do I pretend with God or the persons in my life who really count that I am just fine, doncha know...don't you worry about me, by golly...I is PErFeCT.  Nope.  Tell the truth and shame the devil.

I BEG God in prayer to redirect my thinking, give me the grace I need for right action and (most importantly) I lean into the Sacramental Liturgical Life offered to me by Holy Mother Church.  Confession, Adoration in the middle of the night when I wake up in tears missing...well....EVERYBODY, the Eucharist.  I remember that I do have a purpose here on earth because if I did not have one God would bring me home.  I trust in Him. He does have my back and He does know what is good for me.  And I keep going 'no matter what'.

I write a gratitude list every day because I KNOW I have much for which to be grateful.  I am much happier that I feel, really, because I understand that emotions are not necessarily wrong but neither are they necessarily the truth.  

You, the people who read my little blog, help me when you reach out.  I am so grateful.  My dogs are healthy, I have great friends around me.....this too shall pass.

Lord, forgive my grumpiness.  Lord, thank You for all You have provided for me.  Let me be a Channel of THY peace today.

As for the rest of ya?

KNOCK IT OFF.

When People Show You

 This morning I read one of my favorite quotes from the late great Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".  I read it right after I listened to Bishop Barron's homily on today's Gospel.  

Once again I am amazed at the contradiction that is Catholicism when practiced in the world.  The overwhelming challenge of loving the unlovable, forgiving the unforgivable and my lack of ability be a good Catholic without constant, every day reminders.  The personal struggle I have with being rejected and unloved despite my daily praying of the Litany of Humility is real.  I am convinced that my spiritual progress is hinged upon this struggle.  

Mother Teresa of Calcutta wrote letters that shared her struggle with this same principle so I can, I suppose, take comfort that I am in good company.  As a Dominican,  I am supposed to live Truth and I don't think I can do that well if I am not honest about what it costs me at times. 

I struggle with people who just don't care.  They are going to vomit their vitriol all over the rest of us and then defend their RIGHT to do so with a twisted, ugly version of Christianity that makes me cringe.  When I read or hear words of anger and hatred coming from the mouths of those who declare their love for Jesus, I want to take the easy way out.  I want to believe what they are showing me and just remove them from my world.  It may make my world happier in a way, but is that what St Dominic would do?  Is it what a Catholic should do?

Trying to reach out to those embroiled in anger and hate is difficult.  The rejection is always real.  The modern world doesn't stand for any kind of correction - I know it is difficult when I receive it - and oftentimes the words of 'are you sure you want to do that?' are harder for me to hear than 'F you' wrapped in the language of Christianity.  But both are hard to hear - you did that wrong and F you have the same sting.

People do reveal their character and I am going to believe them when they do.  What I will try to hold onto is that people's hearts can be illuminated with the Truth and then they can make a decision to work against their own character.  I know I have - my character is rooted in fear of rejection.  I work against it every day knowing I will never achieve perfection in my quest to only care what Jesus and His Church thinks of me.  I cannot do it without the Grace of God.  So I will not stop holding out hope and my hand...and if that means having it slapped away because what I witness is bad behavior?

In the words of our gal from Calcutta - 'here comes Jesus, cleverly disguised'.

All Hallows Eve

 Tonight is opening night of a community theatre production of The Haunting of Hill House.  I have a very small part.  It has been a lot of fun and a lot of hard work.  I miss my daily routine with my dogs.  

This past week has meant pondering on the nature of grief.  On Monday, out of nowhere, I was broadsided by a wave of it.  Suddenly, opening night was something to dread because THEY were not going to be in the audience.  Upcoming holidays were another reason to just hole up inside and not talk with anyone. The tears flowed, my nose got all stuffed up and red, and my older dog looked at me with such worry it made me cry harder.

Once the cry spell was over I wrote it all out, shared it in a general way, picked up the phone and called someone else and asked how they were doing and then went about my day.  It was grief.  It is normal.  It is nothing to fear unless I try to pretend it isn't real.  

Over the years I have become convinced that the key to this whole Life thing is rooted in honesty - honesty with myself and God and those around me.  I feel that the danger lies in pretending I am NOT feeling sorrow and grief over people dead - some more than two decades dead - because that pretending is rooted in a feeling of failure.  I must not be doing this whole life thing right if I still miss my husband, my Auntie and Uncle, my Dad and my Mom and John.  I must be a bad Catholic, a worse Christian and a lousy practicer of any philosophy that requires a spiritual connection with God. I'm not praying enough or something.

Nah, I don't think so.

I think - and maybe I am wrong - that these flashes of human weakness (missing people and wishing for something not possible) is merely a reminder from God that I need Him.  Because I know it is necessary to turn to Him for comfort.  It reinforces my dependence upon His Grace to get through this life because, without it, I would isolate and withdraw.  Instead, I feel what is happening and then do what He has taught me people like me should do in order to spend our Eternity with Him.  There are actions I have to take and if I do not?  My salvation is at risk.  

I am grateful for being able to miss people today - the ones who loved me, the ones who didn't really like me but tolerated me and the ones who have rejected me - because it reminds me that I am a creature with a Creator.  I am so loved by so many people!  It is amazing and I am soooooo grateful for their love.  I appreciate them, I honor them and I hope they know they are assets in my life.  

But sometimes a gal just misses her Mama or her baby brother or her husband...or her Dad.

And you know what?

That's okay too.

Happy All Hallows Eve.

Here Comes October - Again

 October begins the same time every year so I should not be surprised. Yet every year I feel the same - where did the time go?  

I begin my yearly stroll through the 'did I get this done' inventory of 2025 around this time every year.  I also do my 'should I have' walk.  Should I have spent that money on the new kitchen? Did I get rid of all the stuff in the garage no one wants but me? Have I been the Catholic I should be? 

Doing this kind of yearly self-appraisal does not lead to melancholy for me; rather, I am usually compelled to evaluate where I am on my spiritual journey and the answer is usually the same.  Lacking.  Thats what I am - truly Lacking in becoming the woman I hope will hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant - welcome into the Joy of Heaven".

Recently, when I shared with one of our separated Christians how I view my very intimate and personal relationship with Jesus Christ I could see their eyes glaze over. Yet last night, on a phone call with another Catholic who is also trying his best to walk this path towards Heaven, I was reaffirmed in my struggle towards perfection.  We speak the same language, a language filled with grace and sacraments and knowledge of God's ever present love and forgiveness for us, His creatures.  I slept soundly knowing that there is at least one more person on this planet who gets my walk.

I handed some Catholic books over to a Catholic man yesterday, one who shared with me that his family is deepening their commitment to the Church The Savior founded.  I liked it.  I liked knowing that two little kids were going to get to read about saints and martyrs and two adults now had a good Catechism in their home.  Again, part of my walk.  I spread the Faith, the TRUE Faith where I can and do it despite being told I am unworthy.  In fact, that is WHY I do it.  Unworthy types like me are usually listened to more.  It is our gift. Our dark pasts make us available.  Our daily struggles make us real.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do as Catholics?