Quiet Consecration

DFW - A Fabulous program comes to an end

2012-01-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

DFW has been a stop over R&R station for our returning soldiers for over seven years. Because of the draw down of American troops in Afghanistan, the US Army says the busy airport will no longer serve as a stop over station.

Now, that's kind of a good thing - it means our boys and girls in uniform are coming home.

That's not the story - the story is the incredible volunteer program put together by the women and men of Dallas/Fort Worth area. On their own time, and on their own dime, they put together a Texas style welcome for every group that came through the doors at DFW. My soldier was one of them, and he shared with us that their plane was met with a Water Canon Salute, a crowd of people with waving flags and lots of goodies to share, and the kind of 'We Love You because You Did the Deal' attitude that our soliders deserve when they are returning from the war.

I know that war is hell. I know we have lost so many of our best and brightest, that some horrible things have happened to our young men and women and that they have seen, heard and participated in a side of life no right-thinking person wants for their children. I also know that we cannot ever let them feel that their efforts and work is not appreciated. They deserve support - medical, emotional, scholastically, financially, and most of all spiritually. They MUST never forget that WE have not forgotten...for me, I can never forget.

SO read the article. It is fabulous. Makes me proud to be 'Half Texan'.

OH THE HORROR AND THE PAIN - Niners Lose in OT

2012-01-23T10:54:00.000-08:00

Well, after an amazing football season my San Francisco Forty Niners fell short of the goal of Super Bowl. In OT, they lost by three points to the NY Giants. The mistake made fell to poor Kyle Williams, who muffed a return and gave the Giants FG range.

Doggone it.

I have to say I did not expect us to go as far as we did and I had a GREAT time this season. I like our new coach, I feel sorry for Kyle (he has received death threats on twitter - tell me how stupid that is, ok?) and I am proud to call myself a Forty Niner Faithful one more time.

I suppose I will root for the Giants because I am an NFC kind of girl, but the Patriots are a fun team too and Tom Brady is from the Bay Area....

The best part of the Super Bowl will now be the commercials.

I love the silly stuff they do with commercials every year.

Let's face it - I love football. I would be watching no matter who plays. I am, a bit, relieved we did not make it to the Super Bowl because the franchise has never lost in the Big Show and we are not quite Super Bowl material as yet.

But just wait until next year....

Whose got it better than us?

NOBODY!!!!

Praying in the Middle of the Day

2012-01-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

Trying to be Catholic Out Loud on a daily basis can be tougher than actually BEING Catholic Out Loud. Especially if one has any kind of responsibility in the workplace. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind, look up at the clock and realise that the plan to put ten minutes aside in the mid morning to pray has to be readjusted.

This is what happened to me today. Juggling deployment of team members, preparing for upcoming unit meetings as well as doing a preliminary on the next employee evaluation pretty much filled up my morning. Suddenly even my small stomach was grumbling and I realize it was 1230!

I pulled out my grilled salmon and fired up the iPhone - I use the iBreviary Ap for Divine Office - and went to the section marked Daytime Prayers. I mentally sang the Midday hymn (all my tunes sound alike - but I am not singing out loud so I figure God understands I love the music, I am not a musician) and then the Antiphon stunned me.

I have pondered my ways and turned back to your teaching (Psalm 119:57-64).

This simple and beautiful phrase sums up my life. I am one of those Catholics who never really left The Church in my heart; rather, I just walked away from Her Teachings. It is very difficult to be a full on drunk (and all the fun that goes with that) and adhere to the Teachings of Christ Jesus. Far be it from me to cast aspersions on those who claim to be able to do both (usually people who believe it is impossible to lose one's salvation - boy are they going to be horribly surprised) but for me I knew that I could not call myself a Catholic unless I was trying my best, one day at a time, to LIVE as a Catholic. I had to be willing to adhere to the teachings, which I did after I came to the conclusion that the life I was living was so foul, so ugly, so sad and so lonely that even someone as determined to 'be my own woman' as me couldn't kid herself any longer.

I have pondered my ways and turned back to your teaching.

The evidence of my inability to really live a beautiful life were all around me. Dead children, dead friends, dead husband.....sad and fat and sick and scared....I could see nothing but destruction no matter where I looked. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew who had caused all the calamity in my life. It was not my 'bad' parents or my 'awful' childhood - it was me. Aided by my disease of Alcoholism I had freely chosen a pathway of sin and anger, of loneliness and despair. Take away the alcohol from this alcoholic and you were left with a sober person who had to be convinced that the pathway she had chosen was not really for her. What other disease causes one to have to choose happiness?

There are quite a few Catholics today who take great glee in knocking the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. I have blogged about them before and warned people to beware of anyone - Catholic or no - who feels it necessary to demonize the Steps in order to make whatever they are offering seem palatable. This kind of proselytizing is forbidden but it happens all the time. To believe that a person who applies the 12 Steps to their lives will walk away from something as deep and rich as Catholicism is (of course) ridiculous, but that belief is there.

I firmly believe that the 12 Steps taught me how to rely upon a Power greater than myself. Once I began to rely upon that Power, a Power I call God, I was naturally and beautifully led home to the Catholic Faith. My reliance upon that Power opened my eyes to the necessity of a Sacramental Life and you cannot find that outside of full communion with the Church that Christ Himself founded.

I have pondered my ways and turned back to your teaching.

And so at midday, I pray:

God of mercy, this midday moment of rest is your welcome gift. Bless the work we have begun, make good its defects and let us finish it in a way that pleases you. Grant this through Christ our Lord.

AMEN.

Practicing Catholic Woman - OUT AND PROUD

2012-01-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

Breathe on me, breath of God,
Fill me with life anew,
That I may love the things you love
and do what you would do.

Almighty Rule, God of Truth,
Who guide and master all,
The rays with which you gild the dawn
With noonday heat now fall.

*******************************************

I am a practicing Catholic woman, which means I keep going forward no matter how many times I fall on my face and blow it. When I fall into sin, I pick myself up and take myself to He who heals me. I don't go to Confession because I am 'better than', I go to Confession because I am the worst kind of sinner - the kind that thinks she is fine, fine, fine until something crops up and shatters my high opinion of me.

I am a practicing Catholic woman. I pray the Liturgy of the Hours at least twice a day because I am trying to become a Lay Dominican and because it is good for me. I use an iPhone Ap - iBreviary - because every time I have tried to learn how to use the books my dyslexia kicks in and I get confused.

I am a practicing Catholic woman. I find myself becoming annoyed with those members of The Church who take great pleasure in pointing out how deficient some other members are - I am not talking about calling out 'pro choice' politicians or demanding that the priests and religious at least TRY to live their vows. I am talking about those who decide things like Father Baron's WORD ON FIRE is bad for Catholics because he once did a complete study of Father Thomas Merton and published an article that did not condemn the priest to hell. I am talking about members of The Church who put YouTube videos on line that claim to 'prove' AA promotes anti-Christian beliefs in the Big Book. I find myself wanting to distance myself from these people, rather than take the chance that someone who is not a Catholic will think I believe like they believe. Dare I say it? Those who engage in that type of behavior make me ashamed to be Catholic.

I am a practicing Catholic woman. I have a horrible past, one filled with sinful and drunken behavior. I killed my own children in the name of freedom. I know, deep in my heart, that there are members of The Church who would dismiss me because of that past. I also know, without any doubt at all, that The Church has welcomed me home, cleaned me up and helped me learn to walk towards Light and Truth again. And I am so grateful.

I am a practicing Catholic woman. I pray the Rosary once a day and regularly take the time to stop and beg God to return my family and friends to His Church. I do that not just for their sake but for selfish reasons. My cross is that I am, in many ways, the Last Catholic Standing in my family and I sometimes get lonely for someone who shares my DNA to go to Mass with me. I know that is my cross. I accept it. However, I have a tendency to whine.

All of this and much, much more makes me a Practicing Catholic Woman. I am not ashamed. I am Catholic, Out Loud. I hope others like me will 'come out' and start shouting to the world that they, too, are a Practicing Catholic Woman.

Let us pray:

God of mercy,
this midday moment of rest
is your welcome gift.
Bless the work we have begun,
make good its defects
and let us finish it in a way that pleases
you.
Grant this through Christ our Lord.
-Amen

How long, O Lord, will you forget me?

2012-01-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

In today's prayers at mid day we pray Psalm 13, The lament of the just man who does not lose hope in God.

How many times do I pray with tears in my eyes? How often am I begging God to relieve me of the pain and the suffering I am experiencing? Yet even when I am hurting, I am firmly rooted in the belief and hope that He has not left me an orphan, He has not left me alone.

The Psalm for today goes on:
As for me, I trust in your merciful love.

Absolutely, I do trust in His merciful Love. Not just the love that my Father has for me but in His LOVE - that which we know to be Jesus Christ, True God and True Man. I trust in that Love - for Jesus, as God, is Love - and know that my heart will someday rejoice in the saving help that is Jesus.

I suppose it is normal to not want pain, and only the greatest of living saints welcomed the pain of living. They recognized immediately the gift that God gives us when He gives us the share in the suffering of The Son. I just wish I was a little more extrordianary and could remember, at the moment it is happening, that I am being given a gift.

Most of the time I just think, "OUCH OUCH OUCH STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT".

No, a great saint I am not...and I doubt I will ever have my own feast day celebrated by the Church. But I do get to have a sober birthday.

I guess that will do for now!

Let my heart rejoice in your saving help:
Let me sing to the Lord for his goodness to me,
singing psalms to the name of the Lord,
the Most High.

Listening to Catholic Radio

2012-01-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

On the way home last night I tuned in the repeat of Al Kresta's program. To my absolute delight, I was privileged to listen to an interview with a lovely woman - Heather King. Author, Convert, Pilgrim, Seeker - listening to this woman felt like I was listening to my own story. Not only do we share a common Faith (Catholicism), we share a common illness (Alcoholism). That tells me that she and I share an interesting way of looking at the world around us - slightly skewed, a little to the side, and possibly upside down on a really good day.

I urge you to check out her blog here. She writes under the title Shirt of Flame. She speaks to wondering around town in the company of one of my favorite Carmelites - St. Therese of Liseux.

Granted, I am following my Dominican calling now and lean quite comfortably towards St Catherine of Siena as a spiritual mentor, but The Little Flower is my first prayer buddy and remains near and dear to my heart.

I have never read Heather's books. The fact that they are published leads me to believe I don't ever have to write my memoirs - there are enough books on the market now, I think, about ex-lady drunks. However, I look forward to a real vacation this year, spent with soon-to-be 11 year old niece in SeaWorld San Diego dining with Shamu and swimming with a dolphin or two. We plan on reading a book together: To Kill a Mockingbird. Maybe I can read Heather's book after she goes to sleep.

Or maybe I will just have to plan a second vacation just for Auntie.

See, that's a Dominican for you- either/or? No, let's go for a both/and proposition....

St Thomas Aquinas would be proud.

Rick Santorum, a Hero for Today

2012-01-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Learn about Rick Santorum. Learn as much as you can right now. This man, a man of modest means who is running a Presidential Campaign that is (so far) devoid of hatred, attacks or slander against his opponents is someone to watch.

He is 53 years old, the father of seven and a devout Catholic. He is one of those rare individuals who would rather lose a contest than compromise his beliefs in order to win. In other words, the Catholic concept of never allowing the ends to justify the means is very much alive in his daily life.

Rick is a champion of the unborn, a believer in traditional marriage and one who recognizes that radical Islamic values have NO PLACE in the American landscape any more than the idiotic beliefs of the FLDS.

Last night, in Iowa, the man Bill "I Know Everything" O'Reilly would not interview because he does not think he is very important, kicked Mitt Romney's butt all over the place. Mitt 'won' the Iowa Caucus by 7 votes. Today John McCain came out and endorsed Romney - which should give you an idea of how well respected Romney is as John McCain is the same idiot that tanked his campaign by bringing Sarah Palin on board.

I have supported him from the beginning but used to temper my enthusiasm with the caveat of "I don't care that he won't win. Rick Santorum represents MY values in America and I am supporting the guy". I am not a very big contributor - 20 bucks here and there - but today I gave up my hair appointment that I have been saving for and sent him the money instead. Again...not much....but he needs the money to go against the MILLIONS Mitt "I Get My Own Planet When I Die" Romney has to try and win the White House.

He may not win...but by golly I am going to help him put a DENT in the political landscape...the powers that be are going to know that the tough little Irish/Italian kid represents people like ME.

And we are NOT going softly into that good night.

Te Deum laudamus!: Fr. Corapi folds the Black Sheepdog website - speculation begins

2012-01-03T15:08:00.000-08:00

Te Deum laudamus!: Fr. Corapi folds the Black Sheepdog website - speculation begins

The above blog is an excellent examination of the current situation with Father Corapi. I don't have any special information or understanding of what has happened or is happening; what I know is that a talented preacher is in trouble and needs our prayers. Please, let's all practice our Catholic Faith and say those prayers, ok?

Surviving the Flu Virus and other Courageous Stories

2012-01-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

Holy Mackeral.

The past three days have been horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell ya!

Flu bugs are the worst.

My poor stomach was in such pain, I could barely stand up. I missed all the parties, I missed Mass....I thought I may need to go into the hospital. It was awful.

The tough part for people like me is we have a tendency to think that however we are feeling at the time we are feeling it is going to last forever. We are not known for the long haul. Our highs are higher, our lows are lower and no one could possibly EVER understand us.

Even after 19 years of continuos sobriety I fight the tendency to think my pain is different from the average person's. Reality, however, is that it is not; nonalcoholics and non addicts have pain, have relationships with God, have struggles, are spiritual - being an alcoholic or an addict does not give me some sort of spiritual hotline.

The further reality, however, is that I do have a tendency to be overly dramatic and that is probably a symptom of alcoholism and drug addiction.

Chuck C. once said something along the lines of "I am an overly sensitive alcoholic. What some people see as pretty, I see as beautiful. What they see as beautiful can enthrall me for hours". I see that as true about myself. I see things differently and there is nothing particularly bad about that but it is my responsibility to fit into the main stream of life. It is not the responsibility of the world to change itself for me.

As a sober woman, I realize I stay close to the principles of the Program in order to be able to function in the world. As a Catholic woman, I stay close to Holy Mother Church because the deep spirituality offered to me through Her Teachings allows me to practice those principles. The principles of my 12 Step Program are deeply rooted in the love and dependence upon a Higher Power. Because my Higher Power is the Holy Trinity, I want to worship God the way the First Christians did it - and that means Catholicism.

So I survived the flu, though I still feel somewhat sore and weak. I will be able to go to work tomorrow. I am going to try and get down to confession tomorrow because I would like to receive absolution for missing Holy Mass yesterday. I know I was sick and I am not in mortal sin because I was sick, but I would still like to start the new year clean and shiny. While it will probably last through my first drive on the freeway (darn it when people won't drive the way I want them too!) my intentions are to stay sin-free for as long as possible....and I do that one day at a time.

Thank you, Lord, for making me an overly sensitive alcoholic. Thank you, Lord, for Your Church.

Happy New Year - In the Beginning

2011-12-31T18:34:00.000-08:00

All things came to be through him,

and without him nothing came to be.

What came to be4through him was life,

and this life was the light of the human race;

***********************************************

I do not get to go out tonight - I am sick.

I have not felt this bad since my operation - my intestines feel like someone is stabbing me. Apparently, this is a virus going around and tonight it decided to hit me.

It is not as bad as past NYE(s). One time I almost drank and used myself into the hospital - I did so much I ended up with pneumonia. Another time I ended up in another part of the country, underneath someone I did not know and having to look at the stationary in the hotel to figure out what state I was in at the time.

St John's writings was today's Gospel and I think it is perfect for an end and a beginning. I see 2011 as a tough year - the problems with my family were difficult to get through but it brought me closer to the kids, closer to my Mom, closer to my sister-in-law and (as always) closer to God. I know, deep in my heart, that no matter what happens we will be fine....even if we lose someone we love...we will be ok.

I hope that 2012 brings us all closer to God. I hope that, as a Catholic, I can grow in my faith and continue to walk towards heaven, one day at a time. My hope is that I stay sober, and that those around me also draw closer to Him who is Truth. And I continue to hope that someday I will be able to celebrate Mass with all my family...those who have gone before me and those who are here today.

Lord, thank you for all you have given me and continue to give to me. My life is second to none. I am sober. I am alive. Ok, I have the flu - but that allows me to help someone else...those souls in Purgatory that need my offering up...I am offering it up.

Father Hurd and Forgiveness.

2011-12-29T14:01:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday to Jesus, John and me!

2011-12-27T12:25:00.000-08:00

Three important birthdays in a row happened over the weekend; the first belonging to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We celebrated His special day with weeks of preparation: party lights to chase away winter gloom, beautiful trees decorated inside and outside the house, an Advent Wreath (courtesy of our old friend and major tantrum thrower, Father Luther) and, finally, The Sacrifice of The Holy Mass. Being able to join in with our fellow Catholics and pray that magnificent prayer is the highlight of my week on a normal occasion but there is something so stunningly beautiful about being able to celebrate it with my Catholic Family on the day the Church proclaims as the commemoration of His Birth.

There were some tears on Sunday. My Nigerian relatives suffered horribly on Christmas day as Islamic Terrorists attacked and murdered them for trying to do what I take for granted; practice our religion. I know I stand on the shoulders of giants and now I ask that the Holy Martyrs of Nigeria pray for me and for mine as they stand before the throne of God.

Mom and I celebrated with my sister-in-law and the kids. Ryan, home from the Army for two weeks, was an added treat and we had a fabulous evening on December 24th.

On the 25th, after Mass, Mom and I treated ourselves to a breakfast out and then a movie. We went and saw "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansen. Fabulous movie. One of those films you don't want to end. I felt like it was perfect for the day because I always fight a little bit of depression at the holidays - probably because we have to go-go-go and I do not get much of a chance to just sit and be still.

On the 26th I celebrated 56 years of life. I called my brother, John, and sang Happy Birthday to him as he celebrated 50 years of life. It was sad being separated from him but it is what it is right now and I have had to put that entire situation in to the hands of God. I can't fix it, I can't change it...I can only love him with a Love that comes from Truth and hope that he returns to that Truth before it is too late.

Life is good. I bought two pairs of pants in the petite sizes and three tops on my birthday. I am looking great though I feel like a giant piece of sponge today - huge and squishy. I did not sleep well, and so am trying to stay awake at work without becoming grumpy. Not easy.

Tonight will be foo foo night. I will take calls, wash my hair and probably hit the sack early. I only work three days this week. I think I can make it...

Thank you, Jesus, for Your grace and Love....please do not leave us orphans, especially those who pretend they do not need You....they are the neediest of all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!!!

2011-12-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

Today is my late father's birthday.

I visited his grave yesterday. He has been gone for 8 years.

While I have never lied about my father's lack of parenting skills, or his inability to really unselfishly love his family, I do know that he had a tough upbringing with very little love except from his sister, Auntie Glenda (may she rest in peace). He never felt loved by his mother, which is so really sad and probably not really the truth - feelings are not reality, after all - but he adored his Grandfather Shaw and he adored his sister and for some that kind of love would be enough.

It was not enough for him.

Because of the situation in my family today, we have had discussions about Borderline Personality Disorders and Narcissists. Now, none of us (with the exception of Marla and Natalie) are experts. My degrees are in Rhetoric, Dramatic Art, Business Management and Catechetical Studies. I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist. However, it is clear to me that my father was a damaged man whether due to his combat experiences in WWII or because of his hardscrabble childhood or because there is a simple twist in our Shaw or Logan DNA that makes us predisposed to being jerks (especially when we drink) and that his damage affected both me and my brother.

The damage is there and was not self-inflicted; but what I finally realized is it becomes the responsibility of the damaged ADULT to seize the day (so to speak) and start the healing process. We have to take the time to periodically look at our lives and do an honest and real appraisal. What goods are no longer salable? What are our assets? What are our liabilities? And we have to look at how our behavior has affected people - the good and the bad. And, if you are blessed enough to be a Catholic, you must take the damage you have afflicted on others to Jesus and received His Sacrament of Reconcilliation - go to CONFESSION.
I am grateful for Father Hurd's book on Forgiveness and for the 12 step program that taught me how to STOP the insanity of alcoholism in my life.

I am grateful that I was with my father the last five or six years of his life when he was living in Modesto. I am grateful I was there when he returned to Holy Mother Church after being on the outs for 40 something years. And I am grateful that it was me who found his body and was able to do the final honors - making sure he was buried according to the ancient loving rite of Our Faith.

Happy Birthday, Daddy.....Holy Mother, pray for us who flee to thee.....

amen.

Has my prayer been answered?

2011-12-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

I have been praying this prayer for the past five days:

Oh most beautiful flower of Mt. Carmel, fruit wine splenderous of Heaven.
Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin,
Assist me in my necessity.
Oh Star of the Sea, help me and show me herein you are my mother.
Oh Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart to succour me in my necessity.
There is none that can withstand your power. Oh show me here you are my mother.
Oh Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee (3 times).
Thank you for mercy towards me and mine.
Amen.

My intention is as it always is; that those I love who have walked away from The Eucharist and Truth, return and live the remainder of their lives on earth in humble obedience to the Will of God.

And I pray that I may do the same, and that I may accept whatever God's Holy Will is when it comes to those I love.

I know what I know, and what I believe. I have had the experience of seeing the miracle of renewal in my life and in the lives of countless Catholics who have dared to just open themselves up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, there is more to this than what I want at the moment...that maybe, just maybe, God might have a better idea on how to run things than me.

Turning my will and my life over to the care of God sounds so easy on paper, but it requires a total abandonment and trust. St Therese spoke of being like a little child and that is the kind of trust I want to have in my God - the same kind of trust a baby shows through her eyes as adult hands reach for her and lift her from her bed. The look in those eyes that would change to wounded shock if those hands suddenly cause her pain, or drop her. I know that God will never drop me, and I know in my mind that I am safe in His Hands. The trick, so to speak, is letting that knowledge permeate my heart and soul - to open the eyes of my heart so that I can gaze upon the Face of My True Father, My True Spouse, He Who created me and loves me more than I can imagine.

So I publish this prayer, and hope you find answers in the words. I believe that the act of praying it is taking steps down the road towards total trust in Him.

Feast of the Immaculate Conception

2011-12-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

"When discussing the Immaculate Conception, an implicit reference may be found in the angel’s greeting to Mary. The angel Gabriel said, "Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with you" (Luke 1:28). The phrase "full of grace" is a translation of the Greek word kecharitomene. It therefore expresses a characteristic quality of Mary. "
Catholic Answers Tract on the Immaculate Conception (Catholic.com)

I love this feast day. To me this is the day that explains the extraordinary give and take between God and His creatures, the incredibly love the Creator has for all of us. For unlike the myths of old (the ones that ALMOST get it right), God does not force Himself onto Mary in order to get His way. Rather, like the perfect Father He is, God asks His creature if she is willing to give herself totally to Him. Is she willing to trust completely in He who knew her before she was knitted in her mother's womb? Is she willing to say yes to the destiny that allowed her to be saved from the stain of Original Sin, outside of time and space and by the merits of the Sacrifice of God Himself - Jesus Christ, True God and True Man.

The entire salvation of the world depended upon the willingness of a simple, loving, devout Jewish girl - would she trust God to protect her? Would she trust that God would allow her to give birth when she lived in a time and a culture that women for the sin of conceiving a child out of wedlock, even if that woman had been forcibly raped?

We have become almost desensitized to the experience of Mary, daughter of Anne and Joachim. However, as a woman who found herself multiple times in a position of being abandoned by the men she thought loved her, I cannot imagine the leap of faith it took for her to say the words we are all so familiar with: Let it be done unto me, according to thy word.

Granted, Mary had some advantages over me. For one thing, she was sober. During my pagan days I was never sober - I was usually drunk or wasted and so my judgement as to who was a reliable sexual partner and potential father to my children was not very sound. Mary was conceived without the stain of Original Sin - she was 'full of grace', the New Eve and therefore not hampered by the same fallen nature that hampers me. Mary had an angel show up and talk this over with her. The closest I have ever come to actually seeing my angel was when it chose to take the form of a Scottish Terrier named Shaw's Roddy McDuff for five years.

The doctrine of the Immaculate Conception is often a stumbling block for evangelicals and some fringe protestants. Most mainstream protestants, in my experience, come to an understanding of how God would create the living tabernacle to hold His Divine Self without too much resistance once they see the logic in it. However, the problem most others have is because they misunderstand the Catholic view of Mary - they think we worship her and so take away from Jesus Christ. However, that could not be further from the Truth.

Mary spends her existence pointing us to her Son. She is not God, she is the Mother of God. For that reason she is due a great deal of respect and love. In fact, I cannot imagine what it will be like for someone to stand before Jesus and say, "Sure I loved You, but I think your mother was just an incubator".

Purgatory time.

Anyway, today I visit the lawyer for some business and then get to attend Mass. It is a Holy Day of Obligation. I am so grateful to the Church. I have a mother, and I have a Holy Mother.

Could it get any better than this?

What a FUNNY FUNNY WEEKEND

2011-12-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about my Saturday.

I had made plans.

Now, I have been sober long enough to know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with making plans. In fact, one often needs to plan their day in order to get the stuff done that needs to get done. If one is the busy little bee that I am, this is often very important.

SO....(stop laughing) I made my plans.

Saturday was going to be my day to get all the Christmas shopping done. I was going to go to my ladies meeting, go to a memorial service for the father of a sponsee, get my pedicure and manicure (because I have fake knees I sometimes cannot reach my feet so have to have someone else cut my toenails before I ruin stocking and stocking), get my shopping done, go to Confession, go to Mass and then get all my Christmas cards to my sponsees and my sponsor DONE. Sunday was going to be plain old hang out day...watch my Niners play the Rams and just have a do nothing day.

Saturday began exactly as planned. Then, as I was about to leave for the meeting I got a call from a family member who needed some help with something. I figured out I could do this by stopping by the memorial service, giving a hug, signing the book and then going to her house....which would have worked except when I got into my car at the memorial service the light that means "go get your oil changed" popped on....so I went to the family member's home and did what I could (which was mostly listen), stopped and made an appointment for later for the mani/pedi and then headed out to the Honda place to get the hybrid serviced. An hour later I was making a stop to check out the Goodwill store for possible presents (none were available) when the phone rang. No big deal - it was one of us, struggling with five days of sobriety after a relapse. I sat in the car and we talked for about an hour. At which time it was off to get the mani/pedi done...and it was there my day went completely goofy.

I was holding my iPhone, getting into the mani/pedi chair and kerPLUNK....I dropped the phone into the water.

Yes. You read that right. The phone, with all the information, went into the drink.

Now...I was not really worried about the information. I have that iCloud/MobileMe thing and new I could recover everything....however, that was NOT what I wanted to have to deal with instead of going shopping.

I sat in that chair, seriously wondering if I would be justified in a) threw a tantrum and made everyone in the shop right then suffer along with me the pain of dropping a perfectly good smartphone into a bucket of scented water filled with my feet or b) bursting into tears at the unfairness of life because I was not going to have time to go shopping.

Guess what I choose to do?

I sat there with my fingers in acetone and my feet in bubbly water and prayed.

My 12 step program has taught me the importance of giving my life to a power greater than myself. My Catholic Faith has confirmed that importance over the years, for without the power of the Sacraments, the Love of Christ for His Church and the protection of Our Lady I would have imploded long ago under the pressure of trying to be a sober, dignified woman of grace.

Tonight I spoke with a sponsee about the importance of the Traditions in our lives, in particular the use of Tradition 4. It was that Tradition that taught me that I mattered - what I say matters, what I do matters and how I present myself to the world matters. I impact those around me and I can choose today whether that impact will be positive or negative.

So today I chose to be a positive impact on those around me. I know I cannot do it alone and so I chose to rely upon the grace of the loving and powerful God who created me, who knows me better than I know myself, and who died for me so that the gates of heaven could swing open for all eternity. I chose to be a woman of dignity, a woman of grace and a sober drunk rather than a drinking drunk.

Oh and by the way - I upgraded to an iPhone 4. Not the iPhone 4s (too expensive) but at least now I have FaceTime....of course, I don't know anyone else who has face time but I have face time.

And the Niners won their division for the first time in 9 years.

Life is good.

And the weekend? It is almost OVER.

December BEGINS

2011-12-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

I have started my new job (began on November 28) and I cannot express how fabulous it is to be able to sleep at night and be awake when there is sunshine. I can drive in the fog and wind without any problem in order to have the privilege of a normal body clock. As grateful as I am for the ability to work graveyard during the past four years, I am even more grateful for the opportunity I have today. Thank you, Jesus.

I have my own office. I am still waiting to get access to the computer systems I will need in order to actually BE the supervisor but I have plenty to do while I wait. Much of what I learned at the Sheriff Office will help as I go over personnel files, review goals and expectations and prepare for my first unit meeting with my staff on Tuesday morning.

As always I have lots to learn. That is fine. The difference with me between then and now is that I understand that there is nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know, let me find out" and I am confident that no one here will emotionally beat the crap out of me for doing just that - asking questions.

The biggest news is that the family member who has caused so much pain and anguish for the past several months is reaching out (tentatively) and trying to mend fences. We are all, as you can imagine, a little wary but willing to open the door to being a family again. Please keep us in prayer.

I have lost over 25 pounds since the surgery and now have to work in my exercise routine. I am putting aside two nights during the week for work outs but I am hoping that after the first of the year I can join the gym in my area and make that more like three.

Tonight is my cousins' Christmas Party. YIPPPPEEEE!!!!

Have a fabulous day, people. You are loved!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T21:34:00.000-08:00

Despite Jillie being caught without a smile in the picture you can trust me - we had a wonderful dinner and spent a stress free, fun time together! Yes, the Niners lost (darn) but that was the ONLY fly in the ointment of a perfect day.

The food was fabulous!

I got to start the day with Holy Mass.

Life is wonderful.

Thank you, Lord, for my family!!!

Father Hurd Writings on Forgiveness and Abuse

2011-11-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have gotten to that chapter that was meant for me.

Always, when reading advice books, I have looked to that message that speaks specifically to me and the chapter of Father's book Forgiveness, A Catholic Approach, entitled "Don't be a Doormat" should have been subtitled "Leslie, Please Pay Attention".

As a Catholic I have always struggled with the idea of when I should stand up for myself, when I should accept suffering, when I should draw a boundary and when I should tear down a wall. As the daughter of a man who was not a good father, was physically and verbally abusive as well as narcissistic, charming, intelligent, handsome and all the other things that go into making a complicated human being, I have never been able to relate well to men. A daughter's first love is her father and when that father is damaging, she shies away from forming relationships with other males. We don't want to be yelled at, told we are stupid one minute and beautiful the next, pushed to succeed and told we can't do much in the same breath. Since that was what Daddy did, it stands to reason that's what ALL men will do.

Thus our fractured view of the world and our tendency to either pick weak men who disappoint us or strong men who abuse us.

Going through the problems we are going through in our family right now, I was determined to learn how to forgive the perpetrator without losing my humanity and without losing contact with Jesus Christ, True God and True MAN. This is why I picked up Father Hurd's book and why I am reading it first, and then determined to pass it on to all those I know who struggle with these kinds of problems.

Father brings up an excellent point in Chapter 9 of his book. He asserts that Jesus Christ, while suffering horribly, did so at the right time and for the right reasons - namely, to fulfill the will of the Father and to open the gates of heaven to mankind. However, Jesus never suffered unnecessarily - He was often threatened with death by those who rejected His Teachings and He would remove Himself from their hands. As an infant, Father points out, He was taken to Egypt by His foster father, St Joseph, and protected from death. Thus, He would not expect us to suffer unnecessarily and being the victims of another person's sin or mental illness.

I know that the person our family member has chosen to link their life to suffers from a very real mental problem - borderline personality disorder is nothing to sneeze at and encompasses everything from the mood swings, the volatile behavior, the abuse of alcohol and drugs to the "I hate you, don't you dare leave me" behavior the person manifests. I understand that the person we all love has many of the same personality characteristics of my father and that makes it very difficult to deal with them - walking on egg shells all the time is not a happy way to live.

What Father writes in his book is that forgiveness is not a denial of our personal pain over the hateful and hurtful acts of others. Neither is it telling the other person that what they are doing is ok. Rather, he asserts, that being truly loving to someone in our life who behaves this way means putting our foot down and saying, "I love you; however, you must never treat me in that manner again. You must not speak to me that way and you are not allowed to behave badly in my home or around me ever again. If you cannot do that, I understand. I wish you well and you will always be in my heart and my prayers, but you do not get to do abuse me anymore".

Oh that sounds so easy. It has to be done with love, not with hatred and that is why I struggle. I am still angry, I think, that we are being put through such a mess. I must be willing to give that anger to God. If I do not do that, I cannot forgive.

And I think I can do that by remembering the words of Our Lord on the Cross:

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do".

Is God Fair?

2011-11-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

"Strict justice is fair, but forgiveness is not."

A wonderful book I am reading right now, written by Father R. Scott Hurd, deals with the concept of forgiveness from a Catholic perspective.

I chose this book because of the family problems currently being dealt with by all of us. I know that I need to actively forgive that person causing us so much pain and sorrow right now, but I also know that wanting to forgive is only the first step towards actually DOING it and that I needed some guidance and help.

As a Catholic, forgiveness is something I have been schooled in my entire life. I know that all of us had to be saved/forgiven by the merits of Jesus' Sacrifice on the Cross and that the wonderful Sacrament of Reconciliation is designed to help people like me walk towards eternity in heaven. I know that purgatory is a gift from my Creator - a chance to purge myself of all those earthly attachments and clear whatever temporal punishment for my earthly sins - so that I may enter into the Kingdom and love and worship Him forever.

However, as an alcoholic, and a sinful woman, I also know I have a tendency to hold grudges, to want justice, to see those who have hurt me and mine hurt just as well. This is my problem, this is one of my character defects. And so, when handed a situation like the one I am dealing with now, I may KNOW what I have to do but struggle with DOING IT - and so I ask for help.

The good Father raises an interesting point in Chapter 3 of his book: fairness. Don't we all want life to be fair, and rail against the unfairness that seems to surround us? The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Good things seem to happen to bad people while those who love and honor God, who keep their vows and put others first seem to have problem after problem thrown their way. Children die of cancer. Favorite pets die at the wrong moment. We lose jobs and those we love walk away from us. Houses burn down. Bad stuff seems to happen all around us.

There are natural disasters and man-made wars. People who worship God differently that we do think we need to be wiped off the face of the earth as a way to honor that God.

None of it seems fair, does it? And none of it seems to prove that God is loving and merciful, for if He was how could He let these things happen? WHY would He let these things happen? Why does God allow evil into the world?

Let's look at it from a different perspective.

Starting from the premise that God is all-knowing, all-powerful and of infinite mercy and love, we are talking about a standard that is far beyond our understanding. The finite mind of a creature cannot, by definition, comprehend the infinite mind of the Creator. So for us, when we try to comprehend the work and workings of God, we can only judge Him (and His actions, His works) by OUR understanding. And so, we look at the unfairness in the world and we think, "Surely, if God loves us as our Faith teaches, then He is fair. It is to Him we must turn to for the justice, for the fairness, we seek".

And time after time if appears, on the surface, that we are disappointed.

Father Hurd writes:, "Yet God isn't fair. That is because there's a difference between what we might call human fairness, or human justice, and the justice of God".

What is the justice of God?

Father quotes from the Liturgy of the 25th Sunday of Ordinary Time:

The perfection of Justice is found in [God's] love.

God's justice, therefore, is intertwined with God's love and LOVE isn't about getting what we think we deserve, or evening the score or making sure that everyone has exactly the same as everyone else. God's Love is about the giving of oneself entirely to others just as He did for us on the Cross. In fact, true love does not count the cost - true love just, well, LOVES.

God's justice, therefore, is always tempered by God's mercy - because more important than justice is love.

God asks me to love as He loves. Jesus reminds me that I am to strive to be 'perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect' and I have to strive for this even though I know, I will always know, that I will NEVER achieve that perfection without God's love - and probably not until I hear those words, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant. Welcome into the Kingdom. Welcome home".

What I know is this: I have not been given what I deserve. The life I lead when I was drinking was one of mortal sin: promiscuity, drug use, alcohol abuse, thievery, murder. If God had not forgiven me, had not showered me with the grace I need to walk each day sober and with my head held high in dignity, I would have nothing to look forward to but eternity in torment. If He gave me justice, strict justice, instead of forgiveness and mercy, I would not be alive right now.

So I guess the answer to my question, Is God Fair?, is No, He isn't...He forgives those who do not deserve to be forgiven and that is what He expects those who follow Him to do as well.

God is not fair - and I am so grateful!!!!

THANK YOU, VETERANS

2011-11-11T09:17:00.000-08:00

JOHN E. SHAW, US ARMY WWII

12/19/25 - 04/15/2004

HOOO AHHHH!

Thank you, Lord, for all the men and women who have chosen to serve their country in times of war and times of peace. We thank you for their service, for their dedication, for the willingness to put themselves aside for our safety. We know they are not perfect. Often times they are scared, angry and confused by the events they participate in and are unable to let go of the anguish they have witnessed. We know we owe them a lot more than what we should give them: a place to live, good food, good medical care, gainful employment and respect for what they were willing to do for us. Forgive us for not being there for them, for not understanding what they went through and for expecting them to be superhuman. Protect them from the perils of hatred, alcoholism and drug addiction and most of all from walking away from You.

BRING THEM ALL HOME SAFE, O LORD. WE NEED THEM.

Pfc. Ryan E. Shaw

US ARMY

War on Terror

Kandahar Province

Cooler Heads Prevail

2011-11-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

I have been spending the last several hours in prayer.

The idea that stress can finally overwhelm families is not a new one. The extreme example, of course, is the cases of a family annihilator - the man or woman who snaps and kills everyone an then either disappears or kills themselves. The other end of the spectrum are those who refuse to ever acknowledge there is anything wrong at all - they will stand up at dinners and toast their wonderful parents, talk about their fabulous siblings and ignore the fact that one is in jail, the other is passed out drunk in the soup and Mom and Dad spend the entire Thanksgiving picking fights with everyone around them.

I think my family falls comfortably in the middle.

Never have I pretended to be perfect. My Catholic faith would not allow me to do so, for St Paul wrote that all are sinners (even the Virgin Mary had to be 'saved' from Original Sin, outside of time and space, through the merits of her Son, Our Lord and God Jesus Christ - which he did at the moment of her conception). I spent many years mired in the world of alcohol and drugs, promiscuous sex and the pagan lifestyle that allows one to do whatever you want as long as it 'feels right to you'.

I have also spent the last 19 years trying desperately to atone for that time. Sometimes I have succeeded and other times I have not, but I have tried each day to remember that I am sober by the grace and mercy of a loving God and there is nothing particularly special about me - other than I am one of God's kids.

When members of the family (whom I love) go off the deep end, it hurts the group. No man is an island and the behavior of one causes the others to hurt. It is that simple.

I forgive him, of course, but I have a difficult time trusting - I never fully trusted my father and when I discovered, after his death, that he had looked me straight in the eye, thanked me for all my help and support and then outright lied to me about his will and which attorney to go talk to in the case of his death, it devastated me.

As a result of that hurt, I get overly nervous because I know the people my sibling has hooked his life up to and how they have cheated and lied and gone after other people - and BRAGGED about it. They are unkind and they are devious and I was (up until early this morning) frightened of getting hurt again.

But it has dawned on me that it really doesn't matter. If I am kicked out of here or have to sell the house to pay off the 50 grand we owe on it then I do...so what. I will live in a hotel - shoot, some woman spent 10 years in an extended stay hotel because it was cheaper than an apartment and you can have a pet - and I am going to be fine.

So God reassured me this morning that my fear, based on my past experiences with the narcissistic men in my family, are not valid. He has my back. He has taken care of my future. I only have to keep quiet and out of harms way by avoiding the traps of Satan - and I am doing that by just staying quiet in my room until the parish dinner tonight.

Besides, I need the rest.

Thank you, Father Dominic and St Therese - you prayed with me all night and I appreciate the help.

The Stress Finally Hit Both of Us

2011-11-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

Mom exploded on me today. Usually I can take it. I know she has been through a lot and that one of her children is currently taking great joy in hoping she dies soon and is out of his hair. Today, however, I was only able to bite my tongue for an hour and then I exploded right back.

I hate that - I don't like getting angry and I know that, as an alcoholic, even justifiable anger is dangerous. I went for a two hour drive (missing the first half of the Niner game, which means I was really pissed off), bought a pack of cigarets and tried to smoke one (it tasted awful and I had to put it out) and now I am just hiding in my room.

Normally I remember that there are just certain things I can talk to Mom about and I keep the rest to myself. I cannot talk about my fear of being pushed out of this house after her death because she hears "I cannot wait for you to die". I cannot talk about the hard work I do because she hears "I am the only one who works in the whole family poor poor pitiful me".

Maybe it is my tone of voice. I do not know why she hears what she hears - the house thing is because of the person my sibling has chosen to put into his life right now; she is a conniving and manipulative woman and I fear her coming after me in order to get what little we have for herself and her children.

So today I decided that I am going to contact the attorney for the trust and just tell him to take me off of everything. I would rather sleep in my car than worry about that woman and I will never bring it up to my mother again. Besides, I have never lived my life waiting for someone to die so I can inherit something. It is just a house, right? Who gives a flying leap.

Her explosion at me today really hurt. I have tried for the past 19 years to make amends to her for the past and whenever I think I have made some sort of progress this happens and I get accused of some of the sickest crap and meanest stuff - and I am tired.

I know that Jesus was accused of a lot of really awful stuff too and maybe I am starting to get a glimmer of what my real suffering here is supposed to be - the fact that I am a lousy catechist when it comes to my own family, the fact that a woman I admire very much and love with all my heart still sees me as a hopeless and unpredictably alcoholic who cannot be trusted to do anything right - maybe this is my cross. Maybe I am supposed to be one of those people that strangers like and who is rejected by her blood family? I don't know.

Look, I don't want to sound whiny and I hope I don't - I am really just very very very confused about what has happened here today. I woke up feeling sick but ok, just a cold, was having (I thought) a nice conversation with Mom and then suddenly I am waiting for her to die and she is telling me she is sorry she has lived so long and that I don't ever pay attention to the financial news and blah blah blah...what the WHAT????

So, forgive me, Lord. I yelled at my mother and told her to just stop and leave me alone. I cannot take the verbal abuse from her or anyone else anymore. If I could, I would leave tonight.

Maybe I should..just go to a hotel for a day or two and get out of here.....

no...I will just keep the door shut.

St Dominic, lead me down the right path here because I am one confused alcoholic Dominican.

A CATHOLIC GIRL RETURNS TO THE SCENE OF HER CRIMES

2011-11-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

I began my career with the government in a specific agency almost 25 years ago (I am about 7 months shy of 25 years). I started as a beginning level clerk, married, expecting a baby. Two months into my new job I lost both the husband and the baby in a horrific accident and my life nosedived for the next five years.

I got sober in 1992 and returned to Holy Mother Church about two years after that, scared that the roof of Christ the King Church would fall on my head when I walked in the joint.

Today, I am a sober Catholic Out Loud, willing to take a bullet for Holy Mother Church and doing the sobriety thing one day at a time, with the help of a loving sponsor and a great 12 step program designed specifically for people like me.

I have detailed the trials and tribulations of the last four years - the new job as a member of management, the hatred I experienced by E and the weirdness from V and all the strange stuff I had to learn about being a supervisor. I cried, ranted, prayed and begged for help from Christ and those around me and I received it. I found out that it was not all about THEM - that I had a chip on my shoulder caused by fear of failure and that I had a lot to learn. Surprise surprise - I was not perfect.

So.....today.....I am announcing that I am returning to the very first department I ever worked for and I will be able to be closer to home, work day shift and I will have a chance to make amends for all the poor work I did when I was drinking...I did it....I have come full circle.

I firmly believe that God has a plan for me and that I had to learn lessons on being able to care for myself without the love I thought I had to have from my brother and my mother. Today, my brother wants nothing to do with me - and his lifestyle precludes my participation in anything he does. I wish him the best. I love him very much and I hope he is able to correct the mistakes he has made with his mother and his children; however, emotionally I now see myself as an only child and that is just the way it has to be...and as for my mother - well, she turned 90. I love her but must prepare for the day she will enter into her reward in Heaven and I know that when that happens, I will be fine.

I would not have been able to say that five years ago - I think I was still overly dependent upon the love from creatures rather than relying upon the love that does not end, the love of the Creator.

So I am grateful for all the hell I went through - fancied or real, as the Big Book would say - and I am glad I get to be a woman of grace and dignity today.

Just for today.

one day at a time.

I GOT A NEW JOB

2011-11-02T16:34:00.001-07:00

Starting November 28 I will be the supervisor of the Medi-Cal Unit. No more law enforcement. I will write more later. I AM SO HAPPY!!!

TWO WEEKS OUT OF SURGERY - what NOW

2011-10-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

When this journey of discovery and health started for me it was approximately 10 years ago. I was suffering from a vicious bout of IBS, one of several that I had dealt with for about 15 years, and this one was bringing me to my knees. I would leave the house to drive to work, get half way there and soil myself. I would be ready to go out and do some fun things with m friends and soil myself, having to cancel. I would be at the grocery store and suddenly spend a half an hour in the employee bathroom.

It was a time of great embarrassment, a lot of shame and suffering.

I had been diagnosed with RA and my rheumatologist had told me that IBS can be a result of RA. The medicine seemed to help but I knew that being morbidly obese was not helping the situation. I started losing weight, eventually shedding 75 pounds. At 250 lbs, I was still too fat but it was manageable. I was wearing a size 16 instead of a size 24 and feeling much better about myself. I had had both my knees replaced and though I had awful pain at times from the RA, I was in better shape than I had been in years.

Then the IBS came back.

I would lose weight, gain it back, have an awful bout of IBS, lose weight, gain it back...the gas pains I would feel at times were so bad I would simply sit in the bathroom and try to breath through it. Again, that shame I felt was amazing. How do you tell people you can't come to their party because you are afraid you will soil yourself? How do you constantly turn down invitations to go out of town or take a long road trip if you don't know if you will be able to walk?

I would go out of town only when speaking for my 12 step program. It seemed, to me, that God allowed me to do only that which would e of service to Him and my fellows, not much else. I blamed my job schedule and promised dear friends that when I retired I would be able to do things again, when secretly I wondered if I would only be one of those people who went to conferences when she was speaking or to unity days when she was speaking because she might poo all over her shoes if she tried to have a normal, fun, full life.

About a year ago, I decided to look into weight loss surgery. As I looked into it, I saw that there was a treatment for Krohn's Disease and for Chronic IBS that involved a kind of old fashioned weight loss surgery - the gastric sleeve. Instead of just stapling the stomach, the surgeon actually removes the stomach, gets rid of the 'extra part' and sutures the rest. You have your muscles at the top and the bottom, just a much smaller stomach. Rather than a gastric by pass, which just reattaches to a small pouch but bypasses the duodenal muscle at the top of the esophagus, you have the full use of all the digestive system and you can absorb nutrients in a much better way.

When my surgeon to me, what he found (he said) was a HUGE hiatal hernia and a stomach that had been torn up and infected and scarred and otherwise made a mess by a parasite picked up (he said) about 15 years ago.

Which is what I suspected and what the doctors suspected but could never PROVE when this problem first started.

In fact, he said, the treatment I had received for RA probably made things manageable for me all those years, but now (he says) those problems should be SOLVED.

AND I get to lose weight.

The funny part of all this is that I am ready to lose the extra weight but I am more ready to resume my life. The idea that I might be able to actually PLAN to do something on the weekend without having to worry if I will FEEL ok that day is liberation in a classic sense. Talk about being able to lose the preoccupation with SELF.

I received a message from a friend on FB- a faithful Catholic woman who states that she had looked into weight loss surgery but, because of other problems she has, cannot take advantage of any procedure. She also stated that she is trying to exercise and eat right but that, as I know, moving for a large person is very difficult to do.

I do know - it was horrible trying to exercise with everything hurting, trying to find a way to fight through the pain. I would watch the people on The Biggest Loser and try to emulate them and end up on painkillers and in tears.

Since the surgery I am walking a mile a day, every day. I am looking to join the local gym which has a pool. The dog is thrilled because he walks with me. And I am starting to look like MYSELF.

I have a huge way to go, I understand that - I have had to learn how to eat differently and I have had to walk through a lot of discomfort. I believe I had grown as a person and despite all the turmoil currently being inflicted upon the family (alcohol and drugs are such a WONDERFUL THING) by someone I love very much, I feel that I am emerging from still another chrysalis and about to become still another butterfly.

That is the wonder of sobriety and Catholicism. The potential for growth, for moving past that which you think you can be to that which you never even considered becoming is there if you are willing to cooperate with the Grace of God, through His Sacramental Living that is offered to all of us free of charge.

For fun and for free - that's what we say around the tables. For God and for Country, that is what we say around the Parish Hall.

Thank you for my life today, Lord. I would not change a thing, even if I could - amen.

The Cards Win The Series

2011-10-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the St Louis Cardinals!

The pennant stays in the National League...my Giants last year, this year the Cards....who will get to beat the Rangers next year?

Oh that was not very nice....sorry, Rangers.

SO...this past week has been a little tough on everyone emotionally, physically and spiritually. The bravery of my sister-in-law has been something to watch; she seems frail and she seems easily pushed around but when it comes down to the safety of her children she has a backbone of steel. Despite the accusation that I had something to do with her decision to ask the court to change the current custody agreement she has with her ex-husband, my opinion was never requested; rather, she told me what the kids wanted, what their fears and resentments were all about and then she told me what she planned to do. All she asked from me was support and prayers.

She got them both.

I hate the idea of torn up families. I really hate the behavior of bullies. Being the child of a large man who periodically would stand above his children and just SCREAM at them until we were a broken mass, cowering and sobbing on the floor, has left its mark on me and I absolutely do not want that for any of the children in my family. The difference between what I went through and today, however, is that today there are more resources available for the parent trying to protect the children involved. My mother had only herself and God....my sister-in-law has the legal system and two women who regularly hit their knees and beg for the strength to do the right thing, no matter how much it hurts.

Tomorrow I get to go to Confession and to Mass and to a Halloween party. I am getting smaller every day and am already wearing a pair of jeans I bought at the Gap about 12 years ago and have saved all these years hoping I could fit into them one day (yes, I used to shop like that). This morning I put them on...and they are getting loose.

Please keep my family in prayer

Sadness of Torn Families

2011-10-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

Our family is, as many of you know, going through a rough time right now because of another member's problems with anger and addiction. The stench of this problem is stinking up everyone's life. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction is a family disease, however, and unless the person is an orphan and an only child, being an alcoholic and a drug addict means being a tornado tearing through people's lives.

As a Catholic, I see myself as a member of the Body of Christ. St Paul wrote about us in that way - Christ as the Head and the rest of us as members of the Body. If one part of the Body is sick or injured, the entire Body feels the sickness or injury. For this reason, my sin affects all the members of the Body of Christ. I am that important to Christ, that important to His Church.

The same analogy can be used for family life. When I was living a pagan life, drinking and drugging and full of sexual promiscuity and sinful living, my actions caused my mother and brother pain. The pain I caused them was separate from the pain I was causing myself; however, my horrible choices and my disease affected them. One of the greatest gifts I have given my mother is 19 years of continuous sobriety. Not only have I benefited from these 19 years, my mother and the rest of my extended family has benefited from my 19 years of sobriety.

Again, Catholics believe in moderation - it is not the use of alcohol that is evil. And if someone is deliberately getting drunk over and over again that is a sin. But Alcoholism is a disease. The sin is not having the disease. The sin is knowing you have it and refusing to do whatever it takes to stay sober, one day at a time.

So as we enter into the new situation, I find myself on my knees in front of the Crucifix. Jesus knows what it is like to be hated, to be rejected, to be lied to and about by His very own Creatures. He knows how we feel, us shipwreck survivors, watching this person we all love float away from us on a sea of anger and booze. We are saddened and we are frustrated by their behavior. I probably understand it better than anyone, and I am frustrated that with their lack of insight and inability to self-reflect.

Anyway, I am hanging in there. Please pray for all of us. We are in pain and we need your prayers.

It has been five days

2011-10-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

My gastric sleeve surgery was done on Monday, the 17th. Today is the fifth day since that surgery. It has been a tough go, but I am healing and I can feel that I am getting better. What is difficult about today, however, is that all the week's medicine, all the week's changes and all the stress of the week has hit me like a giant wrecking ball. I am too emotional, feel all alone and think most people are dumb (including myself).

So I did what I have been taught to do when I feel like this: I picked up the telephone and called three people in my 12 Step program. Two are part of my sponsorship family, i.e. we share the same sponsor. One USED to be in my sponsorship family but now has a different sponsor. All are loving, sweet women who have been sober longer than I have been and have really strong and centered sobriety.

None of them were available.

That happens sometimes, despite our vow to always be there for each other. Circumstances can be such that when you know you really REALLY need to talk to another alcoholic you cannot find one.

What I have been taught regarding this is to look at the situation as God gently reminding me to really, truly rely solely upon Him. If, for instance, I was the type that would drink if I cannot get ahold of someone then the obvious answer would be to keep calling people until you find someone you can talk to even if it means calling the local sobriety hotline. HOWEVER, eventually you have to be able to say, "Ok, no HUMAN is available. I guess I had better turn to God and ask for HIS comfort and help and strength and advice".

In the book Alcoholics Anonymous (referred to by members as The Big Book), there is the A B C(s) of the program.

A) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives
B) That probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism
C) That God could, and would, if he were sought

The acceptance of these 'facts' about ourselves is essential to our recovery. I have to be able to say, without any sought, that my grabbing control of my own life and pushing aside the guidance of God and those creatures He has made available to me for help is a remedy for disaster. If I think I am the only one who can do this deal, that what I want is all that is important, then I am in trouble.

I also have to be willing to admit, as painful as it may be to do so, that the behavior or disposition of another human being towards me cannot be the foundation of my sobriety. I cannot think, ever, that I will stay sober if someone else behaves a certain way. I cannot think, ever, that I will drink if such and such a thing happens. If my sober life is dependent upon someone else's existence and/or behavior, then I am on a collision course with sorrow. I will not stay sober, simply because humans are unreliable.

Even the most stable of us cannot live up to perfection. We might strive to do so with all our hearts but there are going to be times we blow it. Whether it is being late for work or forgetting to pay a bill or not saying the right thing at the right time or saying the wrong thing out loud for all to hear, human beings will eventually screw something up and let someone down.

That is why, when I placed my third call and got a voice mail, I thought to myself, "Man, no one is ever here when I need something...." and had to make a conscious effort to remember that it is not their JOB to be here for me when I need them. It is MY job to reach out for help. And when there are no humans available, then my job is to take it to the next level and get on my knees.

And pray for help.

I am feeling funky because I am five days out of major surgery and a reaction to anesthetic can be depression.

I am feeling funky because I am so worried about my sister-in-law and the children.

I am feeling funky because I am so heartbroken over the behavior of my brother and his blindness towards the destruction he is causing.

I am feeling funky because I don't get to go to Mass tonight - Father Larry told me not to come until I have been at least a WEEK out of surgery so I am going to go tomorrow to the youth Mass at 5:30pm which is not one of my favorites because, well, I am not a youth anymore. No big deal...there is a reason we try to have a Mass that reaches out to and involves the teens. My parish is so wonderfully orthodox that those kids get nothing but solid Catholic teaching and liturgy without them even knowing it. Just kidding...they know it. That's why they come. It is one of the most heavily attended Masses on Sunday because kids in this area are hungry for solid teaching - no Christian flavored kind of cool lots of drums and guitars and yelling; rather, it is a beautiful Mass that the TEENS participate in by being servers and Eucharistic Ministers and ushers and choir members and readers. You should see them. They are just so darn cute.

But I am old now and I like the Saturday night Vigil Mass and the Youth Mass is just too loud for me and, and and and...blah blah blah blah.....SHAPE UP Leslie!

I am feeling funky because I do not have the energy to sit through the entire speaker meeting at NS tonight. A friend of mine from Dixon is down here speaking. I am going to go join her for dinner and then I am going to come home. Again...it is not what I WANT TO DO, so I am feeling sad and funky.

So I have two reasons for feeling low and depressed that are probably legitimate (my brother and anesthetic wearing off) and two reasons that are really all about me not getting my way.

See? Prayer works. Getting on my knees and asking God for guidance and insight as to why I feel so dang bad today allowed me to relax, to think, to ponder and to realize I am going to be ok. No problem. Life is good and I am fine.

Which is why this program works......and why I am happy today even when feeling a little funky and depressed.

Mommar Khaddafy - Dead in Lybia

2011-10-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

After 42 years of organized terror from an oil rich land, Mommar Khaddafy is dead.

As a Catholic, I do not rejoice at the death of any man. However, as a citizen of the world who has watched in horror as this man held the rest of us hostage and reeked havoc and death on any he deemed unworthy of life, I cannot help but smile. I would love to know how his first face to face meeting with Our Lord went and how he explained himself.

Meanwhile -

Most of you will recognize the story of my friend, Patty Patrick (Abba's Little Girl at blogspot). Patty, the daughter of a Calvinist Baptist Minister and the older sister of a prominent Evangelical, Anti-Catholic Bigot (that is my description, not something he would call himself), has written extensively of the sexual abuse she endured at the hands of her father and the ultimate rejection she experienced when she told. Patty has been stalked online by her brother, referred to as mentally ill, called a liar, threatened with lawsuits and ultimately kept from her dying mother's bedside.

Patty has walked through this heartbreak with grace, dignity and her head held high. Along the way, she has shared her experience, strength and hope in a series of writings she entitled The Out of Darkness series (you can find this at her blog site). I hope she gets to publish it as a book some day as her candid examination of a life spent locked in misery, sin and abuse until she found the fullness and beauty of The Catholic Church can do nothing but help others. Patty could have gone over the edge and down the rabbit hole. Instead, she chose to stand up and fight - for her dignity, for her true sexuality and for her true self as a daughter of The Lord of Hosts.

Patty is now entering a new phase of healing. Without going into details, I can tell you that this next phase is going to be the toughest on her. It will require the ultimate test of Trust in God. It will be painful and it will be gut-wrenching and, if she continues through it (of which I have no doubt she will), the most rewarding.

This is what I realized this morning; no matter what I have ever gone
through, God has provided me with wonderful, stable people who are
walking the same path as me. Usually, however, they are about
a mile or two ahead of me, clearing the way and leaving very clear footprints for me to follow. Whether the problem be financial, physical,
spiritual or mental I have always been blessed with amazing examples of
how to walk through difficult times with grace, dignity and my head
held high.

Today, three days out of surgery and waiting desperately for my body to start working in a more efficient manner, I am blessed to know i have people in my life who have done this 'before' - and all I have to do is ask for guidance.

My 12 Step Program provides people who have walked before me. My Church provides people who have walked before me. I am surrounded by a wealth of experience, strength and hope in my life that is perfectly amazing.

As I pray my Rosary today, I know I am a woman who has not been kicked to the curb by life. I am, instead, a woman rich in family, in love and in life itself. And while my ragtag family may not look like a Norman Rockwell creation, we are an interesting group of gypsies, tramps, thieves, princes and queens...we are God's kids.

How blessed am I?

About Today - Wednesday of Week 29

2011-10-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate two feast days; St Paul of the Cross or Saints John de Brebeuf, Isaac Jogues and Companions. As a child, this was always the Feast of the North American Martyrs so I would like to share a bit about them. You can always go to New Advent (newadvent.org) and find out more, as these men were fascinating and brave, gentle and strong, and suffered horribly for Truth.

Between 1642 and 1649 eight Jesuits were killed by the native Huron and Iroquois Nations of North America. They were horrible tortured, disfigured to the point that one (St Isaac, I believe) had to get special permission to continue to say Mass because his hands were mangled and he could not hold the Body of Jesus in the normal manner.

They were tough old birds, but dedicated to those members of the indigenous nations who had embraced The Truth of the Catholic Faith. Despite continuing dangers, they insisted on going back to the Americas. St. Isaac died on Oct 18, 1647 and St John de Brebeuf died on March 16, 1648.

I believe it is important to learn about the lives of the early martyrs and saints of our Faith. It is possible to draw comfort from knowing they went through such hardships in order to protect the Truth - when times are hitting us hard, and we feel alone and abandoned by family and friends, it helps to know we stand on the shoulders of these giants.

It is also wonderful to remember that they are as ALIVE as they have ever been - more so, really, as now they stand in the constant loving and glorified presence of God Himself! Their love for Him and for the Body of Christ pours out onto us and we need to turn to them in times of trouble.

My patron (or Confirmation saint) is St Cecilia. The last time in Rome I got to go to her church and see her body in repose under the altar after all these centuries. To know that she takes a special interest in her spiritual daughters is both comforting and inspiring. I cannot falter in my love for Jesus and His Church when I have a big sister like her backing me up.

Please pray for my spiritual sister, Patty Patrick (abbaslittlegirl@blogspot.com). She is about to embark on an amazing spiritual journey of forgiveness and separation from a family of origin that has just let her down. She is doing it from a Catholic perspective and I am in awe of her courage and strength.

Please pray for my family. We are going through a tough time right now and need prayers of healing. I know we will weather the storm, but again I am amazed at the strength I see in the women around me. The grace God pours out on his daughters is abundant and obvious.

Thank you.....thank you Lord.....and now - it is time for my 2 ounces of protein drink.

Surgery went well

2011-10-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

OK - the surgery went well. I am home, a little sore and woozy, but home.

Now the healing begins and the new life begins.

I just want to look towards a life of normalcy in terms of health. It will be hard work, but I can do it!

The toughest part has been the gas pains......but I am ok. Drinking my Crystal Lite and water....and I have had met 8 ounces of protein drink today.

OK....we are on this journey. Lord, I offer myself to You and ask You to hold me close while I change my unhealthy lifestyle into a healthy one.

I promise to post pictures...but not tonight.

The Religion Debate in Politics

2011-10-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

I grit my teeth whenever the debate begins over Mitt Romney and the LDS church. I grit those teeth because I have studied the beliefs of our LDS citizens and, like anyone who knows anything about Christianity, recognize that LDS is not a Christian sect.

I understand they believe they are Christians. I also understand how, in today's culture of relativism, this would be considered enough of a reason for the rest of us to believe they are Christians. However, anyone who accepts their word for it has an odd idea of what constitutes Christianity. They also have an odd idea of what constitutes valid grounds for any kind of argument of assertion - my believing that something is something does not make it anything at all, really - I can believe my watch is a pepperoni pizza but I am going to be sorely disappointed once I take a bite.

The beliefs of the LDS church are a weird mixture of Catholicism, Protestantism, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, and paganism - with a dash of early Scientology and outright goofiness thrown in just to make it cool. There is an acknowledgment that the Church is a visible body with a hierarchy. There is an assertion that Rome is too corrupt to be the True Church. Their is a belief in a bunch of gods, that Joseph Smith is the new and true prophet, that men can work really, really hard and become gods themselves (with their own planet, no less) and an underlying love of Blood Atonement that some of the wilder sects of the LDS still practice.

There is also an embracing of a philosophy that, simply stated, translates into the ends always justifies the means - if it is for the glory of the Lord, then go for it - and that is the part that bothers me the most. It is this philosophy that encourages their church leaders to lie, cheat and steal for the glory of God and the advancement of the LDS church and if people who hate the Roman Catholic Church think WE are the hotbed of conspiracies they need to look into the short but colorful history of the LDS.

It is this practice of lying and changing their minds and doctrine to suit their political ambitions that makes me think the LDS will, eventually, embrace the idea of gay marriage and abortion - if doing so means it will get one of their members into the White House. This makes the LDS fundamentally different from the Catholic Church. Oh, a Catholic may get themselves elected by defending a woman's 'right to choose' (to kill their baby) or stating that religion should play no part in whether or not same-sex couples marry - but the Catholic that does that is a Catholic in opposition to Church Teaching, and you will be able to take that to the bank.

What we Catholics believe has not changed for 2000 years. It has developed and it has deepened and our understanding of it has grown stronger but it has not changed. It is easy to spot a 'bad' Catholic - it is not so easy to spot a bad member of a group that okays lying in order to get ahead in the secular world.

The question then becomes, does this debate belong in American politics? Do I reject Mitt Romney as a viable candidate for President because he belongs to an interesting, unique American cult? Do I reject Rick Perry because, in my opinion, he is a heretic? Does that make me as icky as those who refused to vote for Harry Smith because he was a Catholic?

I believe that a person's belief system is important to know, but it has to be evaluated within the content of the whole person. There could be a very good Catholic running for office who is not suited for the position, and an atheist who respects the scientific biology of life beginning at the moment of conception or a Baptist who thinks it is OK for 13 year old girls to have access to artificial birth control without their parents' consent....making religion the sole reason for voting for a man or woman running for office can be dangerous.

So I withhold my judgement at this time - but I do not know who I am going to support as yet though I have given Rick some money because I like him the best so far. What I am going to do is pray and fast, meditate and ask for guidance.

And I am not going to accept Mitt's word for it that he is a Christian.

I know Christians - he ain't one.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

2011-10-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Here is my beautiful mother, Laura Juliette Crocco Shaw. Mama turned 90 on Sunday, October 9, 2011. My mother is, beyond any doubt, the most courageous woman I have ever known. She was a single mom before it was fashionable, raised her children in the Faith and has never EVER deserted us even when we deserved to be left at the side of the road in some sort of body bag.

My mother is smart and funny and supportive and a nagger of all she loves. No one she loves can escape her prayers....and all of us, if we make it into heaven, will have her to thank....

I am so grateful to be her daughter. Thank you, Mama.

My purpose in life is to be the type of woman she has been - a faithful Catholic, a prayer warrior, a loving Aunt and spiritual mother to 'my daughters and sons' in sobriety, a good Aunt and a loving family member - even when some family members may hate my guts.

She never left me....and I will never leave those I love. To do so would sully her memory and let her down.

I pray for the strength to be the woman she is....please keep me in prayer as well.

The Day Approaches

2011-10-05T03:58:00.000-07:00

October 9 will be my mother's 90th birthday. We are giving her an old-fashioned family party, the kind only a group of loud and crazy Italian Americans can throw for the family Matriarch.

My mother, Laura, raised my brother and I essentially by herself. My father walked out on the family shortly before my brother was born in 1961 and Mom rose to the occasion in much the same way as HER mother rose to the occasion when she found herself a young widow with two little children in 1918. Mom brought her son home from the hospital, hugged her six year old daughter, shed some tears, grabbed her Rosary and went to work.

I am very impressed, still, by the manner in which she handled the divorce. She chose not to shun my father and he was given total access to the family. Many of my friends at good old Christ the King School did not even know my parents were divorced. She treated him with kindness and compassion when he deserved none and, certainly by the standards of today, Mom was odd in her attitude towards my father.

However, as she probably expected, her children never wondered what their father was 'really' like - there were no illusions in our home as to who was the good and trustworthy parent.

My mother also made sure both her children were properly educated in their Catholic Faith and today one of those children is a faithful Catholic and the other one is determined to live a life based totally on what feels good at the moment. That means Mom is batting .500 which would get her into the Hall of Fame if we were talking baseball.....and the verdict is not in yet on the wandering Prodigal Child until that child stands before Jesus.

After all, the father that walked out on us oh those many years ago ended up coming back to The Church ten days before he died - going to confession and recieving the Eucharist PROPERLY for the first time in 50 years. To this day I am convinced the reason my Dad died shortly after coming Home to Rome is because God knows His children, and He knew there was no way my father would be able to sustain the disciplined life necessary to be a practicing Catholic. The first time the priest said something he did not like he would have been out of there....so it was in his best interest that he go back to his Maker so soon after his reconversion.

I love my mother. Sometimes she drives me crazy because she is stubborn and opinionated and usually right - about everything - but I am in awe of her strength and her moral courage. Mom is a woman of grace and dignity.

Someday I hope to be just like her.

Happy Feast Day, Little Flower!

2011-10-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

St. Therese, beloved friend, you promised to spend your heaven doing good upon earth. We come before you in our need. We believe that you listen to us and approach God for and with us. You are love in the heart of the Church. You are love in the heart of God. Please accept these petitions, hopes, needs, and dreams I list below. Please present them to our Loving Father so that God may do what is best for us, for our loved ones, and for the fulfillment of God's Kingdom. Continue your shower of roses in our lives. We ask you, dear friend, with the bold confidence and loving surrender you taught us. We make this prayerful petition in the name of Jesus and through the power of His Spirit.

****************************************************************************

St Therese of Liseux, the child of holy parents and a cloistered Carmelite, has had an effect upon the world that is seldom seen. She transcends religion, while being a Doctor of The Catholic Church. She is prayed with and to by countless people yet an email that still circulates on the Internet confuses her with Blessed Teresa of Calcutta.

She has been my prayer companion for many years. When I first returned to the Church, I remembered a statue of St Therese that has stood at my old parish for at least a half a century - I never remember Christ the King Church in Pleasant Hill without that statue and I will be 56 years old in December. The memory of that serene face, that beautiful work of art, caused me to seek her out in a fashion I had not done before - I read her book, I found her website, I prayed with her and most of all I asked her for roses.

Within a week of beginning to pray with St Therese, I got an email from an old friend I had not heard from in maybe five or six years. Attached to her email was a beautiful picture of a large, red rose, sparkling as though in sunlight. I remember thinking to myself, "She is listening to me, and she uses the Internet".

Though I am pursuing the life of a Lay Dominican, St Therese continues to be a special companion of mine. I am grateful for her prayers and today, on this her feast day, I ask:

St Therese, my beloved friend, please intercede for my broken family. We need your help, Little Flower, for so many of us have strayed from the religion of our youth and scorned that which we know is Truth for what is convenient and loved by the world. I beg of you, St Therese, send roses of love down upon my family so that the fires of their Holy Baptisms will be rekindled and they will return to Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

So here we go

2011-09-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

I went in for my chest X-Ray on Friday last and guess what? I have pneumonia.

It will be cleared up by the time I have my surgery but I still have to take those huge antibiotics and be careful, rest when I can and not try to be Super Woman.

Yesterday I went to Marla's house and we hammered out details for Mom's Birthday party. Today I went to BevMo and bought the wine and champagne. It was pretty funny to watch someone with 19 years of sobriety purchase wine and champagne for 30 people. Thank heavens for a helpful man who works there. Because they are having this great sale, I was able to get GOOD stuff - buy one and get a second one for 5 cents. I got a case of chardonnay, four bottles of good champagne for under 100 bucks.

Then we went to Target and I found some stuff to use for Jillian's Halloween costume. I am helping Pam put together a costume for her, she wants to be Cynder the Dragon. We are going to put her in a black leotard and tights, black turtle neck sweater, a tail, dragon wings and I found a mask with horns. I will spray paint the hair on the mask purple and we will put red felt on her tummy area and I will tell you I am NOT a crafty woman. The fact that I am even doing this is amazing.

But you know what? I am a Catholic woman who believes that if someone, like my niece, asks my help I do the best I can with the talents God has bestowed upon me. I have great artistic vision. My Mom and Pam are GREAT at putting a vision into practical application. Between the three of us we will build her a great costume.

Tonight is RCIA but I am not sure I can be there or not. I feel fine, right now, but I notice I tire easily and that very well could be the mild pneumonia I have, who knows? I see Dr Montfort tomorrow and then I have a class in how to use ichat and FaceTime on my MacBook Pro. I don't want to miss RCIA but go to that stuff.

I have a few more doctor appointments this week. I go back to work on Thursday night and Friday night, and then I have two days off. My surgery is in 19 days.....

I am excited. I want to get this done and reclaim my life. I am tired of being that nice woman with the great personality. I want to be the nice woman with the great personality and the ability to go for a long walk, go up and down stairs, maybe even wear high heels again.

I want to be the best Leslie I can be and I have taken myself as far as I can without medical help.

Please keep me in prayer....I will pray for you as well.

News is News is News

2011-09-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

https://plus.google.com/i/fxpKUFH63vY:3DG-soIwo4Y

So I am tentatively starting out on google+. Patty Bonds (Abba's Little Girl) sent me the invite and I have opened the account.

Facebook is fine and I like being able to connect with Ryan in Germany but it is starting to feel like a place for the younger crowd - not us over forty types. So we will see. If FB starts charging I will have to deactivate the account because I do not believe in paying for that stuff.

My surgery date is Oct 17. However, right now I have a slight case pneumonia so I am on antibiotics until that can get cleared up. I was surprised. It was caught when I went in for my chest X-ray as part of the pre-op stuff. I am grateful the surgeon (Dr Van Bagoosian) is so thorough in his preparation.

I will be getting the Sleeve, not Gastric By Pass, because I feel it is a better fit for me. I want to keep the duodenal and sphincter muscles working as part of digestive. I look forward to being a smaller version of me.

Most people believe I am doing this out of vanity. Yes, I would like to look better; however, I am so tired of all the physical pain and not being able to do the exercise regime necessary for better help. I cannot control what people think but I am trying to be open an honest about this journey.

The past month I have been counting the carbs as a way to lose the weight needed to lose for the surgery. I have, since this started a year ago, taken off 20 pounds which is what they wanted me to lose. I have been hampered by the schedule I have, the joint problems from the RA and because I am the type of woman who does not lose weight quickly - never have been, never will be one of those 'don't eat bread for a week, lose five pounds' type of women.

I see myself a a Child of God I believe I must do what I need to do in order to be able to function properly; having inflamed joints, IBS and constant fatigue from the RA is interfering too much with my life. Thank God for the idea of Redemptive Suffering, but I do not see how taking advantage of this medical procedure is bad or not Catholic. I have gotten some interesting theological perspectives on weight loss surgery and while I appreciate the ideas being shared I do not concur.

Oftentimes I feel caught between the warring camps of the Catholic Church - the uber Catholics vs the Barely Catholics. I believe all that Holy Mother Church teaches and proclaims. I do not always agree with the way individuals interpret those teachings. When in doubt I go to the Catechism.

Anyway, I will be going to Marla's house at noon and I will give her money for Mom's party. Then I will come home and collapse for awhile. I am off work until Thursday night.

Fellowship of the Unashamed

2011-09-20T02:18:00.000-07:00

Catholic writer and apologist Patrick Madrid adapted and shared this on his website PatrickMadrid.com. I am sharing it with all of you, because I am coming to the realization that my reaction to stress and abuse is a form of cowardice. I hide and throw up my arms to avoid the blows that have come my way since I was a child. I am no longer a child. It is time to stand up and say, "Your abuse and bullying of me is wrong...but if you continue to do it, you need to know that you will not achieve your goals".

You want to know why?

I AM A PART of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is in God’s hands. I am finished and done with low living, small planning, the bare minimum, smooth knees, mundane talking, frivolous living, selfish giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, applause, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, the best, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith. I lean on Christ’s presence. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with the power of God’s grace.

My face is set. My gait is fast, my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, and my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and spoken up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I am a Catholic. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, speak out until all know, and work until He stops me. And when He returns for His own, He will have no difficulty recognizing me. My banner is clear: I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

Adapted from the original (author unknown) by Patrick Madrid

God helps those who help themselves, right?

2011-09-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

I met my goal weight today.

I had to lose 3.9 pounds. I lost 3.4 and they are going to let me have a surgery date. It is October 17, 2011.

This journey of weight loss has been one that has contributed a great deal to my spiritual growth. Because I have had to look at how I treat my body, I had to look at what Holy Mother Church teaches about just that subject. What I learned is that I am a temple of the Holy Spirit and I absolutely owe it to myself to live a healthy lifestyle.

I began doing this when I was 350 pounds and over the past several years was able to take 122 pounds off through diet and exercise. Then I hit a wall that was just incredibly frustrating. I would lose another twenty, stop a strict diet, eat normally and gain it all back . I went up and down and up and down. I was just so discouraged.

I resisted the idea of gastric by pass surgery because I thought I would not be able to live the lifestyle necessary after that surgery in order to maintain the weight loss. THEN, I found out that there is another kind of weight loss surgery called The Sleeve. You keep the muscles and digestive system intact but your stomach is made smaller. You get to lose but it is slower and there is less chance of losing your hair or getting malnourished. SO...that is the one I am going to get.

The process I have had to go through has been complicated. I have had to go through therapy and I have to tell you that therapist has helped me deal with the verbal abuse from my brother. Like I said, I still don't handle it well - I am batting .500 right now, having handled one confrontation really well and not doing so well on the other one - but it is amazing that during this latest meltdown I have not had to run out and eat my weight in chocolate or potato chips.

My prayer life has deepened because I have learned to rely even more on God as time goes on. I have learned to appreciate my family. My mother, especially, has been so incredibly supportive during this dieting stuff not to mention she is doing it while watching her only son act like a doofus.

I have become FB friends with Ryan's girlfriend and she sounds like a woman of grace and dignity. This does not surprise me. His Mama, Pam, is a woman of grace and dignity.

Listen, I know that there have been times I thought Pam should do things differently but I have to admit right now before God and on the internet that she has made her entire life about her children and making sure they are properly launched into the world. She does not drink or do drugs and her smoking is getting less and less and she is taking care of her physical health as well. I am so proud of her. I am proud to know her and proud to say, "She is my sister in law".

My wonderful friends - Lee Anne, Patty, Claire - have been amazing in their support of my goal. Denise, my Southern Sister in Sobriety is saving clothes for me and Marla? What can I possibly say about Marla? She has encouraged me over and over and over....

I have good friends, a fabulous family and people in my life that love me when they don't have to - and I believe this is because God has His arms around me as I walk this path. I believe I am trying to make it about giving Him glory by becoming a healthier Leslie.

I get to go to RCIA tonight. I then get to go to work. I am so happy.

Today I have a date with a handsome man!

2011-09-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

Today I get to do something very special. I have a date. A date with a handsome, young man.

Today I get to take my almost-16-year-old nephew to see Dr. Bill Cosby (American Treasure and Comedian Extraordinaire) at the Gallo Center for the Arts.

When I first saw that Dr. Cosby was going to be performing in Modesto I thought it would be fun to go see him. When I mentioned it to Stephen and he said HE would like to see him, I figured it was a perfect birthday gift for the boy who has enough video games to sink a battle ship.

And it meant I would get to go do something with him that does not involve an action movie about blowing up aliens or driving cars 4oo miles an hour across a city bridge.

Look, I love doing anything with the kids. I find them fascinating, loving, interesting and plain ol' fun. Now that they are older and can almost dress themselves (an occasional suggestion and trip to Kohls is still necessary when going to some place special), it is a real blast to do something with them.

For Jillian's birthday we went to the Rock Show...you read that right, it was a Rock Show and it was fascinating. We heard a lecture about dinosaurs and went on a scavenger hunt and spent several hours looking at fossils. I loved it.

I feel sorry for parents who drop kids off at the Mall every weekend. They are missing out on so much. To be able to spend an hour listening to one of the greatest entertainers in the history of show business will create memories for us that will keep us warm when times get tough.

I thank God for this boy. Today I get to show God how grateful I am for his existence but spending time with him and having some fun.

Now....how fabulous is that?

Original Sin and the Mystery of Iniquity

2011-09-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

I love teaching in RCIA and I especially love teaching in the Inquiry classes. These are the people who are just beginning their journey Home to Truth. They are not real sure yet. They have preconceived ideas and they come from different faith backgrounds. Their minds are eager and their hearts are restless until they rest in Love.

Last night I spoke on Original Sin, the doctrine that went basically unchallenged in the Catholic world until the rise of Pelagianism in the late fourth century. This heresy basically denied that our first parents had been endowed with the supernatural life of grace lost when they chose to believe the great lie that they, too, can be 'like gods'.

The Church condemned this heresy and when protestant 'reformers' brought it back it was condemned again by the Council of Trent, which issued its definitive Decree on Original Sin (1546).

OK - so we know that it is only The Church that holds to the teachings of the Apostles in their entirety and what is amazing is that I got to participate in the Life of the Church by handing on this teaching. There I was, doing my part to combat the heresy that first infected the human race in the fourth century on a Monday night, in Modesto, in September of 2011.

Our first parents believed the lie because of pride, self-love and (worst of all) lack of trust in God. It is a problem we share to this day. How many times do we fall again and again in the same way....I love you, Lord, but are You SURE this is YOUR Will? I mean, what if I have a BETTER idea?

Concupiscence, the gift that keeps on giving.

So, today I go forth into the world determined to live the Faith and Truth to the best of my ability. I will go to work, offer all the inconvenience and sufferings of being in the world for the conversion of my brother, and offer a prayer for his ex-girlfriend who is going to participate in a 50 mile bike ride to raise money for cancer research.

I always knew she was nuts........

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

2011-09-10T02:59:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if the memories I have of the attacks on my country are my own.

Let me explain.

I can remember where I was that morning - I was in bed. I had the type of alarm that turned on my television and I sat bolt upright and stared into the horror unfolding live, in my bedroom, on the OTHER coast.

I screamed for my mother, and grabbed for the telephone. I called my father. He was watching it too. My mother came into my room and stood there staring, transfixed by the sight. As we watched, the second plane crashed into the towers.

I had to go to work. As I got ready I kept brushing back tears and answering phone calls from friends. I know I know...it is horrible...what is happening....the Pentagon? Did you say the PENTAGON??? Oh my GOD, what is happening?

In Modesto (and in the rest of the country) the previous weeks had been filled with news about the missing Chandra Levy and her Congressman boyfriend. My cousins were very good friends of the Levy family and deeply involved in the search and the media circus surrounding her disappearance. Suddenly the question was, "Chandra who?" as the deaths of close to 3000 people in the blink of an eye grabbed our attention and shook our minds until our souls rattled.

I drove to work, the radio tuned to an all-news channel out of the San Francisco Bay Area, and by the time I arrived in Antioch (I worked for the DUI school) we had learned about the other plane..the one that inexplicably went down in Pennsylvania. No one knew why it had crashed but they knew it had been hijacked. I called my mom and said, "I bet they fought back".

Later, I discovered my hunch was right....and that a CAL Rugby player had been one of the people who had tried to end the nightmare, who showed the terrorists that they may have done this once but they were never going to have an easy time trying to do this again.....because this plane was not going to crash where THEY wanted it to crash...because they had run up against our most formidable weapon: The Average American.

Throughout the day and following weeks I learned more and more about what had happened. I learned about the heroics of the firefighters and police, the horrible sinking feeling from the medical personnel ready at local hospitals as they waited for wounded who never came and the duty of the simple Franciscan Friar who became the first casualty for the NYFD - Father Mychal Judge, priest, Catholic, recovered alcoholic and chaste gay man...died while trying to tend to a fallen comrade.....died doing what a good priest is supposed to do: tend his flock.

My opinion about the war we have fought for the past ten years has changed and grown and morphed as the years have gone by, shaped I am sure by the ongoing sacrifice my family has made to this war effort. I have had two cousins and one nephew serve in the Marines and the US Army. I have had the privilige of supporting the sons and daughters of childhood friends who have fought and died in this war. I have seen the abuses by the bad apples, watched men and women come back with memories that will never fade and I have seen young men barely old enough to vote commit acts of unbelievable heroism for the sake of their comrades in arms.

I hate war. I hate that we have had to be at war. I don't like having to live in a world where I cannot go and greet my football team at the airport or walk into a large government building without being scanned and x-rayed and wanded....

I hate war.

But I hate something else more: I hate a philosophy that promotes the killing of unsuspecting citizens as a viable method for achieving an agenda that calls for the eradication of someone like me.

I hate that calling out that philosophy for what it is, brutal, demeaning, heretical and outright NUTS, is considered bigotry or is called offensive.

I am tired of having to walk on egg shells because not ALL members of Islam are terrorists (no kidding, kenneth). I am tired of being told that my outrage over the bombing of Catholic Churches and the murder of priests and nuns by Islamist Facist reveals my deep seated bigotry towards something (and someone) I do not understand.

The war should end tomorrow. Our soldiers should come home. Our government should concentrate on rebuilding this nation and developing a real relationship with those who secretly delight that the Great Satan was dealt such a powerful body blow.

And those who wish me dead because I am an American Catholic Woman should be told, to their face, that their wish is not going to be granted without a fight.

Thank you to all who have served in our military these past ten years. Thank you for allowing me to sleep at night (or during the day since I am now a graveyard shift worker). Thank you for your protection.

Where were you when the world stopped turning, that September day?

Forgiveness

2011-09-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

1933 This same duty extends to those who think or act differently from us. The teaching of Christ goes so far as to require the forgiveness of offenses. He extends the commandment of love, which is that of the New Law, to all enemies. Liberation in the spirit of the Gospel is incompatible with hatred of one's enemy as a person, but not with hatred of the evil that he does as an enemy.

***************************************************************************

My brother, my only brother, holds a hatred towards me that is unbelievable. He is convinced I have always tried to interfere with the raising of his children (stop telling people you raised me kids!), he is convinced I always overstep proper boundaries, wants to try and keep them away from me and is just vicious in his disgust and meanness.

He is breaking my heart.

My part in this? I stood up for myself incorrectly, throwing down a gauntlet by telling him he was not allowed to speak to me in a nasty way and telling him I had not done anything wrong and would not discuss it. What I should have done is let him talk and then said, "I don't see it that way, John. I am sorry you are angry".

He is angry because I took a quick video of his two youngest children saying, "Happy Birthday, Grandma" and sent it to my cousin to be included on a DVD she is making for our mother's 90th birthday. The video clips needed to be to her by the first week of September. He was no longer speaking to me because his girlfriend had gotten angry at me on July 4th. He wants to make his own video. When I said to go ahead and do that because it is no big deal, he would not talk about it. He demanded to know why I had taken the videos and who did I think I was and how dare I and I need to see a psychiatrist and adopt my own kids...and then he told me he was going to never allow me to be around his children again...that I have to 'tow the line'. It was just amazing. He had me on speaker phone and later lied to his ex-wife, saying I had been yelling at him. I was talking loud - he had me on speaker phone and I could not hear him or myself very well.

He told me he was going to call his ex-wife and tell her she was not allowed to have me near his children and that he was going to tell his children to never speak to me again.

I reminded him that he is not married to their mother and could not dictate who is allowed at her home. He lost his mind, calling me horrible names, screaming obscenities, just literally lost his mind.

The reason I air the family dirty laundry is because I have no one to really talk to about this other than our mother and my sister-in-law (she may be divorced from my brother but she is still my sister-in-law). My priest gives me excellent advice - I must forgive him. SO I do, and I want people who read this blog to know that I am a Faithful Catholic, a sober woman and my heart is broken because I have a brother so deeply mired in sin that he has convinced himself I am his enemy.

My heart is broken by this man. I have never hated him, though I have absolutely hated the things he has done over the years. His drinking, his anger and vicious language. He has sunk lower and lower, becoming a travesty. We all walk on egg shells around him because he is so threatening.

And I wish I had handled it better. In my defense I was so shocked by his accusations that I did not think fast enough. I feel guilty because of that - if I had handled it better Mom would not be kept from her granddaughter tomorrow.

I left him two voice messages and sent a text telling him I am not his enemy, that I love him and always will and that I am so sorry he hates me so much and thinks I am out to get him or whatever he thinks.

The kids know the truth. My sister-in-law would never keep the children from me and he can make his grandstanding by going to pick the youngest up at school to keep me and Mom away from her...but the reality is he left that marriage and cannot dictate what goes on in her home. He can flip out and freak out and throw all the tantrums he wants - he cannot have his own way on this one.

I know that Jesus has my back. I know that my own behavior, while not perfect, was not the cause of my brother's freak out. I understand that I need to redouble my efforts at prayer and fasting and penance for him. I am so sorry he has become what he has become - a vicious, angry, dangerous man.

Please, if you read this, I am begging you to pray for his healing. I have never felt so alone in terms of human contact. I feel sick, absolutely sick, and beg you for prayers.

He is dying...and he does not even realize it.

St Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle....

St JoseMaria is not the only Mangy Donkey

2011-09-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

St. JoseMaria founded Opus Dei, the wonderful Apostolate much maligned by Dan Brown in that ridiculous book. He survived the horrors of the Spanish Civil War, guided a generation or two of Catholics (young and old) on the path towards heaven and generally is the type of man who met hardship with a smile and a funny remark.

I wish I could be like him.

What I admire most about him (By the Way - for those who do not understand why I speak of him in the first person, Catholics believe in eternal life. He may no longer be in Madrid, but he is more fully alive that you or I at this moment) is the humility he displayed throughout his life on earth. In his prayers to Our Lord he referred to himself as a 'Mangy donkey' as a way to describe his own stubborn resistance to the will of Our Father in heaven.

Well....he ain't the only one. Move over, St JoseMaria...a new mangy donkey is in town.

I am discouraged by my inability to control my temper when tough times hit. Granted, I have improved tremendously in that I do not blow up at people or rant or rave or pick up the phone and let people have it between the eyes with my wonderful words of wisdom, driven by anger. I recognize that I have improved and I give credit for that improvement to the God of my understanding. Without His Sacramental Economy that allows me to receive the grace I need to improve my behavior I would be just like my brother - screaming at people at the drop of a hat and unable to apologize out of shame and humiliation for having acted like an ass.

I am not, therefore, beating myself up here. I absolutely recognize how far I have come. What is discouraging to me is how far I still have to go in order to be able to meet calamity with serenity.

For example: We have a policy at work that requires people to be available in case of emergency. If there is no coverage, we need to be able to reach you and let you know we need you to come in and cover an hour, two hours or an entire shift if necessary.

Everyone knows this...all of them are aware that they could be called in and they are required to let us know if they are going to be out of town.

Friday morning I told Marissa to be sure to check the schedule over the weekend because if no one signed up for overtime on Monday she would be assigned to the schedule.

She has ignored every call, every text, every email. Because of her behavior I have had to yank other people out of their lives to cover HER shift.

I have had it with this job. I am so angry at that woman and at those who behave like her that I am back on with the idea of retiring in March. I cannot work for a bunch of hypocrites anymore. NO ONE answers their telephones...and then I have to sit in those stupid meetings and listen to them describe the Sheriff Department as 'family'.

Considering how members of my family treat me, they are damn close to the truth.

I would rather work for a hedge fund operator who is open and honest about screwing people out of their life savings than supervise people like Marissa and Renee or work for V or E. I am DONE.

I think what really annoys the crap out of me is that I have stood up for this woman over and over again. No more. She has lost an important ally in that office.

So you see how disgusted I am with myself. I know that I will forgive her and that I really do not have a choice in how I treat her...after all, the goal is for me to get to heaven and why would I let people like Marissa, Renee, Barbara or John keep me from spending eternity with Our Lord in heaven?
But just ONCE I would like to hear one of these people say, "I was wrong. I apologize. What can I do to make it up to you?".

Instead Marissa will either not say anything at all OR she will pretend like her telephone stopped working...and she will simper and look down and say, "I know...I'm sorry" like she's a little girl with a baby voice...OOOOOOHHHHHH GOD I find her INFURIATING!

My problem, I know I know I know. I mean, what should I do? I am tempted to suggest we send deputies to their houses when they won't answer the phone but I know that will get shot down.

SO...here is how it looks to me right now. Once again, the liars, the cheats, the thieves and the assholes inherit the earth. The decent hardworking people who following the rules get kicked in the nuts.

That will change...I do trust in Jesus, i really do and I am glad I got to go to Mass this morning and receive Him in the Eucharist. I feel so sorry for those who do not have Him in their lives, who deny Him or who turn away from Him when they do not get their way.

BUT - I also know I can turn to Him in times like these, when I am so angry at the behavior of others that it has made me cross-eyed and He will not shun me, He will understand.

God, grant me the serenity to change that which I cannot and to resist the urge to call that little bitch up and leave her a voice mail that would get me fired.

Amen.

My Bible is better than YOUR Bible - and other Weird Claims

2011-09-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

I recently read a cut and paste presenation by a fundamentalist Christian over at a Forum site for a local paper.

To pick it apart would take too long - faulty reasoning, poor references to Church Fathers, and a rejection of historical truth that boggles the mind.

Jason Evert, an apologist at Catholic Answers, wrote an excellent article for This Rock Magazine on this very subject (clickhereforthe article) and I refuse to reinvent the wheel.

What I find odd, as always, is that these people who claim a philosophy of Sola Scriptura will reject the doctrine explained in the Bread of Life discourse found in the Gospel of St John. Suddenly, at a time when Jesus could not be speaking any plainer, they are convinced He was somehow kidding.

I am probably just getting too old for some of this stuff - the apologist for fundamentalists always end up degenerating into name-calling and veiled insults and then get their feelings hurt very easily. James White is a very good example of a man who would rather attack and villify his sister than look honestly at her journey of faith, and evaluate her experiences in light of Love rather than anger. I think, and this is just my guess, that there is such a feeling of anger and resentment towards those of us who reject a truncated theology that it must have just killed something inside him to have his own sister become a Catholic.

How DARE she?

Ah, well....family problems are not restricted to those who hate Catholics. My own family is a very good example of what happens when God is pushed out of all decisions (I know - let's buy a MONKEY! That will make everything OK!).

I am about to eat my yogurt - I wish there was more protein to be found in a bag of M&Ms......

Getting Used to the Changes

2011-09-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

There is a new way of posting on my blog and it is another thing for me to get used to - ah, changes!

I have had to learn a new system for tracking employee attendance (and it is going to be fabulous once I actually know what I am doing).

I am learning all the new names of Forty Niners (I like that Hunter kid and Colin, the rookie qb, is from the Valley so I now I just have, what, forty more names and numbers to learn?).

But most exciting of all, beginning in Advent we will have a new translation of the Mass to learn.

It is a wonderful new translation, much better than the one we have been using since the 1970's, though to be generous to those who did that translation they did a pretty darn good job at the time. The changes will seem minor and probably annoying to the average Catholic in the pew. For someone like me, however, who is a Liturgy Geek, the changes are going to help me elevate my worship so that the Holy Mass can be the foretaste of heaven it is meant to be.

I made the decision to never leave the Eucharist again - I believe Jesus when He says that those who do not eat His Flesh or drink His Blood will NOT have eternal life, and I have too many other things working against me to not pay attention to THAT - so even if I thought the translation was ridiculous I would still be in the pew every Sunday. However, I have discovered that if I am open to the grace and love that flows from Holy Mother Church then I am going to be overwhelmed with the gifts from Christ.

Change is not always easy. Heck, for me it is never easy. I am adjusting to thinking of myself as an only child and I am adjusting to the changes at work and I am learning the numbers of the new guys on the team.

But the new translation is not going to be just another adjustment. Personally, I see it as another way for me to get closer to my Lord and Savior. I would expect nothing less from His Bride but a better way to unite with Him.

The Church is my mother - and she is doing exactly what a good mother does for her children.

How wonderful is that?

Got God? I have a question for you!

2011-08-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

Good old Question #6 from the Baltimore Catechism (if you remember that you are like me - old) is:

Why did God make you?

And any Baby Boomer knows that answer without a glitch:

God made me to know Him, to love Him and to serve Him in this world and to be happy with Him forever in the next.

I can recite that coming out of a dead sleep, in the middle of an earthquake, and while watching the Niners beat the Raiders in pre-season football. Nudge me and ask me that or other questions from First Grade Religion class at Christ the King (Sister Mary Frances, all hail her holy name) would gently call the names of all 51 children (you read that right - FIFTY ONE KIDS) in her first grade class one at a time and ask us questions:

Does God have a beginning?

God has no beginning. God is infinite. God always was and always will be.

Very good, Leslie.

Next?

I bring this up because there is a line of thought today that somehow, studying our faith is always about deep philosophical thought and heavy duty discussion. The reality is (as any good teacher can tell you) a good student has to learn the basics, has to do some memorization, before they can tackle the deep stuff. If you do not know that a plus sign means addition they you cannot decipher the formula of 1 + 3. I don't care how smart you are - you gotta learn the basics.

For instance - Where is God?

Answer: God is everywhere.

Truth - simple and precise. From that we can ask, should we ever be worried we are abandoned by God? How can we be abandoned when He is everywhere, including wherever we are right that minute?

Question: Does God know all things?

Answer: God knows all things, even our most secret thoughts, words and actions.

Truth - again simple and precise and reassuring; for if He knows all then we do not have to worry about going to Him. For knowing means understanding, truly understanding. Link that with the fact that He loves us and you have a Creator who loves me as well as understands me...and how wonderful is that?

Learn the basics...and the reality of those basics will lead to an incredible life.

The Holy Trinity

2011-08-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

God is not a solitary being; rather, He is the eternal community of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. What we get to remember is that all societies exist because of the eternal community: The Holy Trinity.

There is in God a true fatherhood that belongs to the First Person alone. From all eternity (in the beginning) The Father has been generating The Son - not as a mere attribute but as a distinct Person. St John wrote: In the beginning was The Word, and The Word was with God and the Word was God (emphasis added). Proceeding from the Father and the Son is the Holy Spirit, also a distinct Person and not merely a part of God nor an attribute of God.

The Three Persons have the blessed inmost life of the One Divine Being. Thrice Holy God is infinitely beyond anything I can conceive in Human measure. What I can be, however, is grateful for this Triune God, the infinite mystery of Love and Community that created me in His Own Image. I am a being of body, mind and spirit - a reflection of the Holy Trinity, One God, my Creator.

I have a responsibility to treat myself with the dignity a creature of a Loving God deserves just as I have a duty to treat all His creatures accordingly and with Love.

I am bound to love the unlovable, for Jesus taught that there is not special virtue in loving those who are lovable.

Right?

Bringing Life Up to Date

2011-08-20T03:48:00.000-07:00

There have been some amazing things going on in my life since July 4, 2011, some good and some bad and some just mind boggling.

My brother is still not speaking to me but he is making tiny gestures of reconciliation towards our mother, for which I am glad. She is 89 years old and heart broken by the life he has chosen to live. I would not wish her to be estranged from her only son. If whatever time she has left on this earth means I just step back and swallow a lot of guff, so be it.

And truth be told I have forgiven him for his lies and his abuse. I am still working on forgiving the woman he shares his bed with but that is tougher - she is the source of the lies and the conflict and the pain inflicted upon his family. I am really putting my knees to the floor and pointing my face towards heaven on this one and the best I can do right now is to tell God that I really REALLY want to forgive her. I do...I am willing to be a good person. Unfortunately, right now I am not a good person because I am also willing to back over her with a tractor and say, "Ooops."

In my 12 Step program people wiser than me have suggested that right now I say the following prayer, "Dear Lord, please grant her exactly whatever You believe she needs in order to have a happy life". Again, this is better than the prayer I would like to say, which is, "Dear Lord, a little divine retribution towards both of them right now would be greatly appreciated. Amen".

Hey, listen - I would not want to be given exactly what I deserve so why would I pray that someone else get the same thing?

And I suppose it is a sign that I am really human and not an angel that my heart still hurts over this situation. Frankly, my heart hurts because my only brother has chosen to believe a lying, manipulative woman who is using him for a place to stay and money instead of his sister - the sister who was thrown across a room when he was 4 because she tried to keep him from being beaten by our drunken father, the sister who has been there no matter what whenever his relationships have blown up in his face, the sister who buys clothes for his children or pays for those extras not covered by their parents.

Damn...there I go again.

My goal is to be able to love him without wanting him to say he is sorry. I am not there yet. I love him, but I want to hear him say, "I am sorry I believed her. I am sorry I told my children lies about you. I am sorry I hurt you".

That is not going to happen...I need to move on and that is the focus of my weekly trips to the Confessional and my daily prayers. I have GOT to grow in holiness or this is going to keep me in Purgatory a very long time, no matter how many indulgences I try to rack up.

Ok, moving on to the good stuff:

About seven months or so ago I said (while sitting in a meeting) that I had never been given a step increase in my wages since coming to work. I took it for granted, I said, that no one was getting step increases because I had been told our wages were frozen.

Apparently, that is not what is meant by 'your wages are frozen'.

This past week I picked up a check for 4 and a half years of back wages and starting next paycheck I will be paid 750.00 more a month than I have been paid.

Thank you, Jesus.

I will be paying off about three credit cards, putting money aside for that trip to swim with dolphins Jillian and I are planning for next summer AND (this is a secret) might have a down payment on minor plastic surgery needed after the weight loss stuff is done. In other words, I may not have to have flappy lose skin on my upper arms. I don't really care about the rest of me because no one is ever going to see me naked but gee it would be nice to not look like a flying squirrel when I wear a tank top.

I know, I know...too much vanity.

I was also able to purchase my MacBook Pro and a new printer (wireless - I can print stuff from my office!) . I had been saving for three years and I was within 300 bucks of having the 2 grand necessary to walk into the Apple Store and buy it without having to finance even the software I wanted (microsoft office suite and mac version of final draft).

The best part of this is that my retirement is going to be better. Now, I may not retire until 2013 instead of 2012 but that is only so I can get one full year at the top step of the pay scale....thank you, Jesus.

Interestingly enough, while I have been second guessing myself for the past four years because I was getting paid so little for such a tough job, I have also been forced to really live within my means. I was determined that, if I was going to have such a small retirement, that all my stuff would be paid off and I had gotten all the loans down to three credit cards (two of which are gas cards that made it possible for me to come to work when the gas spiked in price three different times). Now I will be able to pay those off. I will have one student loan left (federal - very low interest rate), my house payment and my car payment and that is IT!!!!

I might be able to get my hair done every three months.

SO...life is ok. Oh shoot - life is GOOD. I am healthy and happy about everything but my brother and even that is just pride on my part. When I can learn to detach from him it won't matter that he treats me with such disrespect. I will be able to look at him like Jesus must look at all of us - we treat Him with such disrespect and He loves us anyway.

Which, believe it or not, is my goal. I want to get to heaven. I want to spend eternity with Him. It means letting go of the idea that somehow I should be treated by people better than He was treated - and I pray for the ability to love those who do not deserve my love.

Keep me in your prayers, everyone.....I will keep you in mine.

The Attributes of God

2011-08-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

The perfections we speak of when we try to describe God are His 'attributes', because we attribute to God the qualities we know belong to the divine nature. The perfections in God only dimly correspond to the various properties we find in ourselves.

In the Apostles' Creed there is only one attribute given to God: He is Almighty.

Since Apostolic times, however, the Church has identified no less than fifteen divine attributes:

He is absolutely ONE.
He s the TRUE God.
He is the LIVING God.
He is ETERNAL God
God is IMMENSE.
God is INCOMPREHENSIBLE.
God is INFINITE.
He is UNIQUE.
God is PURE SPIRIT.
God is TOTALLY SIMPLE.
God is UNCHANGEABLE.
He is TRANSCENDENT.
God is PERFECTLY HAPPY
God is the MOST SUBLIME.

There have been libraries written about each one of these attributes. I would never, EVER, pretend to be learned enough to offer anything new when discussing the attributes of my Creator.

The Catholic Church speaks of the attributes of God as internal because they describe God as He is in Himself. In a world where atheism is so prevalent, and so rigorously defended by those who hold to its ever changing precepts, believers must be clear in our understanding of who the One True God is.

Of course, we must also be aware of what we call the relative attributes of God - those divine perfections that are in relation to the world He has created.

The Apostles' Creed mentions only that attribute that is His almightiness. By this phrase, we know that He cannot do anything that would deny His own nature. He cannot tell a lie nor act in a contradictory nature, like change His mind (which is not the same as answering our prayers as we appeal to His permissible Will).

Reflecting upon God Almighty means to reflect on His majesty, His omniscient nature. It means to settle into the security that God always was, always will be and that He is in charge.

It means nothing happens in His universe by mistake.

How beautiful is that?

I GOT MY NEW COMPUTER

2011-08-15T15:16:00.001-07:00

As of right now I am the proud owner of a MacBook Pro!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

Let's talk Sola Scriptura and What the Apostles believe

2011-08-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have never understood the appeal of this doctrine. I once had a man who adheres to this line of thinking say to me that he would never allow a bunch of old men in Rome tell him how to think. He then went on to tell me that he is a follower of White and Piper.

huh?

There is nothing in the Holy Scripture that tells you only to rely upon Holy Scripture for one reason - the New Testament was being written and they did not know they were writing Holy Scripture. They thought they were sending someone a letter.

What made Holy Scripture Holy Scripture?

Well, God inspired the writers of course but God inspired a body of men to decide what would be included in the canon and what would not - and that group of men were The Church. The One Holy Catholic Church.

Looking at the Creed of the Apostles, what I see is the continuity of The True Faith. For instance, the opening line "I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth" implies an incredible number of truths of the Christian Faith. Each of these truths has been questioned during the Church's history and many of the people who believe the spurious scholarship that makes up the Trail of Blood often do not realize that those people they see as the persecuted 'real Christians' denied such beliefs as the divinity of Christ or the Truth of the Trinity. The author of that 'book' ended up renouncing their own assertions. That should clue you in that claiming that Baptists are Albigensian is not such a smart idea.

So over the next couple of weeks I want to examine the Apostles Creed. I want us to think about the word Faith and what it means - the acceptance with our minds what someone else teaches or tells us. We believe because we trust what is being told to us - and when the information comes from a human being we call that human faith....when the one we believe in is God, it is Divine Faith.

Maybe, just for today, we can meditate on the phrase "I believe in God". Could it have two meanings? First we can say we believe God because we can ascertain through reason that God exists, has our best interests at heart and should, because of His very existence as our Creator, be believed. He cannot lie to us because He is all good and therefore worthy of all our love. He cannot be deceived because He is all-knowing, so trying to hide ourselves from Him is useless. He knows us better than we know ourselves.

However, we also believe in God. That is expressed by our accepting on His Word all that He has revealed to us about Himself and about His love and desires for His Creatures - in particular, His highest creation - us.

Belief in God, or Faith, is a gift of course from The Creator but it is also important to remember that it is possible to come to this belief through reason. St Paul emphasized this and could not have been clearer on the duty we all have to get to know God by observing His world. St Paul insists that "Ever since God has created the world, His everlasting power and deity - however invisible - have been there for the mind to see in the things that He has made." (Romans 1:19-21).

Faith is a kind, or a form, of knowledge. It is reasonable knowledge. To divorce Faith from Reason, for someone who TRULY follows the Teachings of Christ, is impossible. Faith without Reason is not Faith - it is hysteria. Reason without Faith, I would assert, is not Reason - it is arrogance. The rejection of the obvious - that we are Creatures of a a Creator.. and we are loved.

"I believe in God" is a powerful statement. It is worth thinking about and praying about, and it is worth examining in light of Truth.

Coming Home

2011-08-10T04:33:00.000-07:00

From time to time I am approached by a Catholic who has fallen away from the Faith. Usually, the ones who contact me, were not lured into some cult or even left the Church for the usual reasons (bad sermons, sex scandal, wouldn't let me marry someone after I divorced, the lady at the office was mean to me); rather, the simply drifted away. No anger issues, no beef with a certain priest or a doctrine of Faith - just stopped going, stopped participating. And when the roof did not fall in on their heads or lightening strike them on the golf course they figured they were in the clear.

Until something happens: They find themselves at a wedding being advised by a faithful Priest that unless they are a Catholic in good standing (attending Sunday Mass, going to confession at least once a year, receiving the Eucharist at least once a year, supporting the Church, attending Mass on Holy Days of Obligation) that they cannot receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. They find themselves at a Rosary for a friend who has passed away and they cannot remember how to pray the prayer their mother's taught them when they were seven years old.

Oddly enough, this type of fallen away Catholic always ends up sitting next to me. And since I seem to have the word "Catechist" mysteriously visible to these people on my forehead, they always ask me 'what do I do?' - and I get to tell them.

AND I LOVE IT!!

Sometimes, being able to do a quick 2 minute Catechises with a big smile and lots of excitement in my whispers gives them the right impression:

We missed you. Welcome back. I know you think it is only for one day, but here's my phone number. We want you here, with us...with the rest of your Catholic Family.

With the Body of Christ.

Recently, I sat next to someone married to a fallen away Catholic who was fascinated by the Rosary I held in my hand.

"What is the Rosary, exactly?", he asked me.

I whipped out my iPhone with the Catholic Cheat Sheet Ap (yes, there are SEVERAL Catholic Aps that I have and I love) so that I could show him the Mysteries, how those Mysteries take us through an incredible meditation on the life of Jesus Christ, how praying with His Blessed Mother allows us to see Him through the eyes of the First Christian - the Woman, the Mother of us all.

I don't know what he heard, but today he called and asked me if he could learn more about being a Catholic.

Heck YEAH.

Now, listen. I know that this doesn't mean we have another convert about to embrace all the Teachings of The Truth. What I hope for is that we may have one more person willing to open the eyes and ears of their heart to the whispering of The Holy Spirit. I know the journey for many people trying to figure out where they live in relation to their Creator is long and loopy and bumpy and rough. The joy, I think, is in that journey not necessarily in the arrival.

One comes into full communion with Truth and that is one stage in the journey towards heaven. It is not the end by any means; rather, if one wants to be truly Catholic, one spends the rest of their lives on earth delving into the vast and endless spirituality that is Holy Mother Church. And then, if one is really blessed, we get to do what people like St Therese is doing right now - spending her eternity showering the earth with Roses picked from the heavenly garden, Roses that are the Love of Jesus Christ for His people.

Please pray for those far from Truth - people like my own family members who are either living in mortal sin or who have left the Eucharist because of some trivial reason, looking for the all-inclusive, politically correct way to worship Jesus Christ. They need to Come Home.

We all need to Come Home...and if we think we have arrived, then we need to keep going...because like St Paul we must be willing to run the race to the end.

I'm trying....

Anyone else interested?
www.CatholicsComeHome.org

Interesting - this thing called Life

2011-08-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, after I get off work and sleep for a few hours, I will be attending the Rosary for the Repose of the Soul of our friend Joe.

Today is also the twenty-fourth anniversary of the death of my husband Fred.

I was a pregnant bride, I am sure, when I walked down the aisle in April of 1987. Just four months later I would be standing at the side of a gurney at Kaiser Hospital in Martinez, holding the hand of my dead husband as the child I wanted more than my own life would slide out of my womb onto the cold hard hospital floor.

And in an instant I lost them both, along with any reason to try and be a better person or a good woman. I gave up, snapped, said good bye to the world and disappeared into the back bedroom of my mother's house in Pleasant Hill. I would hoist a cocaine pipe and a bottle of vodka and tell the world to leave me alone. I stayed that way for the next five years, not finding sobriety through the 12 Steps until 1992.

I never married again - not for lack of desire (or trying for that matter) but simply because no one since Fred has ever wanted to marry me. Considering my taste in men since his death, this is a good thing. A gift from God. And while I would love to be someone's wife, my criteria has changed so much over the years that I am pretty content to let God take care of the relationship part of my life.

Because I usually have bad taste so...

Twenty four years. Isn't that amazing? I wanted to be so many things - a famous actress and writer, mother and wife - and instead I work for the government in a field that makes me giggle at its absurdity. The mere fact that I am a non-sworn member of law enforcement proves, beyond any doubt, that the Atheist is wrong. There is a God, it is not me and He has one hell of a sense of irony.

As a Catholic, I have learned more and more that reliance upon God means developing and nurturing that wonderful underlying reality of life: Everything is fine.

No matter what is happening in the world, light or dark, everything is going to be fine because everything IS fine. We are persevering, we are running the race to the end. We are not once saved, always saved, but we are loved beyond belief by the God who has created us.

The Sacramental Life is one that allows someone like me to go out into the world and see what's happening...to pass for normal out there, among the rest of you. It also allows me to recognize those members of my tribe who are also walking around in the sunlight of the Spirit, tossing their hair and smiling from ear to ear because we have cheated death one more day, one day at a time.

I have a little over an hour left of work. I cannot wait to get home. I am sleepy and I am tired. I have worked hard tonight.

Good night, Joe. Good night, Fred.

See ya!

Good bye to Joe

2011-08-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday I received a telephone call from my friend, Keven. He had bad news. Our friend, Joe, had been found dead that morning. He had taken his own life.

Keven was calling me and asking me to light a candle for Joe - he knows I am a committed Catholic (some say I am a Catholic who should be committed but I ignore them) and he also knows that Joe is a committed Catholic.

My heart broke when I heard the news - not just because of the scandal of a Catholic man choosing to take the most precious of gifts from his Creator but because I owe a great deal to Joe.

Holy Mother Church teaches:

(CCC 2280 - 2281)

2280 Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of.

2281 Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God.

2282 If suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law.

Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.

2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.

I include these teachings because there are many misconceptions, even among Catholics, in regards to the issue of suicide. In the 'old days' an obvious victim of suicide was denied a Catholic Funeral and even denied burial in Sacred ground. These actions, while harsh, were based on the sound teaching that suicide is a mortal sin as well as the limited knowledge we had regarding mental illness and/or alcoholism/drug addiction.

Like any sound Doctrine, as our knowledge of the world grows our interpretation of that Doctrine may change. In the middle ages, for instance, it was believed that a child in the womb did not really exist until the mother felt the child move in the womb. Referred to as 'the quickenning', this happened around the third month of pregnancy. Because we did not have the knowledge regarding human conception, we have the writings of people like St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas which seem to okay abortion before the third month of pregnancy. It is those writings that people like Nancy Pelosi rely upon to argue with Church Teaching that life is sacred from the moment of conception to the end of natural life. The essential teaching that abortion is immoral has not changed. What has changed is that we know more about human beings and science and genetics than St Augustine knew.

The Teaching, therefore, that suicide is a mortal sin is not wrong. However, we know more today about mental illness, alcoholism, depression and more than we did in the first century. We know today, for instance, that the people who chose to end their lives rarely meet the conditions required for one to be guilty of mortal sin, the most important of which being that they are freely choosing to do what they are doing, unhampered by any outside influences or coercion.

Let's face it - if you suffer from an illness that kicks you physically, mentally and spiritually so that every where you look you see despair and no way out, you are not freely making a choice to do anything. You are so deep in the pit, so covered with the darkness you are not clearly deciding anything. Frankly, all you want is for the pain to stop.

I find it difficult to believe that the man I knew, albeit not as closely as some, freely chose to end his life.

What I believe is that the despair and anguish he experienced chased out any chance he had of making a sound decision.

Let me tell you about Joe.

I arrived in Modesto from the Bay Area with six years of sobriety, an attitude that I was doing everything right and enough fear of the unknown to keep me from making friends or reaching out to people. I could not let anyone see how frightened I was - the new kid on the block, so to speak - and so I worked hard to appear competent and confident.

My sponsor had instructed me to get into service as soon as I arrived and so I went to the business meeting for Northside Fellowship and raised my hand when the need for a Birthday Night Chairperson was announced.

I asked questions, was told how they did it and immediately decided they were doing it wrong. Joe, the chairperson for the fellowship at the time, just smiled and said, "Go for it". I wrote out a format, I organized people to help, I got a speaker - and the night I chaired my first birthday night the members of the fellowship were thrown for a loop when this strange woman stood up, with a notebook in hand, and started their meeting.

Afterwards, Joe told me, many went to him and wanted to know who the HELL I thought I was to do what I had done - change things without asking - and he told them all to back off, let me do the deal and if they didn't like it then they needed to show up six months from now and volunteer to be birthday night chairperson.

That usually shuts people up in AA. The minute you point out to people that a complaint can lead to actually DOING something, they back off.

Joe ran into some problems later, leading to a relapse and some legal troubles that we do not need to discuss here. He served his time, got back on the water wagon (as Bill W. called it) and came back to Northside Fellowship. I, meanwhile, fell in love with a phony Vietnam Veteran, made a fool of myself at group level and had to make an amends to the entire fellowship, got another college degree, began writing for the Modesto Bee and started studying to be a Catechist at Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio.

A couple of years ago a man by the name of George began stalking me online. He would get drunk and then post my name along with several slanderous and outright bizarre accusations: I am a drug addict, I have slept with everyone at Northside Fellowship and have been banned from attending AA meetings there, I am hated by everyone in AA, blah blah blah. It got really ugly - the man threatened members of my family, threatened my job, etc.

I knew that most of his threats were ridiculous, made in the middle of a drunken rampage and were not to be taken seriously, but I was worried about Northside. I do not get to attend very often because of my work schedule and my worry was that someone online would read George's posts and not go for help if they needed it. I also knew George had to be allowed to continue attending, but that his online crap had to stop.

So....I went to Joe.

Joe took care of it - he and another man spoke directly to George about his behavior. While George denied it was him (he always has, unaware that his IP address had been captured and LE had traced all the emails, online posts etc to him or his office), the craziness began to disappear. Now, with the exception of occasional flare ups by George or his little friend Robert, the problem no longer exists.

You can understand why Joe and his beautiful wife Marie hold special places in my heart. I do not get to hang out with them or go to dinner or movies or parties - I work out of town and sleep when most people are awake - but whenever I needed his help he was there.

I am going to miss him. I know, I believe that at the moment of death Joe asked Jesus for help. I believe that Joe is on his way to heaven - being purified of all detachments and sins he had upon his entry into the next world and I believe that, if I persevere myself, I will meet him again in heaven.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. May Our Lady meet him at the gates of heaven and lead him to her Son.

Life Goes On - Right?

2011-08-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing can come between us and the love of Christ, even if we are troubled or worried, or being persecuted, or lacking food or clothes, or being threatened or even attacked. These are the trials through which we triumph, by the power of him who loved us.

*****************************************************************

The short reading in today's Morning Prayer is from Romans and is, in my opinion, a cry against the darkness that can be rejection. It is St Paul's way of reminding us that walking the road of Christ and His Church is not an easy choice. However, as St Paul states, we have to remember that no matter how we may feel, our reality is thus: we are never seperated from Christ unless we chose to become seperated. We CAN make a choice - by committing sin - that keeps us out of heaven despite our love for the Lord (for not everyone who cries, 'Lord, Lord' - remember?).

However, if we make the decision to view our life's trials as a chance to triumph we might be able to keep on walking towards heaven one day at a time.

I put out my hands to the Lord, to be lead and to wander the path He has chosen for me. It does not matter if my family comes along or not...

but it would be so much nicer if they did, right?

As We Go Forward

2011-08-02T03:02:00.000-07:00

Many of you have asked where I serve as a Catechist.

My parish is St Joseph's in Modesto, CA.

To give you an idea of the type of RCIA process we facilitate there, I offer the following link:

http://rciablog.com/2010/02/year-round/

Presenting in this video is our former DRE, Dino Durando, and our present RCIA coordinator, Stacy Phillips.

(Personally, I think Stace is the best RCIA coordinator on the planet, but I am probably a little bit prejudice).

ENJOY!

Why The Apostles' Creed?

2011-07-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

There is no better place to start talking about Christianity than the Apostles' Creed. While there have been other creeds written and approved by The Church, it is the Apostles' Creed that can be traced back to the beginning - if not in words, in substance- to the Faith that was handed on by Jesus to The Apostles and to us.

Following Christ's declaration that "He who believes and is baptized will be saved" (St Mark, 16:16), The Apostles' Creed was the precondition for baptism. Because, as stated in the Acts of the Apostles, often entire households (including infants and children) were baptized, those below the age of reason were vouched for by their parents or guardians. Only believers could be baptized.

The Apostles' Creed attests to the basics: a person cannot be a Christian unless they embrace the Truths expressed in this simple, yet powerful, declaration. "Our Faith", we are told, "can guarantee the blessings that we hope for and prove the existence of the realities that at present remain unseen"(Letter to the Hebrews, 11:1).

Catholics accept three fundamental Truths as outlined in The Apostles' Creed.

1. We believe that the world did not exist before it was specifically created by God.

2. We believe that God became man in the person of Jesus Christ by being born of the Virgin Mary and that He died on the cross and rose from the dead and that He will come again on the last day to judge the living and the dead.

3. We believe that The Holy Spirit, a separate distinct Person of the Holy Trinity, in the soul of the Church and that through The Church we receive the graces we need to achieve our highest good - eternal life, that for which we were created.

We begin our journey in the fullness of the Christian Faith with a simple declaration:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

Look at that sentence and ask yourself, do I believe this? Do I accept this on Faith alone or can I look around me, at this world and nature and other human beings, and see the proof that God not only exists but is The Creator, the Father, intimately concerned with every aspect of my life as only one who loves me could ever be?

As most people who read my blog know, I have family who are far from The Church and far from Truth. I am shunned by some and others just periodically get angry because I will not take steps back from reality in order to make them feel better. I get that being a true disciple of Christ can mean losing what is important to me in this life.

However, I am becoming more and more convinced that being a Catholic requires sacrifices that other religions do not entertain...and I believe that those sacrifices, while painful at the moment they are made, lead to a relief and a guarantee of happiness that cannot be described.

I get to go back to work tomorrow night. I get to start preparing for the stomach surgery and the other studies, to keep loving the sponsees and the friends and the family I have left. Most of all I get to keep being me - a sober Catholic widow woman who looks at every day as another chance to be the best me I can be - one day at a time.

OH - and the best part?

Football season starts soon....lololololol.

Four Dimensions of the Catholic Faith - Lovin' the WHOLE Thing

2011-07-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

Faith. Sacraments. Commandments. Prayer.

These four dimensions of the Catholic Faith are the foundation of Christianity and have been since Jesus founded His Church on the Faith and person of St Peter the Apostle. To understand Catholicism means to understand these four pillars of Christianity - take any one of these away, or refuse to acknowledge the importance of all four and one gets either a sadly watered down version of Christianity or worse - an outright heresy.

Faith

The Catholic Faith is what we who profess to be Catholic are to believe. There are certain truths that we are to acknowledge as the Teachings of God and the best place to find a concentrated form of these truths is in the Apostles' Creed.

Sacraments

Sacraments are the means provided by Jesus Christ for Christians to share in His Divine Life. The Sacraments allow us to grow in His Life and, if necessary, to regain the Divine Life if we lose our participation through sin.

Commandments

Not known as the ten suggestions, the Commandments given to Moses by God on Mt. Sinai are the main demands God makes on us in terms of obedience to His Will. These Commandments were later confirmed by Jesus Christ through His Sermon on the Mount, presented to us through the eyes of the Saving Victim, the Suffering Servant. No longer called to conquer by might, today we conquer through Love.

Prayer

The Lord's Prayer is both a summary and a guide. It shows us how to approach God as our Loving Father through prayer, while guiding us in our conversation with Him. We can, if we were to try, use each line of the Our Father as a meditation tool, contemplating the message behind forgiveness, Divine Fatherhood, eternal salvation and heavenly food and never truly plumb the spiritual depths of the Catholic Faith.

Each section of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the loving gift of Holy Mother Church to Her children, addresses these four pillars. If one opens up the eyes and ears of their heart and their mind, they can approach the Catechism as both a teaching tool and a spiritual guide.

"Our faith can guarantee the blessings that we hope for and prove the existence of the realities that, at present, remain unseen" (Hebrews 11:1).

Let's go forward, Christians...open your Bibles and your dictionary...and the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Learn your faith. Defend the Truth.

OK - I'm Certified...Now What?

2011-07-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am a certified RCIA Catechist. I know that because I am currently holding the certificate in my hand. It is signed, it is really pretty, it states that I have completed all the course work to the satisfaction of those who judge my work.

So, it is true.

Now, what?

The last general session of the conference was chaired by Dr. Petroc Willey of the Maryvale Institute in England. It is the institute that grew out of the tradition of study fostered by Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman. Dr. Willey is considered one of the foremost authorities on the Catholic Catechism. A convert from first the Baptist tradition and, later, Anglicanism, Dr. Willey is one of those Catholics who looks at the entire words in a sentence before deciding what the author meant, a form of analysis I am familiar with as that is how I was taught to think at UC Berkeley.

I wish I had kept to that form of thinking in my personal life when I was younger. I would have saved myself a lot of grief (but that's all water around the Ark, as Noah would say, so let's keep on keepin' on).

The 'and' in a sentence is important. A Christian does not just have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ ( it is not just 'Jesus and me'); rather, if one looks at Holy Scripture and all of Salvation History, one realizes it is always about Jesus Christ and His Church. Our Lord did not say to St Peter, "You are Peter, and upon this rock I shall eat my lunch with one person at a time". He spoke of building a Church, creating something in much the same was as He created the world..a living, breathing, organic system of Love and Worship. As personal as my relationship is with Jesus Christ, it would not be a complete relationship unless I include His Church - no matter what the behavior of the individuals within the Church might be (good or bad, solid or squishy). My job, my vocation must include the development of my relationship with the Body of Christ - that is, The Church.

Dr. Willey proposed that every Catholic needs to acknowledge their responsibility to LEARN their Faith. They approach the Catechism full of attitudes and ideas that could possibly prevent them from really learning. This is true of all of us - especially 'cradle' Catholics who think they know what the Catholic Church teaches.

So in order for us to learn, to continue to deepen our relationship with Christ, we have to be willing to empty ourselves of our preconditioned responses to The Teachings of The Church. Learn....begin by opening the book lovingly given to us by the Magisterium and begin to read. Read a sentence and ask yourself if you understand it....keep a dictionary close by...do not stop with one sentence or one paragraph...just allow yourself to soak in the message.

I am going to challenge all my Catholic friends and those non-Catholics who pretend to understand what we believe to read the Catechism. Approach it as a spiritual reading...ask yourself after each section, "How does this manifest itself in my life today?".

I believe that, if we can do that, we can avoid becoming a follower of a specific priest or caught up in a schism because we know better than The Church. A

And that is what we are supposed to do - stay united,stay together...stay The Body of Christ.

Today Steubenville and tomorrow - social media mogul?

2011-07-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

I just finished a seminar with Carson Weber from the diocese of Sacramento (CarsonWeber.org) on Catechesis and the New Media. As with most seminars I take while at the St John Bosco Conference, I am all fired up to revamp this blog and start using it as a means of effective catechesis.

Of course you realize, dear reader, that if I do that I won't get to complain about my family situation that much if I actually decide to make a concerted effort to do more with what Franciscan University has taught me than just teach RCIA on Monday nights.

Oh yeah - btw - I did it! I got to walk across the stage and hear the applause! I completed my course instruction.

GOOD NEWS - and now, back to work.

Let's see what the new Catechist comes up with in the next few months!

Today, Modesto...Tomorrow, Steubenville.

2011-07-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am worried.

I am worried because yesterday I received my certificate for completing my courses at Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio. Along with the lovely certificate I received an even nicer letter from Ron Bolster, head of the whole shebang.

Why am I worried?

For one thing, I have not finished the classes yet because they do not even start until Wednesday night. The only thing I did was turn in all six of my papers (due within 6 months of completing the program) before I finished the classes.

And they sent me my certificate...and I want to know, does this mean I still get to walk across the stage on Sunday morning wearing my really cool, brand new, St Joseph's RCIA Team polo shirt (embossed with our Logo AND my name, no less)?

Ok, I am not REALLY worried - I am mildly worried...and I am mildly worried because I am a worrier about details.

God is in the details, right? Who said that, anyway?

Well, if this is my worst problem today then I have very high quality problems. I am still not being spoken to by my brother (which now puts me in the company of Patty Bonds, sister of Catholic Hater James White, and that just pumps up MY self esteem to no end). That is sad, but not really a problem. People who are verbally abusive often make the mistake of thinking that refusing to speak to someone is a punishment.

I am still fat, but that is not a problem either as I am now 10 pounds down and that much closer to the goal set by the surgeon. I don't see the surgeon until August. If all goes well and I follow my food plan I will be able to schedule the procedure and get started on the next phase...which will be a liquid diet for the two weeks up to the time of the surgery.

This is a huge step, one I have resisted for years. When I weighed 350 pounds I did not want to do it because I knew 350 pounds is NOT me. When I weighed 275 I did not want to do it because I knew 275 is not me. I could, through diet and exercise, get down to my healthy-Italian-peasant-weight that I am now...but if I wanted to lose more? I would have to be on a starvation diet and always hungry. Deciding on having the procedure known as The Sleeve will allow me to be on a minimum calorie diet without being hungry and wanting to bite people.

SO..if all goes well, I will be slim and beautiful by Christmas. And if one more well meaning relative or friend says to me "Oh You have ALWAYS been beautiful" I will laugh out loud. No I have not..trust me...at 350 I was not beautiful. I was sad looking; sweaty and pasty-faced. At 275 I was possibly one of those BBW type women and now I am really more of a 14th Century Peasant Woman, not ugly but certainly not attractive by today's standards.

This is not putting myself down, this is an honest appraisal.

It is difficult for people to realize that it is possible to have a very solid idea of who and what you are, warts and all, without putting yourself down or feeling sorry for yourself. Today I do not feel sorry for myself. I have prayed my morning prayers, done a nice little work out on the health rider, eaten a protein rich breakfast and am pretty well packed up for the trip. I feel pretty good about me today, much better than I usually do.

I cannot wait to get to Franciscan. I feel, since this is my last trip, that I am going to throw myself into ever seminar and class I can squeeze into the days. I am going to buy all the cds and read the books. I am going to devour my time, praising Our Lord and His Church every moment...happier I could not be, right this moment. To anticipate being surrounded by scholars and theologians and holy priests and religious...

My Life - I have never been so grateful to be sober or grateful to be a Catholic than I am right this minute.

Abba's Little Girl: Melanie Pritchard: The Day I Died

2011-07-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

Abba's Little Girl: Melanie Pritchard: The Day I Died

Those people who think us pro-life types are somehow daft, please read this book. She (Melanie) has a story that will touch your souls and give you reason to believe in miracles.

Thank you, Our Precious Lord, for this wonderful story!

I am exhausted...how are you?

2011-07-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of the drama but boy am I having a tough time letting go.

Just goes to show you - one can be sober a long time and still not be well.

Ok, maybe that is too harsh. I don't think I am crazy or even unwell; rather, I think I am an average person who has been treated badly by someone they trusted and I want an apology.

The tough part for me is that I know, deep down, I will never EVER get that apology.

Jesus Christ, True God and True Man, knows exactly what I am going through and that is the beauty of Christianity. The God of my understanding was lied about and to, and then rejected by people who had flipped over His entrance into Jerusalem one week and then cheered His arrest the next.

I cannot do this deal however, because I am not God.

BUT - I am supposed to try and BE like Him...put on the mind of Christ, be perfect as (my) Heavenly Father is perfect....

AH the difficulty of walking the walk...and not just talking the talk.

Vacation Count Down

2011-07-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

My vacation begins at 0830 this morning.

It has been a very difficult week.

I have restrained myself from writing too much about the horrible family situation going on because, quite frankly, I feel overwhelmed by the whole thing and cannot do a damn thing about it. I have spoken to authorities and they cannot do anything about it. There is no other footwork to do - and so, as with so much of my life, I am at step one. I have admited I am powerless over the person in question and that my life, as the result of trying to deal with them as though they were sane and reasonable, has become unmanageable.

I go to step 2 and I ask myself, "Do I now believe, or will I ever believe, that a power greater than myself will be able to restore me to sanity?".

Which leads me to the subquestion: what would sanity look like in this situation?

It cannot be dependent upon the sane and normal reaction or action of the person in question. That ship has sailed. The rocket has launched. They cannot and should not ever be expected to be anything other than what they are right now - a great lump of crazy.

I suppose a sane reaction to that knowledge, to that reality, is the simple acceptance of the situation. However, there is so much more that flows from that acceptance.

A sane person, accepting the insanity of another, would go to any lengths, legal or no, to prevent the person from having any impact on the lives of children (any children, if necessary - their own family members definitely).

And I am absolutely stymied in that area. The person has more rights than I, presents very normal to the public at large and calls those who have uttered accusations of insanity as liars.

A well-meaning person asked me how I am going to feel when I see the police photos of dead children after the drunk driving accident that is just waiting to happen and I have no response because I know how I am going to feel - I feel absolutely horrible right now and if that happens, I will feel ten times worse because I did not station myself outside the home 24/7 ready to pull the children from the car if the idiot takes off with them while drinking a beer.

SO...I instructed the children to resist, to telephone for help, to do whatever was necessary to keep themselves safe until an adult can get to them..and I have to sit back now and just pray.

I will be leaving for Ohio in a week. If I had the opportunity, I would disappear into the wilds of West Virginia and never return to the overwhelming depressive reality that is, right now, our lives.

God is going to help us, I know that, and I have some very powerful prayer warriors on my side right now storming heaven and begging for proper divine intervention.

Please keep us all in prayer. Boy do we need it.

Casey Anthony and Forgiveness - One Catholic's Perspective

2011-07-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Like many Americans, I was shocked and not shocked at the verdict in the Casey Anthony Trial. I believe she is directly responsible for the death of her child, Caylee. I do not believe the prosecution was able to adequately prove their case against her and so, as often happens in the world, the guilty become "Not Guilty" - a far cry from innocent, but free to walk the the streets and go about their lives.

So now, as a Catholic, I find myself pondering the idea of forgiveness. Particularly, what is my role in this forgiveness? Does it matter to Casey Anthony if I forgive her? Does it matter to Jesus if I forgive Casey Anthony?

I believe that in order for one to receive forgiveness one must be willing to acknowledge their sins. The Sacrament of Penance requires three acts of the penitent, namely, contrition, confession and satisfaction. Moreover, the satisfaction by which the penitent atones for their sins is a true worship of God.

This is not something I have made up - this is what the Church teaches and it was made very clear by the Council of Trent.

So what does this mean? It means that my forgiveness of Casey Anthony is not enough to wipe clean her sins. In fact, my forgiveness of her does not affect her at all. I am not a priest. As far as I know, she is not a Baptized Catholic. So whether I forgive her or not amounts to what my mother would call 'a hill of beans' which, in case you are wondering, isn't much.

So what does it mean for me to forgive her?

When the Apostle asked Jesus how often one should forgive he or she who wrongs me, Jesus said to forgive that person 'seven times seven' - meaning, over and over and over again. He did not say anything about the person who needs forgiveness asking for it or even deserving it. In fact, I suppose one could argue that He was presuming that the sinner was not repentant simply by telling us we have to forgive over and over and over again. Obviously, true repentance would mean the person committing the sin recognizes their problem and tries like heck to stop doing it. But Jesus did not say the other person had to be truly repentant.

If I forgive her, or my brother, or my sister or any of the people who have wronged me in my life I am freeing myself from the power their anger and hatred have over me. Because, let's face it, one of my character defects is my desire to be loved by those I love, which is exactly what Jesus did NOT do.

Jesus sacrificed Himself for ALL humans, not just those who loved Him while He was here on earth. He sacrificed Himself for St Peter, for Mother Teresa of Calcutta, for Johnny Jump Up down the street, for Hitler and for me. He did not differentiate between those who would walk with Him and those who would outright reject Him.

And I have to admit that while my desire is to be universally loved and admired and to never EVER hit the bumps in the road that come from being rejected by the world, I have tried the way of 'get along with everyone' and it caused me to lose my immortal soul. It was only when I embraced my cross, came Home to Holy Mother Church and said, "Ok..I am going to try this again, one day at a time" that my soul was washed clean of mortal sin and I started to feel at peace.

My prayer for all those people in the world who are lost as I was lost is that they find their way to Christ. I know it is not fashionable and flies in the way of ecumenism, but I truly believe that if they could find their way to the Fullness of Faith they will find their way to true peace. As long as they continue to be their own magisterium, they will be in pain and conflict with those around them.

THE Church (not my church or the church being built across the street) teaches that we are to put on the mind of Christ, the armor of God and walk with Him towards Calvary. It is not easy and it is not always fun, but along that path we find joy and forgiveness and fulfillment.

So I pray, each day, for the repose of the soul for little Caylee and all those children who met death at the hands of those who were supposed to protect and defend them. And I pray each day that those who perpetrated such acts of violence against their children, find their way to the forgiveness that is freely offered by Jesus Christ.

I know what it meant when I received it - and my life, since then, has been second to none.

I did not Come Home because of one Priest

2011-07-06T01:13:00.000-07:00

Today you would think that I would be all up in arms about the Casey Anthony Verdict. I would like to be but I can't. Much like my feelings about the OJ Simpson case, if I had been on the jury I would have really really really wanted to convict OJ or Casey but the prosecution did not make their case.

No, I want to take a moment to reflect on the statement issued by the Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity (SOLT).

Read the statement here.

SOLT is the order that Father John Corapi belongs to - still - and their investigation into the allegations brought against this famous and illustrious preacher have uncovered some very disturbing things.

Sorting through our emotions surrounding the situation has caused friendships to shatter, well meaning Catholics to rush willy-nilly after the woman who brought the accusations and bombard her with messages on FB and others to attack the integrity of the Bishop of San Antonio.

I have written about this situation (I hesitate to call it a scandal because, quite frankly, Father John Corapi is just not that important in the grand scheme of things) and talked with the woman involved (briefly - through FB). Let me say that I have no insider knowledge, no first hand accounts and certainly my opinion is just that - an opinion.

I have read the badly worded articles written by people like Wayne from Modesto. He insists that these kinds of situations could be avoided if only Rome would change the celibacy requirement for Latin Rite priests (I don't mean to sound derisive but this is the same guy who is insistent that Rome killed MILLIONS of innocent Baptists in the third century under Constantine and that the book River of Blood is good scholarship. When I pointed out to him that the book had been renounced by its own author, he called me names and told me to repent.). After all, it seems logical to allow a man who suffers from Alcoholism and Drug Addiction and, under the influence, has sex with prostitutes to get married BEFORE he takes his priestly vows. Shoot, maybe if we let all priests have the option to marry, the pedophiles could father their own victims, thereby sparing the surrounding community, right?

ANYWAY - off track...sorry. I get a little fired up sometimes.

OK, so here is what I wanted to address:

I am going to assume for the moment that SOLT knows what they are doing and that they are not involved in a large-scale clandestine attack on Father John Corapi for whatever reason. I am going to assume that the allegations have been proven and that he is in dire need of treatment for his illness and he needs to have his chain yanked big time before he does something even more spectacularly stupid, like Father Cutie, and end up smoking crack on the beach during Spring Break with 16 year olds wearing bikinis. Then he would have to become an Episcopalian priest too.

(oops...now I have to go to confession for being snarky...mea culpa).

Anyway, I am going to assume all this for right now and ask myself a question:

WHY ARE YOU A CATHOLIC, LESLIE?

Like St Thomas Aquinas approached the question "Who is God?" I am going to start with why I did NOT return Home to Rome 19 years ago.

I am not a Catholic because of one priest's incredible talent for preaching the Truth.

I did not come Home to Rome because of Karl Keating's website.

I did not come Home because Jimmy Akin is a great apologist.

I did not come Home because of Pope John Paul II.

Ultimately, I came home because I had no where else to go.

I am a legitimate seeker of Truth. I know it does not lie solely within me and so had to reject the Eastern Philosophies that concentrate on inner meditation. I know there is a God and it is not ME.

I sensed that there was really only two ways to go in terms of religiosity: Judaism and Christianity. The ancient Pagan religions are cute and funny but fall apart after a strong rainstorm blows 'god' over. The idea of a Creator being in the heart of every woman and man as well as the demonstrations of how that Creator reached down to His creatures just has a deep ring of TRUTH to it.

So my journey had to be discovering TRUTH, not just looking for a church with a great preacher or a rocking Christian band or lots of great parties in the Hall. I searched and searched and found the philosophers of Christianity pointing over and over to the IDEAL we need to achieve...and never really can while on this earth.

THAT is what intrigued me - the idea that this is what I need to do: Love one another, help one another, forgive those who persecute me and try to hurt me and do all of this in the name of Someone Bigger than ME! Oh, and don't forget to go against every human instinct for comfort, for sex, for prosperity and fortune and fame in order to get something better - both inside and in the next life. Remember too, Leslie, that you will be ridiculed for remaining celibate because you are not married, told you are believing in a Fairy Tale because you accept Holy Scripture as the Word of God and a homophobic hater because you accept Church Teaching on homosexuality. Your own family will reject you and shake their heads over your sudden Religious Fanaticism.

Oh and remember, Leslie...understand that while you really want to be a good Catholic you will never do it well for any extended period.

Of course I also know that, while I can end up in Hell if I reject Him, He promised not to leave me an orphan. He said He will give me the means by which to achieve the impossible - but YOU, Leslie, will have to be open to the idea that the means will work and the impossible can be attained.

I will give you a CHURCH and SACRAMENTS and a BIBLE and a MAGISTERIUM to help you...and I will give you the ability to be the best Leslie on the planet, if you just keep trying one day at a time.

Father Corapi did not live up to his part of the bargain, but the amazing thing is that the Holy Spirit used this sinful, alcoholic drug addict to spread TRUTH....he never spoke falsehood. Like a Borgia Pope, incapable of striking at the heart of TRUTH, he could not alter or profane or otherwise mess up in his actual preaching....and that is where the challenge is going to be for his followers.

But for someone like me, who follows CHRIST, this is just a sad and awful situation. It is not the end of the world. Father Corapi is not the first and will not be the last man to profane his priestly office....and yet, on and on goes The Church.

Because Jesus did not say, "You are Peter and upon this Rock I shall eat my LUNCH".

Thank you, Lord for my life today....and keep me walking towards You.

amen

Art of Civility - Lost forever?

2011-07-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

Read this editorial today, just for fun.

I am thinking about the days when someone using the 'F' was looked upon as trashy.

Do you remember that time?

There is a lacking of civility in today's culture and it is wrong to put the kind of derogatory language into the same category as Free Speech. The right to speak your mind and share your opinions is not the right to spew filth over someone you disagree with, or you are angry with - and I object to the idea that telling someone they are a bastard or to f**k off is my right.

Freedom of Speech and freedom of expression means that I cannot be thrown into jail or lose my right to participate in my government because I believe abortion is murder, gay marriage is a false idea, The Eucharist is the Source and Summit of Christian Faith or that the Niners are the greatest football team on the planet.

It means I can vote for the legalization of marijuana and tell people I support that without being stripped of my property or held under house arrest.

But at some point we expanded the concept of Freedom of Speech to include LICENSE in all we do - and Freedom is not License.

Freedom, true freedom, is our absolute right to do what is good and strong and loving and moral - yes, Moral. I know the 'M' word is unpopular but our society, secular or not, has the right to define moral behavior. That is what our laws do - we believe it is immoral for a thug to rip a purse off the arm of an 80 year old lady so we make that action illegal and if the thug gets caught indulging in that particular behavior they are punished.

They do not have the right to behave in a way the society deems to be wrong.

I firmly believe that if an artist or poet or writer wishes to express themselves in a way that is profane or ugly they have the right to do so - and to solicit private funds and to sell their stuff to those who wish to buy it. I do not want it in the hallways of a public school. If I want to go and hear the presentation at a poetry slam, that is my business. I don't want the police to shut down an art gallery or pull books off a shelf. I believe that, in a capitalist society if there is a market for that which I find offensive then let them sell it.

I don't want to support it and I won't buy it, simple as that - kind of like my right to turn off the tv or even get rid of tv if I am disgusted by what is on it.

I do not want to pay taxes for it, I do not want the government to fund it.

If there is a market for something that society deems as being disgusting, then those who want to be a part of that will pay the price. The fact that there seems to be a horrifically large market for child porn, for instance, does not mean there should be child porn. Society has defined that as immoral and illegal - participate at your own risk.

I guess what is amazing to me is that the boundaries of decency are pushed every day and supported by the philosophy of subjectivism - this is my business and I am ok with it so therefore it is my truth and you must honor my truth in order to honor me as a human being. The link between moral relativism and subjectivism is so strong- and I see how I can fall prey to that thinking. It is only by demanding more of myself that I can keep from falling into that moral quagmire: it is not about what is good for ME, it is about what is good for the WHOLE. And yes, my idea of what is good for the whole may differ from yours but that does not mean we cannot come to a reasonable way in which to accommodate both ideas.

I love being an American. I love living in an age where the works of great minds, great thinkers, great saints and great statesmen and women are as close as the click of a button. Last night, Mom and I went down to The Plantation Coffee House to have an iced tea - and had the loveliest discussion with another patron about Eusubius of Cesearia. How blessed am I to live in a place that gives me that kind of freedom?

Thank you, Lord, for my life today. It is rich. It is full. It is challenging.......GO GIANTS.

Doctrine and Dogma - Conversations with Christians

2011-06-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

DOCTRINE. Any truth taught by the Church as necessary for acceptance by the faithful. The truth may be either formally revealed (as the Real Presence), or a theological conclusion (as the canonization of a saint), or part of the natural law (as the sinfulness of contraception). In any case, what makes it doctrine is that the Church authority teaches that it is to be believed. This teaching may be done either solemnly in ex cathedra pronouncements or ordinarily in the perennial exercise of the Church's magisterium or teaching authority. Dogmas are those doctrines which the Church proposes for belief as formally revealed by God. (Etym. Latindoctrina, teaching.)
********************************************

I am having a great conversation with a fellow Christian, someone who refers to themselves as a Reformed Baptist. Having no idea what the dogma of a Reformed Baptist is, I went to a former Reformed Baptist (Patty at Abbas Little Girl blog) for some information. I am also waiting for my friend to give me some information from his perspective, as Patty is what she jokingly refers to a a Recovering Calvinist.

There are some problems with terms - my friend does not understand the how The Church can have different Rites within it but that all are united through the acceptance of Dogma and Doctrinal teachings. He rejects the idea that there are 33k or more protestant denominations and feels that because there are liturgical differences between, say, those Catholics in South Boston and those in Southern Mexico that no all Catholic believe the same thing.

So we are teaching him, a bit at a time, the difference between RITES and beliefs, and witnessing to the uncomfortable truth that a bad Catholic is someone who is not in complete communion with the beliefs of The Church. We are learning the difference between someone in Schism (say, Mel Gibson, who rejects Vatican II teachings or the primacy of the Bishop of Rome or thinks the true Pope is some guy in Seattle with the right looking outfit) and someone who is a Heretic (a Christian who rejects Christian teachings, either in whole or in part - like an Albigensian or a Gnostic or a Mormon).

He is, I believe, a little surprised that the fat little blonde from Modesto has been well taught. But I have wonderful teachers: Akin, Staples, Corapi (before he went nuts) as well as the CCC, the incredible professors and theologians at Franciscan University, Father Joseph Illo and Barbara Morgan....the list goes on and on and on.

That does not count the saints and writers and teachers I have been exposed to (thank you, Monsignor and Dr Willey) that has logically and with great patience built a case for Christianity that predates canonized Scripture.

What I have learned is this: if one relies solely on Holy Scripture one has a solid foundation but no walls and no insulation and roof to their house. The preparation for that foundation came as Holy Scripture was being written - and those people, the martyrs and priests and theologians who took the time to write things down so I can read their experiences 2000 years later are the REAL heroes of The Faith. They believed without a Bible.

I want to be like them. And I cannot find that in a Baptist Church - I can only find it in the Church CHRIST founded.

And that is where I am.....thank you, Jesus!

Welcome Home, Ryan!

2011-06-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

The flag being presented to Julie and Dean is in recognition for all the support, love, help and prayers they gave to 1st Platoon during their service in Afghanistan.

Ryan Week and Corapi Updates

2011-06-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ryan, my nephew, returned from his combat duty in Afghanistan this past week. He is skinny but fit, healthy and happy - but not the same ol' Ryan. Nope, he is the new and improved Ryan.

He is a man, with a lovely sense of humor, a sweet disposition and willing to do things for his Auntie that would probably have driven him to drink when he was here before (and probably did drive him to drink, though he denied it at the time).

Last night, for instance, he let me give him a party. Not just any party, a party at the Parish. He came to Mass with me and Grandma, George and Marla. He brought a present for Julie and Dean that he and I had cooked up (an American flag, flown by his Platoon and signed by all the guys in his squad, as a Thank YOU to J and D for all they do).

We had a HUGE cake and balloons and coffee and streamers and soda...and two dvds about Ryan and about the St Joseph Ministry.

He came with his great friends, Adam, Kris and Jessica (Kris' wife - how he got such a gorgeous girl I will NEVER KNOW - just kidding, Kris). He was gracious, he was kind, he was funny and I cannot tell you how much I appreciated him being so lovely to all my parish friends.

One of the things that have been tough with me, and that my dear readers have known, is my strained relationships with family members. Lots of them have been saddened and put off by my return to the Catholic Faith ten years ago (or has it been 15? I lose track when I have fun). They liked it better when I did not go to Mass every Sunday, pray every day and go to Confession once a week. When I was not doing that, I let them take advantage of my need to be loved by human beings.

And that rarely happens today - oh, I am not perfectly aligned with God's Will every day but I am trying. Which is, of course, the difference between those Christians who believe salvation and redemption is a one-time "I'M IN" kind of thing and Catholics who have the fullness of Faith. We know, because we know we are good solid creatures of God with a taste for sin, that we have to be on guard every day. We have to work to keep our salvation - it is not a done deal - which is why the proper Catholic response to "Are You Saved?" is Biblical:

I am saved, I am being saved and my hope lies in the Mercy of God that I may BE saved.

But I digress:

because I have been lonely for family connections, I have had to cultivate some friendships within the Church. I have had to learn that my true leaning must be on God, the Triune God of Christianity, but that my Parish Family might have to actually BE my family.

That is why yesterday was so cool. People from the Parish came to welcome Ryan home. Julie and Dean were there - George and Marla, John and Barbara, Pam and Stephen and Jillian - family WAS there and that was so fabulous. I guess what I am trying to say is I saw how my blood family and my spiritual family could come together to welcome one of our own home from War.

And Ryan, bless his little Army heart, put up with us fussing over him with a smile.

How fabulous is that?

I have to go to work tonight. I am waiting to hear from Environmental Health regarding a possible change in jobs. It would mean going to day shift which would be hard but it would be a little closer AND I would be able to be home in Modesto in time for teaching and in time for my meetings. If I don't like it, I can still retire in March with 25 years but if I do like it I can keep working and get some more time in on my pension.

So I pray and hope for the best.

A weird thing has happened on FB regarding Corapi. Apparently a group of Corapi Supporters (not a bad thing, please do not misunderstand me) discovered the name of the person who lodged the complaint against Father with the Bishops. They have been bombarding her FB page with pleas to stop the madness, to tell the truth, etc etc etc.

Now, oddly enough, she has made some other claims that are pretty spectacular. She claims his real name is Coradi, that he was never in the military (but his records are on line at the network that helped me find out about Rick Seguin's phony claims) and that he had tried to seduce her grown daughter under a fake FB profile.

I actually spoke to her on line, and she responded. I did not push it...I told her that I have no idea who is telling the truth and who is not at this point, but that I did not agree with the bombardment and that if she felt threatened she needs to go to FB authorities and have it stopped OR she needs to get off the Internet. I shared with her the stalking stuff I went through and she thanked me.

She seems pleasant enough but the entire situation is just getting weirder and weirder. My heart breaks for SOLT; what a scandal to have to put up with and why now?

I agree that Father is a powerful teacher and preacher - but again, and I may be completely wrong, something just does not seem right about this entire episode.

More shall be revealed.........

St Thomas Aquinas

2011-06-23T04:06:00.000-07:00

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.

- St. Thomas Aquinas

As more and more information comes out about the situation with Father Corapi, a few things are becoming clear to me.

1) It is going to be difficult to be able to criticize him without getting slammed by his supporters.

2) People are truly hurt - I mean WOUNDED - by his decision to leave the priesthood.

3) It is going to be difficult to be supportive of him without getting slammed by his detractors.

As I have stated in my previous blog posts, I am truly puzzled by his course of action. I know how painful it is to be falsely accused. I know how frightening it is to be stalked - both online and in the real world. I understand all of that, I really do.

However, the shoulders I stand on as a Catholic are the shoulders of Martyrs and Saints who let people kill them rather than deny the Truth of the Catholic Faith - The Eucharist, Right from Wrong, the existence of The Triune God.

I have a standard of behavior to live up to as a practicing Catholic and it does not include quitting because there have been tough times for a year, or four and a decade...good Lord, those priests in prison in China because they will not stop being priests, or who spent decades in Gulogs or in exile...come ON now...

When I was drinking and drugging, 19 years ago, I walked away from my Catholic heritage and then wondered why no one thought I was worth anything at all. I gave up at the drop of a hat. If there was the least bit of resistence to my goals or desires or wants then I just dropped to my knees and wimpered.

Today, because of the Sacramental Life, I do not have to do that anymore. Not only can I stand strong in the face of hatred and lies and injustice, I can do so with the knowledge that I am just one of many in a long line of people stretching back 2000 years - a line of people who stood up to tyranny and said, "Tough toe nails...that is my God, that is my Church and that is Truth. You don't like it? Kill me".

Like St Thomas Aquinas, I don't think this has to be an either/or situation - either you are with Father Corapi or you are against Father Corapi.

I think it can be both/and: I can be with him...and want him to plant his feet on the Rock and say, "Go ahead..bring it on...this is one priest you are NOT going to destroy".

And with that, I continue to pray.

My thoughts on Father Corapi

2011-06-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

http://theblacksheepdog.us/

The above link will take you to the odd and rather bizarr - o -world announcement made by Father John Corapi the night before the 20th anniversary of his ordination into the priesthood.

I have had several people ask me my opinion on this turn of events and, frankly, it has taken me awhile to be able to get my thoughts in order.

I am saddened. I am shocked. I am confused. I am a little bit angry at him for giving up and taking matters into his own hands.

And I am absolutely convinced that nothing happens in God's Universe by mistake.

Just as I have no influence over that strange little man, Wayne2008, over at The Swarm (he is absolutely convinced that Catholics killed MILLIONS of Baptists after Constantine legalized Christianity and nothing, I mean nothing short of a direct communication from Jesus Christ will convince him he is wrong - and even then he would argue with Our Lord), I have no influence over this middle-aged, alcoholic/addict who has taught so many people about the Truth of the Catholic Faith.

His influence on catechises has been tremendous. The man has done well, done better than most to teach Catholics the beauty of their faith. Many people returned to the practice of the One True Faith because of the teaching methods employed by Father Corapi.

It would be wrong to deny his good work - just as it would be a lie if I told you I think what he is doing is right.

To throw a tantrum and leave the priesthood after four months of suspension - deserved or not - smacks of ulterior motives on his part. He leaves more questions than answers and he is headed for a huge fall if you ask me.

It is as though Jesus lead him to a Cross and said, "This is where I want you to unite yourself with Me" and he went , "Yeah but I won't be able to be on television anymore if I do that!" and he left.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen, who won Emmy awards for his work on TV, fell out of favor towards the end of his life. The public rejected him as old-fashioned, people did not flock to hear him preach any more...you know what he did?

He visited Catholics and non-Catholics in old age homes, hospitals, institutions. He said Mass every day, heard confessions privately and conducted himself with grace and dignity. He smiled with love on all of us to the very end, out of the limelight and away from the applause.

He is a saint.

Padre Pio was restricted in his ministry by his Bishop for a long time...and he bore that suffering with grace and dignity.

He is a saint.

John Corapi, he of the television show on EWTN and the grand speaking engagements where 10s of thousands of people show up, has been asked to not sue the woman accusing him of inappropriate conduct so that the investigation can go through without her being under undo pressure. He has refused, stating that to do so means he is giving up his 'civil and human rights' and that she will be able to make her accusations without any 'downside'.

Do you want to know what he is suing her for?

Defamation? Slander? Libel?

nope.

He is suing her for violating the confidentiality clause all the employees of Santa Cruz Ministry must sign....and under Canon Law she cannot be deposed if she is under undo pressure from civil authorities...this is a result of that Inquisition thing we are always having thrown in our face. The Church never tortured anyone..the civil authorities did and then we would show up and extract our 'confessions'.

And NO Wayne, MILLIONS were not killed during the Spanish Inquisition...read YOUR history.

So the question becomes, is John Corapi being asked to give up his civil rights or is he being asked to hold off so the Church authorities can do their job?

I loved listening to Father Corapi. I will miss his shows. I will not be a part of this weird cult thing he is starting because it smacks of rebellion against true Authority and it feels hinky.

I was taught a long time ago, that if something feels hinky, it is hinky...that is the truth.

And The Truth shall set you free.

For a much better analysis of this who situation, may I suggest going to the National Catholic Register and reading the piece done by Jimmy Akin? He is a marvelous writer, man of wit and humor and a Catholic Out Loud.

The Art of Becoming a Good Person

2011-06-20T03:05:00.000-07:00

Be a saint...what else is there?

This particular tag line was used by Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN, for years and years and years. Hearing it makes me smile. But is there a deeper message behind this little bit of religious wisdom?

Pleasure and comfort have become idols in modern society, so that anything that leads to pleasure and comfort is to be pursued while anything that seems to detract from either of these worshipful states is not only to be avoided; rather they are to be villified.

Thus we cannot deny ourselves anything...we cannot suffer for the good...and morality becomes based on opinion rather than objectivity.

Subjectivism: the position where we know our thoughts/our sense impressions or our interior selves more than that which happens outside ourselves.

The Subjectivist does not know anything outside of themselves - and from this "but it is good for ME" arises Relativism.

The Catholic Church teaches that we must follow our conscience - St Thomas Aquinas says our conscience is the Herald of God - even if our conscience is badly formed. HOWEVER, and most people do not understand this, if we are responsible for forming our conscience, and we either willfully neglect that task or we purposefully form it in an immoral manner (yes, that means we must have an outside, objective norm established for good and bad) then we are sinning when we follow our conscience.

In other words, if I do not know any better I have an obligation to follow my conscience and if I DO know better but purposefully immerse myself in horrible philosophy or ideas in order to be in lockstep with whatever culture surrounds me, well then, heck...I am following a conscience that has been badly formed. And I am not doing anything about it.

And that is not good.

It seems to me that too often I have clung to the idea of "I'm not perfect" as a kind of raft in a sea of troubling problems. If I hold onto that raft, I won't sink but neither will I be able to really ride the waves to shore. The raft is just a raft, it is not powerful enough to help me negotiate the choppy seas of hatred and immorality and sadness that weigh down the culture. But if I get ahold of a speedboat, I am in a better position to reach the shore: to step onto the solid ground of faith and love.

So where do I find a speedboat?

Holy Mother Church.

The Sacramental Life.

The Liturgical Life.

Prayer/Penance/Service.....

What do you think? Do you think you have an obligation to pursue the line of thought that says, "Good and Bad ARE objective. " and thereby properly form your conscience?

Or is that too scary?

Father? Where for art thou?

2011-06-19T02:26:00.000-07:00

Interesting that today, Father's Day, is also the Feast of the Holy Trinity on the liturgical calendar. It is interesting because St Augustine used the example of the family - father/mother/child - as a teaching tool when trying to explain the concept of The Holy Trinity to the Catechumen. The father loves the mother who loves him in return - both of them giving fully of themselves to each other. That love for each other creates a distinct person - the child - who loves them both in return. That mutual love is what creates the family.

St Augustine likened that love that makes one thing - a family - to the love that is God; self-giving, unselfish in all ways, constant and complete - creating unto itself the three distinct persons that are Our Triune God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

And of course the analogy is weak because all our attempts to understand that which is infinite, all powerful and all knowing will fall short. What was it St Thomas Aquinas said about his writings on The Trinity? That they were all straw?

So on today's Feast of The Holy Trinity, we celebrate our love for our Father and our love for our fathers - good, bad or indifferent.

We also look with troubling eyes on the ongoing struggles of Father John Corapi.

Ash Wednesday of this year an announcement was made by Father Corapi that he was being suspended from his preaching duties, restricted in his ministry (no public Mass, no hearing confessions) while allegations of sexual misconduct with an adult female were investigated.

We were all saddened and shocked and I have no doubt the accusations are false. I thought of St Padre Pio and the ban he was put under by his Bishop. My friend Dan reminded me of Solanus Casey who endured YEARS of abuse within his own community....and I was sure Father Corapi would endure this hardship with grace, dignity and his head held high (but with humility...as appropriate for a Catholic priest).

Yesterday, the day before his 20th anniversary of ordination, Father Corapi announced he was going to leave the priesthood.

He wrote on a new blog: blacksheepdog.us is where I think it is....and it is the saddest, strangest, angriest, announcement - it was not what I expected from him and I am troubled. Deeply troubled.

I know exactly how hard it can be to endure false accusations - I was cyberstalked for a long time by GM and I was falsely accused at work and had to prove myself innocent (a very difficult task...how do you prove you did NOT do something?). If I had walked away from my job during that time I would have simply been walking away from a job...not a VOCATION and certainly not something as important as the priesthood.

Look, I am not judging Father Corapi - I do not know the details and I do not know what he has endured these past weeks. Maybe he just realized he cannot be exonerated and this truly is the best thing for him to do...but it feels weird and hinky and like a big ol' tantrum and Golly, I hope I am wrong in my assessment.

What I hope is that, with time for prayer and reflection, he may cool down a bit. He is a hot tempered Italian guy...I know the type.

I have a slew of them in my own family.

Happy Father's Day everyone....may God shower you with grace and love!

Freedom or Subtle Attack on Religion

2011-06-14T05:43:00.000-07:00

The City of San Francisco has fallen far in the past several decades, being reduced to a mere mockery of itself. What was once a place that was both free-wheeling and devout, where Believer and Wild Child were equally valued by its unique culture, San Francisco has become a place where you are vilified if you do not fall into place with those who view themselves as 'progressive thinkers'. There is no tolerance in the city named for the Saint who believed that it is by forgiving that one finds forgiveness and that it is better to love than be loved.....

this article, however, just blew me away.

What caught my eye was the comic book character created by the supporters of this idea that portrays a Mohle as someone out to harm children.

I am used to having to regularly explain to anti-Catholics why I am not a homo-phobic hater of those who live lifestyles I find morally wrong. What I am surprised at by this push to outlaw circumcision is that all those who believe that truth is relative and what is good for you is just that and should never be pushed onto me are not standing up and shouting, "ARE YOU CRAZY?'.

When are those who pretend to promote freedom of expression and worship going to stand up against this type of behavior?

My opinion? They do not because they recognize this kind of push for what it really is - an attack on organized religion and they are fine with attacking that which is foreign to THEIR lifestyle and expect to do so with impunity.

I doubt this law will pass in November; however it is another example of how beautiful Baghdad-By-The-Bay is becoming a secular version of Pakistan - only the war is being waged by those who hate religion in general, and God in particular.

Veni Sancte Spiritus

2011-06-12T02:53:00.000-07:00

Today is the Feast of Pentecost - the Birthday of Holy Mother Church.

There they were, huddled for protection next to Our Blessed Mother, praying and scared that they were to be the next ones to die. The sound of the Holy Spirit filled the room and tongues like fire appeared above their heads. Suddenly these scared little men were transformed into Lions for The Lord.

What a blessing that must have been to witness such an event! How Mary's heart must have been soothed to see all that her Precious Son had died for begin - the great mission of The Church springing forth from that tiny room.

On Saturday I attended my third Dominican Chapter meeting and what a great way to spend a Saturday morning. We listened to a wonderful presentation on the Sacrament of Holy Orders, particularly how the discipline of celibacy developed from Biblical times to be the preferred state for men following The Call to serve Holy Mother Church as one of Her priests. The historical background filled in a lot of the gaps of the normal philosophical arguments and it was great to be surrounded by calm, intelligent, vibrant people - all eager to learn more about their Church and Her history.

I am still struggling with learning how to pray the Liturgy of the Hours. I purchased an AP for my iPhone that seems to help; at least it is easier for me to follow than flipping back and forth between pages in my Christian Prayer book.

The sadness I feel today is over the capitulation of the local Episcopal Church to the culture that runs the world. I know that many people think that what they did (agreeing to bless same-sex or non-married 'unions' as 'HOLY LOVE') is 'inclusive'. Is it?

I don't think so - and I don't think so because it is action based on lies.

The lie that theological principles should be democratically decided is the lie that is killing Christians in this nation. Oh, we rarely have to worry about someone beating us up, raping us, dragging us through the streets naked or otherwise imposing their physical will upon us because we are Catholics (Welcome to Pakistan - may I show you to your hiding place?). No, we have to endure the slings and arrows of those who believe that confirming someone in their sin is somehow kind and gentle and inclusive - and loving.

It is not loving to let someone kill their own souls all for the sake of being popular.

BUT - this is America, land of the free and home of the whopper so no one is going to force the Episcopalians to be anything but what they want to be: popular.

I have met a lot of Catholics who left the Church to become Episcopalian and it is interesting to me: none of them have left because, after studying the Catechism, the Early Church Fathers and Holy Scripture, they decided they found the church Jesus founded and so they needed to join in order to be in His Presence.

Instead, I have heard "I don't like that women cannot be priests" or " I think priests should be able to get married" or "they will do Gay Marriages".

I have never met a Catholic who joined a once-saved-always-saved group because, after serious study of ancient history, philosophy, Church Doctors and Early Church Fathers said, "Yup - right over there at the Assembly of God Power Wagon Temple and Coffee Shop is the real presence, the true authority...TRUTH".

I have heard, "I liked the music and preaching better" or "I felt the spirit" or "I did not like our priest" or "I was divorced and wanted to get married again and the Catholic Church said I couldn't" ....

In other words "me me me me me".

Oh sure, there are those who pretend they did a deep and meaningful study of true history but it is impossible, as Bl. John Henry Newman said oh so many years ago, to be deep in history and remain outside The Catholic Church.

Well, I know we will be getting a run of people at RCIA now as a result of the decision to be popular rather than faithful.

Meanwhile, I will keep studying and praying and wishing and a hoping for that day when all Christians can partake of The Eucharist because we are truly One Body.

what a FABULOUS Weekend!

2011-06-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

I spent three days with like-minded women, looking at Step Three and trying to determine how effectively we are applying the principle of that step to our lives.

"Made a decision to turn our will, and our lives, over to the care of God as we understand Him".

The full impact of this step did not hit me until I was 2 years sober. Supremely aware of what a great member of my 12 step program I was, quite smug in the program I was working (lots of meetings, lots of service, lots of sponsees) I was waiting for God to fulfill His part of the bargain. I knew He would because I had been told that God wanted me to be 'happy, joyous and free'. And since I had a very definite idea of what would make me happy, I was simply waiting for God to grant me my wishes as though He were some sort of Magic Genie from fanciful Arabian Tales.

Surely God would bring me the husband, the job, the house, the body, the children, the STUFF I wanted - that was what would make me happy, joyous and free. My job was to continue doing what I was doing - not because I loved it or because it was the right way to live my life, and certainly not because the way I was living was in sharp contrast to the hedonistic life style of me-me-me that I had been living while actively drinking. Rather, I was to live this way as a kind of quid pro quo with my Creator - I do this and He rewards me.

Well, shoot.

It hit me one day (at two years sober, sitting on the shores of Lake Tahoe, doing my morning prayers) that I had never bothered to ask GOD what He wanted of me. What if, I suddenly thought, my life exactly as it was at that moment was it....that is the gift from my Creator and He had provided me with the vehicle to be happy, joyous and free? No husband, no children, no home with my name on the deed, no size 8 body and a job that barely paid the bills.....could I be happy, joyous and free exactly as I was? Could I say, "Thank you, Lord, for my life today?".

What am I, stupid?

Of course the answer was as resounding, "NO!". The very thought hit me so hard that I reacted physically, bursting into tears and crying all the way down the mountain. The idea that I had been sitting, sober, in meetings for TWO YEARS only to discover that maybe, just maybe, I had been approaching my life with all the maturity of a teen ager, was startling and frightening.

I truly wanted to be someones wife and someones mother - how could God not see that and hear my prayers? I truly wanted a 'good life' as defined by the American Dream - a home, a family and financial security. There is nothing particularly wrong with that - so why did this thought come to me NOW?

Looking back, I believe that I was given that sudden insight into my own childishness because it was time for me to grow up. That beginning, that struggle with self will, really began the journey that continues today. A deepening of love between me and God, an acceptance of HIS plan for me, an understanding of what independence and freedom can come from obedience to spiritual principles and to His Church.

I have rarely removed posts from this blog, even those that reveal me to have been wrong about someone or whiny or terribly concerned with my own comfort. There are people who have gone back through all my posts, searching for those mistakes and horrible decisions I made as a way to discredit me and I get it - it is difficult and painful to read everything about a person, rather than just their public persona. I make them uncomfortable - I admit, before God and everyone, that I am a sinner, a mangy donkey struggling with self and constantly surrendering one more time to the Will that is best for all (not just me) because it is LOVE itself.

I hope that when people read this blog they see a woman who is trying to be honest about her own fears and failings. I know that opens me to attacks, but Jesus told me to REJOICE in those attacks because it means I am walking the right path.

To be a Catholic is difficult...it means we KNOW we can screw up and lose our salvation. It means acknowledging our shortcoming and our need for a Sacramental/Liturgical Life. It means not taking the easy way out - the 'once saved always saved' stunted theology of the Calvinist who feared the word 'obedience' and saw the failings of men as the failings of The Church as a whole. I understand that if it was easy to be a Catholic everyone would be one - and so it is more fun to make fun of us than to truly examine the Truth of His Teachings.

I think, however, that coming to terms with the fact that GOD'S plan for me is much different that the plan I had for myself has allowed me to slowly build a thicker armor over these past 17 years since that day of insight about the third step. Not always, of course, but most of the time I can laugh at those who think I am an object of derision and pity. I think of the women I spent the past three days with and I realize that there really are more of us than there is of them - 'us' being people committed to a life of LOVE and not of hatred and division.

Thank you, Lord, for my life today exactly as it is. I have errands to run and I have RCIA tonight and then I get to go to work. I have a meeting in the morning and an interview and then I get to stay at Debbie's house. I have a family that loves me, a Church to guide me and a God that is all.

How much better can it get?

Catholics and Free Will

2011-06-01T05:24:00.000-07:00

FREE WILL. The power of the will to determine itself and to act of itself, without compulsion from within or coercion from without. It is the faculty of an intelligent being to act or not act, to act this way or another way, and is therefore essentially different from the operations of irrational beings that merely respond to a stimulus and are conditioned by sensory objects.

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I am one of the 12 to 15 percent of the general population who suffers from the disease of Alcoholism.

When I first realized that, no matter how I planned or wished or hoped or wanted, I had reached the point of not being able NOT to drink alcohol I was devestated. The blow to my ego was like a well landed punch from a heavy weight boxer. The denial was tremendous. I fought the idea that I could not not drink any more than I could, through tremendous force of the will, fly by flapping my arms up and down. I fought so hard that my first 2 years in AA were nothing but a series of setbacks, lies and relapses. I wanted it ( IT being sobriety) but I couldn't get IT.

Something remarkable happened in 1992. On May 3 of that year I was hopeless, without the ability to go 24 hours without drinking some amount of alcohol (even if it was only a sip or a gulp). Then, like a miracle, on May 4, 1992 I went 24 hours without a drink...and I have been putting 24hrs of sobriety together every day since then without a break in the chain of sober days and nights.

So what the heck happened?

I am still the same alcoholic I was on May 3, 1992 in terms of having a physical illness that causes me to react to alcohol in a manner different from those who do NOT have the disease. If I was to drink today I would trigger the craving which would, in time, kick the compulsion into overdrive and it would not be long before I would be hiding bottles in my coat pockets and calling in sick to work with the flu. That would be followed by a quick search for the type of substance I think will keep me functioning so no one will know...which will lead to a maxing out of credit cards, a loss of job, a loss of home and eventually death under a bridge or in an alley somewhere.

I know all that - I knew it then and I know it now and the basics have not changed one iota for me in 19 years.

Why do I bring this up (again)?

Because I am thinking a whole lot about Free Will.

Catholics believe that Free Will is a true and lasting gift of love from a Creator. Rather than create organic robots who would spend their days jumping around and singing His praises, He created us in His Image and Likeness - allowing us to share in the creative process in many, many ways. The act of love creates another human being. The act of thinking creates all kinds of cool things. The actions taken to build and tinker and put paint on a canvas or words on a page can create entire worlds within worlds within worlds. And while people may assert that a roomful of Monkeys typing on computers all night every day for 100 years will produce a work of Shakespear, the reality is that hasn't happened yet....because Monkeys have other things to do and are not interested in typing on computer keyboards in order to prove a theory CREATED by a human being.

But for those of us who suffer from compulsions, how do we reconcile Free Will with fighting a disease that does not respond to will power?

I had to understand the concept of 'formation' before any of this could even begin to make sense to me: I could not run at this problem head on all by myself. It did not work. I might be able to not drink for awhile - a day, a week, even a few months. However, of myself and by myself eventually I would forget that when I drink I hurt myself and others and, mindlessly, shoot that tequila right down my own throat...just because it is there, and I have had a rough day, and people are inordinately interested in my feelings about other humans, and my goldfish died....

However, by forming my will in the likeness of One who has all power I am giving myself the chance to be something I cannot be alone: a sober, dignified woman of grace. By trying, to the best of my ability, to line up my wants and needs with those God has for me, I can defeat this disease on a daily basis - thereby, living a life that is second to none.

So the exercise of my Free Will becomes paramount to my recovery. I have to not just not drink, I have to live my life each day with the question, "What is YOUR Will, O Lord? What would YOU have me do today?".

There are people who do not do this - they exercise their own will power and one day at a time they stay sober....and if they could ever see their faces with clear eyes they would not be surprised that people shy away from them, that the only people who can be around them or interact with them are those who have made a committment to love the Creatures because the Creator loves the Creatures...and we want to be like Him.

My soldier is out of Afghanistan....THANK YOU, JESUS!!!

Life and Love and Tantrums

2011-05-31T04:54:00.000-07:00

This past weekend has been a busy one in Modesto. The online community at The Hive is a hoppin' over stuff that happened a year ago, while the same old creatures keep doing the same old stuff.

Weird.

Anyway, that is over and done. I am sure the conversations will be stopped again (poor Dan and Brian. I bet they thought this foolishness was behind them but well....).

We are discussing Justice this month at the Dominican Chapter meeting. It is interesting in light of all that is going on in the world, as well as in light of a very stimulating article my atheist friend sent me on whether or not morality can exist without the concept of Free Will. The atheist believes it can, but the arguments that were presented in the piece seemed a little strange and out of sync to me. Of course, he would say that is because I am one of those foolish religious types (remember when RS would write things like 'I am clutching my Rosary, praying for....' whatever was being discussed about the Hispanic population of Modesto?) who has been brainwashed into thinking morality only exists within the parameters of religion.

However, I think (and I could be wrong) that the article was actually just stating the old argument by St. Thomas Aquinas - that being, it is possible to discern the existence of God through the observation of the natural world. The difference seems to be that the atheist believes discerning patterns of reason simply point to a natural evolution of structure. In other words, what the believer sees as evidence of a Higher Power, the non-believer sees as simply a natural evolution of vegetable to mammal to human (big leaps there, I know, but bear with me).

He used as an argument the idea that if a child, say a four year old, playing with a loaded gun accidentally shoots a 25 year old woman and kills her, that child is not held accountable for his action despite the fact that the result is the same as when a 25 year old man deliberately decides to shoot the same woman for whatever reason (she is his wife and he hates her, she is his neighbor and he hates her, she is a stranger and he wants to kill someone for the thrill of it, etc etc etc.).

Yes, the result is the same. The intention, however, is not - which determines the degrees of culpability. This might also be mitigated by the circumstances the killer has experienced (or is experiencing). Is the killer a victim of abuse, a sufferer of mental illness, a target shooter with bad aim?

Now if I understood the article, the atheist found it wanting to assign culpability in terms of Free Will - did the person intend the results of their actions (or, in the case of mental illness, were they capable of understanding the results of their actions, or properly identifying their target, or clearly processing all the sensory input to which they are subjected every day)? And if they knew, for instance, that pointing the gun at the woman and pulling the trigger could possibly result in her death and were perfectly OK with taking that chance (in order to achieve something, anything), then can we state their actions are wrong without falling back on the idea of morality as defined by religion?

I don't think we really can.

Again, it is probably a matter of definition. What the atheist defines as feelings that come from their own brain we believers see as something more. We recognize the metaphysical - it is not just electrical impulses that happen to flow together at the right moment. It is electrical impulses flowing together for a reason - because we, as creatures, want to be safe and comfortable and happy and loved and we want OTHERS to be safe and comfortable and happy and loved. We are pained when they are not. We are hurt when some of us are cruel, or mean, lonely or hungry. We do not want to suffer, true, but we don't want others to suffer and we recognize that people who put their own comfort ahead of others are somehow doing themselves an injustice by being unjust to their own kind.

It comes out in phrases like "How could someone do...." (fill in the blank - rape a child, beat an elderly person, pretend to be a combat veteran, steal money from the poor box, etc. etc.).

Granted, only the most advanced among us seem to be able to forgive the unforgivable - but it is done, again and again and again by some of the most average people on the planet. Not the intellectuals or the billionaires but the little girl stabbed thirty times by her would-be rapist, lying on a hospital gurney and telling her priest, "I forgive him" or the man standing in a courtroom facing the killer of his only son, saying, "I forgive you".

I guess the flaw I saw in the atheist's argument was the place he stopped in his analysis. There is more nobility in human action that what he sees - and that nobility comes from something far more than a simple need for order or security. Those are great places to start, but we keep proving over and over that we do not stop there - we go beyond those borders and do things that no mere animal would consider doing simply to preserve their own species or insure their own survival. Yes, we can be horribly cruel. Yes, we can also be unfathomably mean.

But we can also be so dang beautiful towards each other - and that kind of beauty is beyond reasonable explanations.

I don't know...what do you think?

When a Woman Makes a Decision

2011-05-26T05:19:00.000-07:00

I want to direct your attention to an article in today's Modesto Bee:

this story about Moms in Modesto volunteering at a local school is an example of what happens when Women make decisions to do rather than just be - they put their beliefs into action and make that action a prayer, by its very nature of being an action of charity.

It is not always clear when we are praying, but I have come to the conclusion that the idea of Faith being DEAD without Works has been so mangled by the 'Once Saved Always Saved' camp that we have forgotten the ancient link between action (work) and worship. Because people abused this idea in the past - and it would be foolish not to acknowledge that abuse - today we have more people more afraid of being called "papists" than willing to think through the fallacy of never being able to conciously lose their salvation.

I think, and I may be wrong, that the ancient idea of the action itself being a form of worship, a kind of prayer, has to be recaptured if we are ever going to get over this "I am TOO saved and You are NOT saved, you idol worshiping Catholic You" that permeates the lives of people like James White (an angrier man I don't think I have ever read, unless it is Jack Chick).

It stands to reason that Faith and Works go together, but not in the way that anti-Catholics seem to think WE believe. We cannot work our way into heaven, any more than simply saying a Sinner's Prayer can assure us of eternal salvation.

Rather, it seems to me that the extension of the Old Covenant that Christianity is MUST be a combination of the New Rite and the Old. We carry with us into our religious life today a profound understanding and need for Liturgy. The Church has a structure, a way for Her children to pray. The difference is that we no longer need to stand outside the Holy of Holies and hope that somehow the prayers of the priests will be enough for us. Today, we not only participate in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, we participate in the priesthood - we are members of the Priesthood of the Layity. While it is not through me that mere bread and wine are transformed into The Creator of the Universe, my pariticipation in the Sacrament lends it a more complete universiality - I am important in this equation too.

But more than that is the idea that the Mass is a part of the MISSION of a True Christian - we eat Our Lord and Savior and then we take the Mission of His Church out into the streets and parks and houses and schools and stores and, and....on and on and on.

That's what these women did: while they do not have The Eucharist, they have the zeal...the need to have their Faith manifested in outward signs of Love for Jesus.

Dare I say it? Their actions have become a kind of Sacrament.

And I am proud to know them.

Another Day, Another Prayer

2011-05-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

Mom and I were talking tonight about my ideas on 'personal truth' being a code for 'my opinion is sacrosanct and worthy of worship' and she made an interesting assertion. She believes we, as a society, have so butchered the English Language that nothing means much of anything any more. And she used as her example the word "Love".

Everyone, Mom says, seems to use the word Love indiscriminately: not just "I love the Niners" as well as "I love Jesus". Rather, she says, people 'love' someone they have been friends with for 15 minutes - they hug each other at my 12 step meetings without regard for what used to be the social norms; do not discuss religion or politics at the dinner table and do not become overly familiar with someone you have known for all of 15 seconds.

She has a point - she usually does - though sometimes I cringe when she decides for no particular reason to take action on her points. For instance, she decided she was not going to shake hands hello with anyone as we walked into Mass. "Germs", she said. Crap, I thought...she is being contrary, which she is allowed to be at 89 going on 90 and after a life time of being the only sane one in the family.

Now, in my catechetical studies, we are given the rundown on the different types of Love spoken about by LOVE itself - God. There is the kind of social love - the "I love the Niners' kind of love - and there is the Agape Love - the "I will lay my life down for you" love that Jesus has for all of us. This is the type of love I have to strive for, the kind of love I need to have for my fellow creatures because my role on earth is to try my best to become 'perfect as (our) Heavenly Father is perfect'.

I am thinking, of course, that this has to hook into proper detachment from earthly things and total devotion to God - because it is my attachment that causes my sin and determines just how long someone is going to have to pray for my soul so I can get the heck out of Purgatory. And considering how many people in my family pray, I am going to be there a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG time.

I chuckle softly to myself whenever Mom goes off on one of her rants - because she often makes the statement that what I think about and say is way over her head (which I believe about as much as I believe Harold Camping knows when Jesus is coming and James White understands The Bible). The reality is, she thinks pretty deeply herself - she just chooses shorter ways to express her opinions.

Me?

I go on and on and on...because I like to lay a foundation for my thoughts so that people I respect can look at my fundamentals and say 'Yay' or 'Nay'. or YNAY if some of what I am thinking is OK.

well...back to work. Ryan comes home June 23 (I hope I hope). Pray for our brethren in Joplin, Missouri. The damage is pretty horrible. May Christ heal them, May His Mother comfort them and May His holy angels defend them.

Amen.

Rambling Thoughts of a Ramblin' Catholic

2011-05-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a very interesting few weeks around the old homestead. Not only have we been subjected to billboards and news reports of the Rapture happening on May 21 (today, btw) but I have received five telephone calls from five different people ( all members of the same 12 step program to which I belong) with complaints about one specific person. I have had to tell each of them that I no longer work with the person being complained about, as well as suggest they take their complaints about the behavior directly to that person. However, it got me thinking (which is sometimes a good thing) about how we have - as a group - caused ourselves problems by elevating our personal opinions to an almost worshipful status.

How have we done that?

We have made our opinions our 'personal truths'.

I am not sure when it happened exactly but just for fun I am going to blame it all on Oprah Winfrey.

Of course I am not being fair - I know that,so just relax.

I am just having some fun here and thinking outloud. Besides, unlike those who cling tightly to their own thoughts and proclaim those thoughts 'truth', I have no problem saying I have formed opinions over the years based on my gathering of information and my personal experiences. As my education expands, and my experiences change, my opinions may change. Case in point: I used to think religion was man-made and therefore irrelevant. My education has expanded and I now believe that REAL religion is not man made but God ordained - and then roundly mucked up by man over and over and over again.

But I digress.

At some point, during our watching (and loving) of Oprah, we accepted her proclaimation of the 'personal truth' phenomenon. We did not question her; rather, we nodded our heads as she paraded a myriad of feel-good gurus and self-proclaimed mystics (think Marianne Williamson and that weird group that touted The Secret) before us. We bought the books and DVD(s) she held up before our eyes and threw ourselves into the culture of 'finding our personal truths' and 'changing our personal truths' and 'cultivating our authentic selves' and so on and so forth.

Because on the surface, isn't that a wonderful way to pursue happiness? Find out the truth about yourself and then live that truth.

Well, it dawned on me - by reducing truth to something that is relative to each individual, we denigrate the concept to something that really doesn't mean much.

See, it used to be (50 or 60 years ago), that one would form an opinion based on their personal PHILOSOPHY, the FACTS of a situation, and their own EXPERIENCES.

Thus, it would be easy to see how a woman could progress in her maturity. She might embrace a philosophy that is relevant to a 13 year old child, be exposed to facts and experience that is age appropriate to that 13 year old child, and so have an opinion that might be incredibly different from the opinion she holds at 22 or 35 or 55. It was called maturity and growth, and allowed those with more of both to say with love to their children, "I can see why you think I should let you date that really cute 22 year old coffee house musician when you are only 14, but you are not qualified to make that decision so you may be as angry at me as you want but you are NOT getting into a car with that guy".

When I call an opinion 'truth' I am subtly elevating it to the status of something that is unassailable. Because subconciously, I believe, every one of us has deep inside a need for Truth. We are, always, striving towards Truth. That walk, that personal JOURNEY towards an Objective Truth is what can keep us on a path that allows for strength, compassion, moral objectivity and true tolerance. But if I decide, for instance, that all religions are ok simply because a bunch of people practice those religions, I am abdicating my ability to make a decision based on fact, experience and maturity. AND I am saying that all religions are the same - which makes it pretty tough to justify the City of San Francisco trying to outlaw a religious practice like cirmcumcision simply because a small group of people do NOT like it. It also makes it pretty difficult to justify outlawing human sacrifice if a religion believes it is a necessity for salvation.

At some point, I have to make a decision that something is true and something else is false. NOW - does that mean I have the right to stop someone from practicing something I have decided is false?

Well...that depends.

Circumcision? No. Human Sacrifice? Female Genital Mutilation? Sexual activity with a child under the age of 16?

Heck yeah.

I guess what I see as the problem with the phrase "personal truth" is not the philosophy behind it - which is, if I understand it correctly, a philosophy that maintains that an individual has found a way to live their life that is neither infringing upon the rights of others, nor causing them deep psychological harm and of which they are willing to accept the consequences (both here and in the hereafter). My objection to it is that it gives the practice of forming opinions a kind of Deification - a personal Deification. It is now MY TRUTH...and that makes it RIGHT and you may not ASSAIL it.

Because I have embraced a philosophy that states Truth is Objective and it is not something but Somebody, I find it easier to look for the compromises in life. Some compromises are going to be necessary for a society of many different philosophies to function properly - for the roads to be maintained and the schools to be funded. But what I do not get, and I never will, is why people believe that being hurtful and hateful is the way to get their points across.

For me, Truth is not 'mine'. Truth belongs to all of us - it is something to share with each other and it is something to which humankind has been reaching out to since our Creation. It is why Holy Mother Church can state with authority that every true expression of a religious idea has an element of truth in it and that the fullness of human searching can be found.

I know I am not the first average woman to think these thoughts and I understand that this is just off the cuff and rambling ideas being expressed here. But now that I am on a spiritual path that embraces Faith AND Reason, I think it is important to put these thoughts down on cyber paper and then share them with others.

Who knows?

I just might learn something!

MAY 4, 2011 - TODAY I AM A SOBER CATHOLIC WOMAN

2011-05-04T01:27:00.000-07:00

Nineteen years ago today I went 24 hours without a drink of alcohol, a hit off of a cocaine pipe, a pull on a joint or gulping down a pill to 'even me out'.

I have, since May 4, 1992, put 19 of those 24 hours together - one day at a time.

During this journey, I have fallen in love and been conned out of money. I have acted inappropriately at meetings and have had to make amends for that behavior. I have hated and loved and liked, been sad and happy and lonely. I have gained weight and lost weight, quit smoking, started smoking and quit again (one month today!). I have, most importantly, returned to The Eucharist and Holy Mother Church.

My decision to do so came after a dilligent search for what was true in Christian worship. I never considered myself anything but a Catholic, even during those years of pagan living and foolish, horrifying choices that reigned havoc on my soul and my body. However, I had never explored the Church's claims of being the One True Church founded by Jesus Christ until 17 years ago.

What I discovered astounded me.

Thanks to the internet, much of what was once available only to scholars and theologians with an 'in' is now available online for all the world to see. I began to read, to study and discern.

I had never read the Early Church Fathers - didn't even know what that term meant, in all honesty - because I had always assumed their writings would be too difficult and lofty for someone like me to understand. I don't read and write Latin, Greek, Aramaic...shoot, sometimes I can barely read English. How could a reasonably intelligent but woefully under-educated girl immerse herself in the writings of Origen or St Justin Martyr or St Ignatius of Antioch? How could you expect someone like ME to read St Augustine? St Thomas Aquinas? St Bernard of Clairvoix?

Are you kidding?

Well, guess what - these people, while on earth, were primarily concerned with TEACHING the FAITH. So people like me are not much different than the people they were writing to (and for) back then..and once I found that someone else had done the hard part (the translations) for me, I was able to plunge into a sea of theological debate and scholarship that is breathtaking.

And what I found astonished me.

Simply put, I discovered that if a Christian from the year 70 A.D. were to walk into Big Valley Grace in Modesto on a Sunday that Christian would not know what the heck was going on. But if that same woman or man were to walk into 9am Sunday Mass at St Joseph's, they would (after a couple of minutes) know exactly where they were and what was happening around them.

For almost 2000 years, the basic liturgical structure of worship ordained as right by the Apostles of Jesus Christ has been preserved in The Church.

Oh sure, we have added prayers and music and some rubrics for how to say and play. We have added 'the bells and smells'. But the basic structure of the most powerful prayer on the planet has not changed since our ancestors celebrated The Eucharist in the bowels of the copper mines of Palestine, hiding from their Roman Slave Masters.

The readings of the 'lives of the Apostles and of Jesus Christ'.

The 'breaking and blessing of the bread'.

The 'participation in the Lord's Supper'.

The 'collection for widows and orphans'

The 'sign/kiss of peace'.

I also discovered that if I did not accept the fact that simple bread and wine was TRANSFORMED into the actual, true FLESH AND BLOOD of MY SAVIOR, then I was not in union with all those Christians who had died defending that very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity from those who would desecrate and destroy Our Lord. To reject The Eucharist is to reject Jesus Christ. To reject His Church is tantamount to rejecting He who founded it.

I distinctly remember throwing in the towel at that point. I went to Confession and came Home.

Since that time, because of the grace received through the Sacraments of The Church, I have been able to maintain both my sobriety and my participation in the 12 Step Program that initially brought me freedom from the bondage of self. I am a better daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

I have my moments - I don't like everyone. However, I am trying to love everyone.

I am so grateful for all I have gone through in 19 years, even the bad times. Especially the bad times, I guess. I know that without pain there is no growth, and without suffering there is no redemption. As Father Corapi would say, Good Friday always comes before Easter Sunday.

And today I can welcome the Son Rise with a clean and sober heart.

Thank you, Lord, for my life today just the way it is: I would not change a thing, even if I could!

Death of Evil

2011-05-02T03:17:00.001-07:00

On May 1, 2011 President Obama addressed the nation and informed us that Osama bin Laden, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, had been killed. He was killed by US Special Forces - specifically, Navy Seals - where he was living in a luxury compound in Pakistan.

May God have mercy on his soul....

Divine Mercy Sunday and Blessed John Paul The Great

2011-04-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

We - meaning, Catholics - have been participating in an ongoing Novena to the Divine Mercy since Good Friday. Tomorrow, is Divine Mercy Sunday - a day instituted by Blessed JPII. The Divine Mercy Chaplet is simple in its elegance, similar to the Rosary but ordained by Jesus Himself as He revealed Himself to St Faustina.

The principle behind it can be summed up in one line:

Jesus, I trust in You.

Tomorrow, in Rome, John Paul II will be Beatifide - declared a Blessed among the Saints. His intercession is credited with healing a young French nun from Parkinson's Disease - the very disease which took him from us only a short time ago.

JPII lead Holy Mother Church for over a quarter of a century and many young people today knew no other Pope but him and B16, our present Holy Father. In my short life there has been Blessed Pope John the 23rd, Pope Paul VI, Pope John Paul I, Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict the 16th. I have 'known' a lot of Popes.

If there is anyone who is aware of the healing power of Divine Mercy it is me. I have lead three distinct lives - the life of a good, Catholic child, the life of a wild, pagan girl and my present life: a sober, wild, crazy, devout Catholic woman who has vowed to never walk away from The Eucharist again.

This present life is the toughest. I am very alone. Most of my family has either left the Church or are social Catholics - they do not want to leave but they don't want to have to do too much.

I understand that - I lived like that for the first two years of my sobriety. I knew, I always knew, that eventually being sober through a 12 step program would mean a return to Holy Mother Church but I was really afraid I would not be able to do the deal. And if I cannot do it right, why do it at all?

Devotion to Divine Mercy has relieved me of the need to be perfect without relieving me of the desire to do so...it is a subtle difference, I supposed, and probably seems like a matter of semantics to non-believers. However, in my mind I have come to understand that I must strive to be perfect as my Heavenly Father is perfect while accepting that I will not be able to do so while on this earth. It is the understanding of humility, understanding the need for the Sacraments, and accepting that God loves me as I turn deliberately to Him - but He loves those who turn away from Him also.

This walk towards heaven means stumbling. JPII knew that, and he knew it all too well. He knew that something horrid had happened to his Church when the sexual scandal broke. He knew he had misunderstood the work of Archbishop Romero when those thugs walked into Mass and shot him dead as he changed mere bread and wine into The Creator of The Universe. Yet he never stopped demanding the best of himself and of those around him...not because he wanted to hurt us, but because he knew we DESERVE to be our best.

I have lived a short time. I have learned so much. I have so much more to learn. Blessed Pope John Paul II, pray for me.

One more bad habit bites the dust

2011-04-27T04:37:00.000-07:00

In one hour, it will be 2 whole weeks since I last had a cigaret.

YAY FOR ME!

As a recovering alcoholic, I have never felt any shame about throwing my 'cigaret sobriety' out the window in case it ever came down to a choice between smoking and drinking. The reality of my situation is that I have never gone to jail behind a pack of Marlboros or a candy bar, so I have a difficult time with 12 step programs that center on cigarets or eating too much.

This is not any kind of condemnation of those programs; rather, it is an acknowledgment that addictions are not all the same and it is an indication of my belief that it is necessary to 'hit bottom' in order to recover. I have a feeling, for me, hitting bottom around cigarets would involve major cancer or even death - at which point, quitting becomes a 'exactly why now?' kind of question.

However, at 2 years sober I had quit smoking and maintained my quitting for eleven years. It was losing my Roddy dog, the love of my life and the dog that helped me recover from being scammed by Rick Seguin, that made picking up a smoke seem reasonable.

Well, it was time to quit. It made me smell and I burned a hole in my driver seat of my car and that is just embarassing. So, two weeks ago I put out my cigaret and prepared for the detox by warning everyone around me.

My friends were very supportive. My mother (of course) was very supportive. My family acted like "yeah, big deal" which I kind of expected since I think most of them had other important stuff on their minds.

SO - now that I am a non-smoker again I can visit the Nutritionist on Friday and begin my weight reform. After I take off 20 lbs, I will visit the next doctor and we are going to get my on the right track with this whole body thing once and for all.

I would like to be an attractive middle-aged woman by the time I retire, rather than a fat, non-smoking, grumbling middle-age woman.

Easter was beautiful. The Vigil Mass went off without a hitch and the visit to the brother's house was nice.

Hope all is well with you.

HOLY THURSDAY - the Easter Triudum Begins

2011-04-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

I begin this Paschal Weekend a new woman already - I am officially smoke free. I have not had a cigaret in 8 days and I am declaring myself before all the world as a non smoker. Next week, when I go to see the nutritionist, I will be able to say with a straight face, "Nope, I do not smoke".

And I made it through yesterday, which was not easy. Goofy stuff has started up at work again and I lost my composure in our private meeting with all the other supervisors...my downfall there has been crying when I am accused of things I did not do. I handled it before the meeting and was able to tell them that I had spoken to the employee, documented the conversation within an inch of its life and that my union and my attorney have copies of the documentation, but I also told my boss I was exhausted by the atmosphere of relativism at the department. The idea that one can be accused of something and it is just too damn bad if it is true or not, it is up to you to scramble and prove your innocence, has me beated there.

Which is an appropriate way to begin Holy Thursday, is it not? If one wishes to be united with Christ, one can start by being falsely accused and then knowing that everyone around you at your workplace thinks you are an emotional basketcase.

Ah, thank you - Lord? I mean, thank you for Loving Me but I am ready to get out of there now. Whatever lesson You wanted me to learn, may we call it even and get me OUT OF THAT PLACE?

Tonight I will take Mom and a neighbor woman to the Mass of the Lord's Supper. It is a beautiful liturgy. Our priests will wash the feet of twelve men from the congregation, we will process our Lord to 'The Garden' where He will be throughout the night. Good Friday, I am going to watch the Live Stations that my friend Julie has helped direct and the Holy Saturday is prayer day. The Easter Vigil is Saturday night and our Candidates and Catechumenate will come into full communion with Holy Mother Church.

I do not have to go back to work until Monday night.

So on today, the first day of our most holy of times in Christendom, may I remind myself that my suffering is probably of my own making and that I have to trust God in order to get through this world. I trust you, Lord. I am weary. Give me the grace to get through this time without hurting anyone or making other people suffer with me.

Let's Talk about PRUDENCE

2011-04-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Prudence is a virtue, this we know. What kind of a virtue? What does it mean to practice Prudence?

Human Virtues are firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions AND guide our conduct according to reason and faith (CCC 1804).

Well, that makes good sense, but what would it mean to have a firm attitude and stable disposition towards prudence?

Holy Mother Church teaches that there are four virtues we can know as cardinal or pivotal to our behavior: prudence, justice, fortitude and temperance. Prudence is, according to St Thomas Aquinas, the cardinal virtue that fuels all the other virtues. Because Prudence is the virtue that disposes our practical reason to discern our true good and to choose the right means of achieving it, Aquinas taught that the practice of Prudence allows for a easing flow to the other cardinal virtues. In other words, it is difficule to practice justice if we do not have the ability to put our practical reason to good use.

So I am thinking (which is not always a good thing, but could be as I get better and better at this whole Prudence thing), if I pray for the ability to apply my practical reason in a good and holy manner I can become closer to achieving the perfection of Prudence.

Of course, I also know that I can embark on this journey as long as I remember I cannot achieve perfection, I can only aim towards it.

What do YOU think?

The Gift of Prudence

2011-04-12T03:02:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I took the first step on my journey to become a professed Dominican (Third Order).

As most people know, I have loved various spiritualities within Holy Mother Church but have struggled to find one that fits me. I love the logic and passion of the Jesuits, the joy and laughter of the Franciscans, the quiet contemplation of the Carmelites.

But I stumbled across the Rule of St Dominic when listening to podcasts from St Thomas Aquinas University. That lead me to tackle some of the great man' writings. I am still trudging my way through the Summa.

I fell in love with the love of learning, exemplified by the Order of Preachers. One cannot preach on something unless one is willing to LEARN about it, which makes beautiful sense.

I also fell in love with the idea that Faith, without Reason, is not Faith but hysteria. Reason, without Faith, is not Reason but arrogance.

I saw a whole lot of hysteria and arrogance on The Hive and came periously close to falling headlong into that trap myself several times. It was then that I realized that someone as weak and fragile as this human being better have some strong and good parameters to guide her.

Enter the Lay Formation Chapter of the Dominican Order at St Joseph's in Modesto.

Once a month, I will meet with like-minded people - some fully professed religious and others full members of the Third Order (used be called Tertiaries, which I like) - to discuss, read, study and pray.

After two years, if I am still on the path, I will be considered for temporary vows.

This next month, we will be discussing 'prudence'. To give you just a smidgen of what I get to read and pray about until that time:

The virtue of prudence is the wisdom of living and acting according to the norms of eternal law, natural law (reason) and conscience. We know from both the Old Testament, especially in the rook of Sirach and throughout the New Testament, the profound insight that, though we are created by God, we are free to make our own decisions.

Natural prudence is related to the natural order and is concerned with our natural happiness. The infused virtue of prudence is concerned with our supernatural happiness that is our sanctity and eternal salvation.

Prudent has eight integral parts:
1. Memory----We are able to learn from past experience and hence the young cannot be prudent.
2. Understanding ---An insight to the meaning of the present.
3. Docility---Ability to accept counsel from those of more experience, which leads, therefore, to respect for our elders.
4. Sagacity---The wisdom to act rightly and well in an urgent situation when there is “no time to think.”
5. Reasoning---The use of intelligence to judge rightly what to do.
6. Foresight---To look ahead and see possible consequences in making the judgment of how to act.
7. Circumspection---The ability to look at angles, perspectives of a situation to get a broader view of the problem to be faced.
8. Caution---To pause, evaluate and then act.

St. Thomas gives us three ways that we may grow in prudence.
1. We grow as we use the gift of reason and learn to do good and to avoid evil.
2. We begin with approaching our life situation with common sense. We must, as we grow in other areas, grow in our moral formation which is our response to God's call to be like Him.
3. We grow as we respond to the gift of counsel.

Now, let me ask you....

do you think I am going to be able to do this?

St Dominic, pray for me. St Catherine of Sienna, hold my hand.

Reflections of a Common Catholic Rock and Roll Wild Child

2011-04-05T04:52:00.000-07:00

"If heavenly grace and true charity come in, there shall be no envy or narrowness of heart, nor shall self-love keep its hold. For divine charity overcomes all, and dilates all the powers of the soul."

St. Therese, the Little Flower

This has been a very, very strange week.

On Monday, in Texas, my cousin Greg was buried. I have not yet heard from anyone in the family there about where I may send a Mass card. However, I know that when someone dies unexpectedly, like Greg did, that little things can be let to fall through the cracks. I wish I could have been there for Walter Jr., Rex and Mark. Especially Walter, because he was here for me when Dad died. And especially Mark, because he just lost his wife a short time ago. And especially Rex, who is the Texas version of me in that he was the wild, drug using, hard drinking, rock and roll playing wacko who found his way back to a God of his understanding - and now plays music for his denomination. I would love to hook him up with Bob, the founder of Ceili Rain. What a combo that would be in the Christian music world.

I got back to work and discovered one of our IT Techs, a lovely woman named Carla, had passed away after a short and viscious illness! Carla was one of those wonderful older women often found in IT departments - short grey hair, glasses, no make up, cargo pants and plastic pocket protectors and a wallet full of pictures of her dog. Only, because she is not high tech, the pictures are on her phone. We used to compare Fur Baby pictures all the time. She knew I was a Catholic and didn't mind. I knew she was Gay and didn't care. The connection was through our love for dogs...and I was SHOCKED to find out she had died!

So, two sudden deaths in a period of 10 days; talk about letting one know that it is not me who is in charge of ANYTHING.

The Hive has been shut down to unlimited blogging. I suppose I should feel a little bit guilty because I would not allow George or Robert to attack me personally - their posts would be immediately reported. I went through too much hell with those two people and if they wanted to get into horrible behavior contests with other posters that was fine by me. Go for it. Exercise your freedom to be a bore and a goon all you want. Take a swipe at me, even a small one, and it was not going to be tolerated.

Most of the time, they knew and behaved. However, I will not participate at the blog site set up by Carmen Sabatino (The Swarm) because both of them participate on that site. My experience with George is that, he presents very calm and together. He then opens up fake accounts under fake names and goes after people he hates. He hates me. Now, most of the time he forgets I am around - however, every once in awhile we end up at the same 12 step meeting and then KAPPOW he manifests as FiFi ChicagoBaby or Sylvester Studacaker on a blog site somewhere and starts posting about something I wrote 4 years ago, when I first showed my new boss my writings about my strugggles to become a better supervisor.

Robert will probably lay low for a long time - he has thrown his hat into the ring once again and will be running for Mayor of Modesto. You have to give the guy credit for courage. He is willing to put himself out there when his reputation among reasonable voters is one of Bizareness. I have the picture of a headline in the Modesto Bee in about 10 years - ROBERT STANFORD ELECTED MAYOR. Hey, Carmen ran over and over and over and over until finally, enough new people moved to the Central Valley and elected him. I was one of those people - twelve years ago I voted for him because I did not have any idea he is as suited to working with his fellow elected officials as Marcy Bachman (or however you spell her name).

I will tel you that I admire both Sabatino and Robert because they are drastically and passionately devoted to their cause. I am just never really sure what their causes are - it is difficult to follow their writings and their logic. I am willing to accept that I can't follow their logic because I am not smart enough to do so, if it means I do not have to delete emails calling me names, fend off weirdly worded sexual advances and pretend that I do not recognize someone's syntax when they write under a false name.

*sigh*

Another weird thing happened this week - all my allergies kicked in at once. I have been on a sneezing jag. Drives me nuts.

Tonight, Father taught the RCIA class and it was a beautiful teaching on The Eucharist. Every time I think I have had it with some of the people in the front office, or I am too tired to continue this journey I think of St Ignatius of Antioch being driven to his martyrdom, taking the time to write me a letter...of course, it was addressed to The Philedelphians but he was writing to me too. He wrote it maybe 70 years after the life, death and resurrection of Our Lord...and he wrote that the same bread we eat at our celebrations is the SAME FLESH THAT HUNG UPON THE CROSS.

So, how can I let a few snippy office workers derail me?

Please keep my soldier in prayer. I was really hoping Congressman Ellison would stand up and shout at Karzi, "YOU STARTED THIS VIOLENCE...YOU WHIPPED UP THE FRENZY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

But he didn't.

We fly unto thee, O Virgin of Virgins.....

Religion of the Meek - for we shall inherit the earth

2011-04-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110403/ap_on_re_as/as_afghanistan;_ylt=AjyNGHJvH5Y9Yj39XaQ5jKwV6w8F;_ylu=X3oDMTMyYmQybmprBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTEwNDAzL2FzX2FmZ2hhbmlzdGFuBGNjb2RlA21wX2VjXzhfMTAEY3BvcwM0BHBvcwM0BHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDYWZnaGFucXVyYW4t
Ok, stop laughing at me.
I cannot figure out how to make this into one little sentence.

Right now, in Afghanistan, we are in the third day of protests over that yahoo in Florida who decided to burn the Quran.

How many months ago was that?

Well, I understand ( my Sissy Lee Anne told me) that Afghanistan is pretty much a third world country and so maybe it took awhile (obviously) for the news to reach these people. Apparently, the entire story didn't reach them since I understood that the guy did NOT burn the Quran because people convinced him it would put innocent people in predominately Muslim countries in danger. Which it has - because three innocent UN workers were murdered by a rampaging mob in Kabul.

And outside Kandahar City about 80 to 100 people have ended up in the hospital. That is, of course, where my soldier is and he is due to get out of there soon, very soon. He is due home on leave in June.

And I am scared, as only an Army Auntie can be scared, that he is going to end up being murdered by the Taliban over something that one leader of a congregation of about 50 people, in Florida, threatened to do several months ago.

We got to speak to him last night; the phone rang at 7:30pm and it was our Ryan. Both Grandma and I felt so much better after getting to talk with him on the telephone. He sounded exhausted, but that is because he woke up about an hour and a half early so he could use the phone and talk with us. I bugged him about it - CALL US - because he was calling EVERYONE and had only called us ONCE...and he did it. And I appreciate it. And I was so happy, until I saw the news.

In today's Gospel, Jesus tell the Pharisees that He has come to heal those who know they need to be healed, and that those who think they are just fine and dandy are going to remain blind. I get that - I get it that some people will resist Truth with every fiber of their being. Ok, they can do that if they want. Here is MY problem...if they are going to resist Truth why do they have to blow up, shoot or cut the throats of others to make sure we know they do not believe as we do?

No one wanted to address the obvious problem with this one man in Florida threatening to burn the Quran - the obvious worry was that the very thing that is happening right now would happen; murderous violence would break out. Innocent people would be murdered. This constant threat that we - The West - will be misinterpreted and so subject to attack is something no one wants to talk about for fear that moderate Muslims will be subject to discrimination.

And it does not help when drunken men beat up a Sikh cabdriver (which just happened in Sacramento) because they think he is a Muslim.

The difference?

It was not a MOB of Christians, rampaging through the streets, killing anyone who is not a Christian.

Listen, we have that stain on our history. Christians have participated in Progroms, in riots, in murders...and those actions are completely and totally contrary to the teachings of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. When a Christian does something like that, either as an individual or as part of a mob, they are NOT living the life Christ would have them live. They are NOT living up to their name "Christian". They are doing evil.

Please, pray with me for our soldiers. Please, pray that Hunter gets out of there so he can get married with his buddies in attendance. Please, pray that Joe gets out so he can go to the concert in Germany. Please, pray that Ryan gets home so I can just give him a long and huge hug.

St. Michael, the Archangel, defend him in battle.
Be his safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray.
And do thou, O prince of the Heavenly Host,
By the Power of God
cast into hell Satan,
and ALL the evil spirits who prowl about the world,
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

Rest in Peace, Greg

2011-03-28T03:46:00.000-07:00

I received word last night that my cousin, Greg Magee, was found dead in his home in Texas. He was 53 years old. There are no other details I can give you at this time. Greg and I had recently reconnected on Facebook and had had several wonderfully silly conversations over the past few months. His mother, Glenda, was my father's only sibling and my father adored her. Occasionally, I actually remember to think about someone besides myself. I did so on the past two holidays - St Valentine's Day and St Patrick's Day. I went to all my family members' FB pages and posted greetings for the day. Greg told me later I was the only person who wished him a Happy St Valentine's Day and a Happy St Patrick's Day. He leaves a son, Matthew, whom I have never met and three brothers: Walter Jr., Rex and Mark. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him.

A letter to the guy who works for the Bishop

2011-03-20T04:09:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Father S.

I am writing in order to better understand something that I heard/witnessed at Christ the King Parish in Pleasant Hill, California.

I do not mean, in any way to be disrespectful to the present pastor of that parish. I grew up in that parish, attended Christ the King School for 8 years and received a solid, orthodox and wonderful Catholic education from the wonderful Sisters of St. Joseph.

I attended Mass at Christ the King last December, on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. I almost fell out of the pew when Father gave his homily because I thought I heard him say the following (and I am paraphrasing):

When a couple bring me their new baby to baptize, I tell them that this baby is absolutely perfect, without any blemish or sin, and that what we are doing is welcoming this child into our community.

Now, listen Father; I am no theologian and I would never presume to criticize a priest for no reason but if I heard him correctly he just tossed two thousand years of Catholic Doctrine and Dogma out the window - and called St Paul a liar.

Anyway, I bring this up to you now because I have been praying about it, talking to MY pastor about it, and because I just went to look up Mass times for this morning and the same priest has a blog on the website criticizing the upcoming changes to the liturgy and touting the teachings of a Lutheran Biblical Scholar.

So my question is: Is Christ the King Catholic Church still Catholic?

Bless you, Father...and tell the Bishop hello for me.

The Rising of The Moon

2011-03-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

If they aren't able to destroy the desire for freedom, they won't break you. They won't break me because the desire for freedom, and the freedom of the Irish people, is in my heart. The day will dawn when all the people of Ireland will have the desire for freedom to show.
It is then we'll see the rising of the moon.
—final lines of the final entry of Bobby Sands' hunger strike diary

**********************************

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY, EVERYONE!

I am happy to announce that I have made a decision to present myself for inquiry into becoming a Lay Dominican.

I get to start with the meetings - once a month, second Saturday at St Joe's - in April.

This has been a long time coming for me - I felt drawn to the Carmelites and to the Franciscans. Even the Jesuits (they are still Catholic, right? HA HA HA). Ultimately, what drew me closer to The Dominican Rule is the emphasis on study, on Faith and Reason - on the love of Holy Scripture and philosophy and the charism of teaching and preaching.

So we will see what happens. It is a big committment and I am a graveyard shift worker. I may not be able to do the deal, but I am going to try.

Ryan is due home June 20 - please pray that he will arrive safely back in Modesto.

I also ask for prayers for my family.

Freedom, without limits, is not true freedom....it is license.

Free Speech and the Christians who Hate Catholics

2011-03-03T04:56:00.001-08:00

The US Supreme Court ruled 8 to 1 in favor of the Westboro 'Baptist' Church yesterday. A Supreme Court made up primarily of Catholic judges upheld the 'right' of this inbred, psychotic group of Catholic and Jew Haters to stand outside the funerals of American Service Men and Women and shout horrors at their grieving families. They get to hold up signs that read "God Hates Fags" and "Priests Rape Boys" and (my personal favorite) "Thank God for Dead Soldiers". They target specific people - particularly Catholics and Jews - because they KNOW we are not going to hit them back. We are going to be hurt, we are going to be angry but we are not going to attack them....unless you consider the spiritual attack we unleash when we hold them up in prayer.

Only one man was brave enough to stand up and shout, "This is not free speech, this is BAD BEHAVIOR". So today, Justice Alito is my hero and I don't care how much my Liberal Friends hate him because he is a Conservative Judge...the man has guts, had the ability to see beyond the Ivory Tower that is The Law and look deeply into the very heart of the matter:

Since when does bad behavior get elevated to a 'Right'?

The Phelps family - a bizarre and mentally unstable group of people who believe God has spoken directly to them and told them to do these horrible things - have had their psychosis validated by the US Supreme Court. Frankly, the only differences between the Phelps and Charlie Sheen are these:

1. There are more Phelps

2. Charlie has more money

I have written before on the subject of the need for a Magisterium and the Phelps family underscores the wisdom and beauty of the Catholic Church. It is obvious to anyone with eyes to see and ears to hear that Jesus Christ said, "Upon this rock I will build my Church" for this very reason: left to our own devices, us human beings can rationalize just about ANY behavior as doing God's Will.

We NEED a Church - not just a denomination but a CHURCH - precisely because without one we start hearing voices and thinking it's God telling us to pack up our many children and drive across the country so that we can inflict pain on a grieving parent.

We NEED a Church - and not just a personal 'Jesus and Me' relationship with Christ - because without one we are liable to open our Bibles and see specific passages that direct us to shoot a doctor providing abortions, or blow up a clinic - and we will start to think that unless we do what we THINK we have read we will be punished by God.

Truth is Truth. This much we know - Truth is objective and it can be discovered and it does not rely upon my belief in it to BE Truth. However, our relationship to Truth must be rightly formed and guided lest we think that burning a cross on our neighbors lawn, beating up a young boy and leaving him on a fence to die or waving disgusting, obscene signs at the funeral of a Marine is Divinely Inspired.

Divine? Satanic, more likely - The Phelps are so knee deep in evil they think it is good. They cannot differentiate between the Truth and the Lies of Satan.

True Christians are called to forgive and to pray for these vipers. I will do that - but I am telling you right now, if something happens to MY soldier and these Satanic Nut Jobs show up at my parish, they are going to be met with a wall of Harley Driving Patriots who will not let them anywhere NEAR St Joseph's.

At some point during the past 75 years we as Americans have become so self-centered, so damn selfish that we think we have a 'RIGHT' to do whatever we want, no matter who it hurts. My vulgar speech offends you and you ask me to stop? I take you to court. My horrific behavior on the public street causes you shock and dismay? Tough toenails, it is my RIGHT to stand on a float and simulate sex acts during a 'pride' parade. Show horribly, sexually explicit television shows at 7:30 in the evening? You don't like that? Well, too bad baby don't you DARE say a thing - don't you DARE infringe upon my rights.

Rights.

On the Hive I watch a grown man make idiotic statements and call ME a heretic - a guy who believes Martin Sheen is a secret Jew because 'Sheen' is a Jewish word and old gaelic looks like ancient Hebrew. Now he has the right to say such stupid things, but the minute he starts bad mouthing my Church his rights STOP, as far as I am concerned. He does not have the 'right' to be stupid, foul and idiotic - he has the ABILITY, and that is very different.

We pride ourselves on pushing the envelope but while doing so we have lost the ability to be reasonable.

May Our Lady comfort Mr. Snyder today...and May St Michael the Archangel defend us in battle - the battle against evildoers like the Phelps.

Flu Shots and Puppies...Living a Life of Faith

2011-02-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

Today all the packages were finally mailed off to Ryan. Included in the batch was a very special box, filled with Kleenex, bubblegum, paper towels and a brand spankin' new American Flag.

I also got a flu shot, picked up my RA medication and got to meet Fargo, my Alpha Gam sister Sarah's new dog....what a sweetheart of a puppydog!

So it has been a good but busy vacation week. Coming off of Legacy Weekend with my sobriety family, I started the week with Uncle Jerry's burial and got to attend two funerals and three meetings. I got to spend time with Jillian. Most important of all, I got to send off the flag to my soldier.

The guys are not allowed to fly a US Flag where they are because of the 'message' it sends to the locals: they see it as a declaration that the United States is staying, and that is not what we want them to think. The fact that we might be staying on in a non-military capacity (can you say Lithium? Apple and Microsoft can!) is not the point. The powers-that-be in our Defense Department do not want our men and women to come under attack because a native thinks a US Flag on a US military post means The Great Satan is here to stay.

I also want to make clear that this is not a new policy...it is one that the military has followed for much of the ten years we have been at war.

So I sent the guys of the First Squad, First Platoon, G company, a new flag.

Now, they are not supposed to fly it where anyone can see it but them. They are to stand in front of it, take a picture, sign a card (I included it since I figured their chance of hitting the Hallmark aisle at the local Walgreen is nil) and return it.

I am going to present it to Julie and Dean Danielson.

Julie and Dean run the Military Support Group at St Joseph's. Because of them, and many others who are much more active in the group than me, 800 boxes get sent to our men and women away from home every three months.

Those boxes are filled with supplies, goodies, books, Rosaries, Bibles...you name it, they send it.

And every time Ryan has made a special request, they get it for HIM.

So I thought, they deserve a flag flown by a combat unit in their honor, as a thank you.

Now my plan is that Ryan bring the flag, the picture and the card home when he comes here on leave in July. And then he can give it to my two favorite people here in Modesto.

I am so amazed at the people, the real backbone of the country type people, who have reached out to our men and women in the military. My friends Kathi and Tony are two fine examples of what it means to be a real American. My friends Julie and Dean are two fine examples of what it means to be real Americans and faithful Catholics. I am surrounded by angels in human form.

Because of people like these, I can walk in Faith knowing that I may be by myself sometimes but I am never alone.

Not that I am feeling lonely or down or anything, but there can be times when the Ol'Red Legs (as my Cajun Sissies call him) can poke at your most vulnerable spots...and the fear of being alone is a fear I often have to give to God. But whenever I am praying and asking God to remove this fear, He gives me these people to remind me that no one can possibly be alone when they have people such as these in their life!

I am so grateful. I am so grateful for all my life is today. I get to be a woman of grace and dignity because of a God who loves me, a Sacramental Life that is second to none and sobriety.

Catholic Out Loud - in the Stillness of the Night

2011-02-08T04:43:00.000-08:00

I have just caught up on my work for the evening and so can now catch up on my writing.

"Being a Catholic is more than going to Mass on Sunday and never missing a Holy Day of Obligation."

How many of us have heard that phrase, or a variation of that phrase, and immediately been struck with feelings of good, old-fashioned Catholic guilt? We knew right away that the pronouncement was aimed at us. We bowed our heads in shame, knowing that we were not the ones teaching CCD or on the Environmental Committee or taking Our Lord to the home bound. Instead, we were the quiet Catholics...suiting up and showing up, praying on the way to work or while doing the laundry, feeding the hungry and clothing the naked in our own homes rather than working down at the shelter five nights a week, and somehow we felt preyed upon when we heard that phrase coming from our parish Father.

Of course that is a big part of our liturgical life and not to be downplayed. And I know for a FACT that no faithful priest ever uttered those words from an ambo and meant them to sting everyone who heard them.

So do not misunderstand me - I have been through periods of my life when the best outward sign I could be was the Catholic who, no matter what, showed up when she is required to show up. Because I am a shift worker, often it is only God and my confessor who know what my prayer life looks like, what Mass I attend, and how I struggled to live my faith in every way - and sometimes it hurts knowing that no one would ever notice my efforts but God Himself. No one will ever point at me and say, "Isn't she wonderful? She prays the Rosary every day", because no one sees me close the door to my office at 0300 when I pray it. And while I know that no one HAS to see it, gee it would be nice to be one of those ladies everyone at Church speaks of with such awe and reverence - the ones EVERYBODY knows is at daily Mass, praying the Rosary in the plaza every Thursday at 3pm and volunteering to be the Sacristan.

How do we stop the whiny "me me me" when essentially, what we really feel, is loneliness and lack of fellowship because the life we currently live keeps us from being in the center of the action..so to speak.

How do we cope, in a practical way, with the suffering caused by being alone?

Let's offer it up - of course! - but could someone help me figure out how?

About ten years ago, sitting in Mass, I heard my beloved parish priest say, "Are you really doing all you can do or are you just doing the bare minimum, hoping to get by?". And right away, my feathers got ruffled...I was sure he was talking to me and it hurt my feelings. I was working full time, going to school full time and taking care of an elderly parent. I was trying so hard to be a good Catholic, but I was tired...plain old worn out and exhausted, so it didn't take much to hurt my feelings and make me cry. I am also a widow woman - single and without children, sitting in a pew amidst what felt like four thousand men and women with fifteen kids a piece.

All I have is a dog and two cats - and one of the cats doesn't even like me much.

So, what should I do? I did not want to drown in self pity, but I knew I had to find a way to turn around my attitude or there was going to be something much worse than a resentful, sullen Catholic sitting in a pew...there was going to be one less Catholic in the pew. Period.

So I asked a friend outside our Faith Tradition what she would do with this growing resentment and she pointed me in the direction of self-examination.

In other words, whenever I heard a phrase or suggestion that caused a little sting of uncomfortableness, my reaction would be, "Hmmmm...could that be me?".

Instead of doing my best Deniro in Taxi Driver impression, I could ask, in the quiet of my own interior castle, "Am I truly doing all that I can do to show Him how much I love Him? Can I sacrifice a little more?".

As a result of turning my self-centeredness into self-examination, I have found ways in which to increase my ability to be more than I initially thought possible. I have found time for extra prayer, the space for a little more service and - surprisingly - the ability to say, "No, not right now," without regret.

I have also been granted the grace to actually hear and see other people. I no longer look only at what they have - today I see who they ARE, which allows me to recognize their struggles and hardships and the sacrifices they are making to do what they are doing...one day at a time.

More importantly, I have stopped being afraid of feeling bad. I accept the fact that I may sometimes experience loneliness and abandonment and outright fear that somehow The Body of Christ has cut me off and discarded me. Today, however, through the grace of God, I have learned to stop myself and purposefully thank GOD for those feelings.

Why?

Because today I have grown up enough to recognize the gift feeling bad can be - for only by feeling bad am I united with Christ crucified, allowed in a tiny way to feel what He felt on His way to Calvary.

Mother Theresa of Calcutta once said friend of mine who complained about her life, "How God must love you to give you a share of His suffering".

Now, my friend's first thought was, "Swell...please love that guy over there for awhile, would you Jesus?". And I can understand her reaction - but the reality of being a Catholic is knowing that I have the opportunity to share Christ's Passion, to suffer so that others don't have to, and to be close to Him in ways no one who does not recognize Him as God can be close to their Creator.

As a Catholic, I know that MY SAVIOR knows exactly what it is like to feel like me because He took on a Human Nature...I do not have to wonder if He knows what it is like to be lonely or feel abandoned...for not only does He know that wound, He heals it.

So, now that I am back on graveyard shift, I can take comfort in being a Catholic Our Loud again...even though most people aren't hearing me, most people aren't seeing me....

He does....and by golly that is enough for me.

Jesus Wept

2011-01-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, January 8, 2011 Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was gunned down and critically wounded by 22 year Jared Loughner. Six people were murdered in the attack, including a federal judge and a nine year-old girl. Gabrielle has survived her attacker’s attempt at murder but by all reports she will have a long road to full recovery ahead of her.

The ‘alleged’ shooter is a man who suffers from paranoid delusions that flit like trapped birds between beliefs (the Rules of Grammar were designed by the government to control our minds! the 9/11 attacks were engineered by the Illuminati! The Cubs won the Pennant!) This man has been deteriorating over time, becoming more and more incapable of connecting with reality. His friends had distanced themselves, his college had told him he could not return without psychiatric clearance and a young woman from one of his classes stated that she always made sure to sit close to the door because she fully expected him to ‘pull a Virginia Tech’ some day.

The immediate reaction of the Sheriff of Pima County was to blame the shootings on the overly dramatic, tabloid style rhetoric used by self-styled political pundits. Frankly, I understand his rush to judgment. What might now be called a knee-jerk reaction by people like me to blame what happened on Cooper, Savage, Hannity and Olbermann was the natural result of the increasing inability to have any kind of discussion about anything with anyone. We are so tired of wading through the muck and the mire that passes for political discourse today that most of us thought, “Well, what do you expect?” when the first news reports of the attack crawled across the bottoms of our television screens.

However, in the last 48 hours more information about the shooter has been released. It is now clear that political rhetoric (whether calm or not, vicious or not) had little to do with the attack. Mental Illness was the reason for the attack.

The shooter became fixated on Congresswoman Giffords several years earlier because of her polite but firm response to a question he posed during one of her ‘meet the constituents’ events. Jared had asked her a question about the purpose of government when words have no meaning – in other words, he spoke his delusion out-loud – and Gabrielle had respectfully answered his insanity as best she could. However, it was not good enough. He began to stalk her, off and on, and frankly, she was doomed.

This story is not about the ravings of either side of the political spectrum. As much as I would like to blame people like Anderson Cooper for calling people trying to organize a political movement by a name commonly reserved for a sex act between homosexual men and NO ONE ON THE LEFT STANDING UP TO PROTEST for this kind of action, it has nothing to do with what happened. As much as I would like to blame Sarah Palin and her minions for Okaying a chart that showed Gabrielle in the cross hairs of a target, this act had NOTHING to do with THAT childish and exceedingly STUPID ad.

This story, in all its glory, is about what happens when a lunatic is allowed free access to the Internet, the ability to purchase firearms and the helplessness of his family to legally do anything to protect the public (and him).

It is also, if we really want to speak to the truth, about why people like me do not want their full name used on places like The Hive. It is why we hide our Facebook pages and we let Law Enforcement know every time our stalker shows up using multiple names and accusing us of everything from promiscuity to active drug addiction. It is why our bosses know about the threats, our family members have names, and addresses and pictures and we take the time to build the credibility we need to protect ourselves.

Let’s be honest – this is not about one side being worse than the other. And let’s be brutally honest – it is not about getting our points across. It is about being too afraid to step in and say to someone else, “This is not about free speech, it is about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and you have crossed the line”.

Both the Extreme Left and the Extreme Right have always been guilty of this kind of behavior. Whether or not it is worse today, I really don’t know. What I know is that in the past, the RECENT past, a man who is truly a Christian would never threaten to beat up someone practicing Buddism, a city councilman would not be called a Nazi because he does not want homeless men and women taking over a neighborhood park and a woman would not have to steer clear of a community internet board because someone hates her religious affiliation.

Finally, I call upon all those who ARE true Christians to assemble themselves in Tuscon over the next few days. I call upon them to position themselves between the families of the deceased – in particular the Green family who lost their 9 year old child – and the mentally ill members of the Phelps Family. These self-styled Baptists (and they are NOT Baptists anymore than St John the Baptist was a Baptist) plan on picketing the funeral services of those murdered by Jared Loughner. These people are exercising their right of free speech.

They are also lunatics who enjoy inflicting pain on those they do not like.

So, when are we going to stand up and say, “Go ahead and wave your little signs…but you will do it over HERE where OUR FRIENDS CANNOT SEE YOU”.

When are WE going to stop being afraid to do what is RIGHT?